Reflections of Refinement

Prayers for us porcupines

2012-01-23T01:15:00.003+09:00

I just finished a long overdue conversation with a dear friend. She is the only person who I have really known and connected with my entire time in Japan. We started out on AIM chat before I came to Japan, and we have seen many different aspects of our relationship. She has seen and shared almost all my struggles in Japan. It's easy to take people for granted and forget how important they should be to you. And I'm thankful that tonight I remembered that she is one of my "important people."

In the course of our conversation, I was struck again at our condition. I have a group of very dear friends here in Japan. We are all battle scarred by our time here. We have struggled and fought and gotten lost together. We get confused, and go off track together. And we laugh and cry and fall down together. And many times we do the same things apart. Half the time we aren't sure if we even like each other. But we always, always come back to each other. We are spiritual sisters, tied with bonds of love and grace and faith and pain that probably couldn't be cut even if we tried.

We love God, we love Japan, and we love each other. We often don't know how to express our love, and sometimes we allow it to get warped, but we do love.

It's good to remember sometimes.

But in all of this, we all struggle with our human condition. We each have our own personal struggles, the pitfalls unique to each of us. We are each attacked at the very core of who we are with deadly precision by our common Enemy, who wants nothing more than to tear us down, demean us and render us in-effective. We each have our Arrows, designed to wound us so we are unable to Live.

As we are struggling with our own Arrows, it's easy to forget that the ones we love also have Arrows of their own. I know I forget all the time. I assume I'm the only one who doesn't have my act together, I'm the only one who falls down like this and I'm the only one with this pain inside that I can't get rid of. And so I get frustrated when my community isn't there to help me, or doesn't have the answers or can't support me. It's easy for me to think "forget it." and cut off my lines of communication. Or question whether I'm actually part of the "group" or not. I devalue myself, and my sisters. And the Enemy smiles in triumph.

But tonight I have been graced with a small window of clarity. A vision of our reality.

I see a battlefield, and my and my sisters are on it. It's the aftermath of a battle. We have survived, but not without wounds. In fact, we all look like porcupines, we have Arrows sticking out of us in many directions. A couple of us are walking, holding on to someone who can support us just a little. A couple of us are down on our knees, unable to move because of the wounds we can't reach ourselves. And we are all unable to really help each other. Any attempt we could make to remove each others Arrows would only end in the Arrow being moved around and causing a greater wound. Those on the ground can see those walking, and feel the jealousy or feelings of betrayal. "Why can you walk? Why can't you help me? What did I do to deserve this?" Those walking can see those on the ground and feel fear and frustration and hurt. "There's nothing I can do for you. Why can't I help you? I'm barely standing. Why can't you see that I'm injured too? What do I do when I can walk but you can't?" Only none of us realize that our vision is clouded, or even if we do, we can't change our feelings.

It's frustrating. It's painful. It's full of questions we don't have answers to. We all scream out at one point or another "Why God?"

And in the midst of this vision, I see a prayer for my sisters and I (and for others who live in the same reality.) I see the gentle figure of Jesus, walking among us. And He stops beside each of us, and places His hands gently upon our heads. And He offers us healing, and helps us to stand. Beside Him is the Spirit, who has come with new armor (to replace our battered ones, or to give us new were we had none at all.) Our tears flow again, but this time with joy. Our wounds have been addressed, and we have been filled with life. And being filled with Life, we can become Life givers to those around us. Restored, we can finally be who we were meant to be. Instead of porcupine pin-cushions, we are realized as Brides of Christ. And we can embrace each other fully and joyfully for the first time, because there are no longer Arrows in the way. This is Life. This is my prayer.

I debated a bit if I should post this or not. This is a deeply personal image, not only for me, but for my sisters, who I know will read this. And careless words can wound deeper.

But this is a needed prayer. We need healing. We need deeply personal images. We need hope.

So in hope I will post this, more vulnerable than usual. And in hope I will pray, that someday this vision will become reality. I pray for the healing of my sisters. I pray for the future of Japan. I pray for our wounded hearts desperately seeking life to the fullest.

I pray from my heart, for the first time in a long time. I pray with passion for those I love. I pray to hear the voice of Jesus asking "What is it you want? Do you wish to be healed?" And I pray for a season of Joy to refresh us all and the arm of Blessing stretched out over us, for we too are children of Abraham.

And today I rejoice, because today I have a prayer to pray and a God who hears.

And I Remember that I have already been blessed, with such beautiful sisters, whom I love.

Conveying Love

2012-01-06T11:27:00.002+09:00

Happy New Year!

Usually my New Year's is busy, full of meeting people and doing things. This year I welcomed the new year alone for the first time, maybe ever.

I actually had a good mix of being able to go out and see many people, do karaoke, and feel blessed by the people who wanted to be with me. Then I had about 5 days or so where I was completely alone, not bothering to leave the house except to get food. (being completely alone reverts me back to my "original state" of complete sloth and messiness. I accomplish far less when I have infinite free time than when I am busy and stressed. But it was nice to be able to do nothing for a while. I am however tired of it now.)

With so much free time on my hands, I did what any lazy, unmotivated person would do: caught up on watching my anime. :-D (Japanese study???)

The course of the week showed me how terrible some anime are out there, that 90% of anime seems to be school dramas, unrealistic and after a while, boring and tedious to watch. But then again, anime is a medium and not a genre, so I could say similar things about American TV and movies (except America isn't quite so obsessed with High School.) I spent quite a lot of time trying to find a new anime to watch that wasn't about boobs, harems or just plain violence. I did find a few. ;-)

The best one so far has been "Kimi ni Todoke." (I would also credit a blog commenter of mine for mentioning this on her blog, I read the manga and loved it.) This is a bit of a difficult title to translate. I've seen "Reaching You" or even "From Me to You."

The whole point of this story is about trying to convey your feelings to another person. It's a very sweet, innocent love story. The great thing about this story is that I find myself grinning like an idiot every time I read/watch it. It's deep, but not too deep, funny, sad, real, but fairytail-like in it's simple innocence. It has all the great elements that make "Cinderella" such a compelling story.

It's a classic, out-cast girl meets popular boy story. The boy, who has the greatest smile ever, is popular with everyone. He doesn't judge people based on their looks, or status. He accepts them for who they are. And he's known for the fact that he cares about the weak, or the downtrodden. He goes out of his way to include everyone.

Then we have the girl. She is easily misunderstood. She looks like the really creepy character from the movie "The Ring." She has poor social skills, because no one will talk to her. Yet, she is actually a very sweet girl, who only wants to help people. She is so innocent, that she never even resents the fact that people don't speak to her, or seem afraid of her. She merely accepts it as normal, and does her best to not upset people. (Only she is rather lacking in social skills and is rather shy, which just makes her seem more scary to the kids around her.)

They meet on the way to school on the first day. The boy is a little lost, so the girl points out the correct path. The boy, smiles naturally and says "Thank You." The girl is surprised because this is the first time someone has actually thanked her for trying to help. The usual reaction is fear and an apology. Her usually tense, scary looking face, relaxes for a moment, and she smiles a true smile.

The boy becomes intrigued by this quiet girl. At school she is nervous and unable to communicate well with her classmates. There are many rumors of how she can see ghosts and curses people around her. She is difficult to approach, and everyone just assumes she wants to be left alone. The boy also begins to come to the conclusion that she doesn't like him, because she is always so stiff and runs away from him when he tries to talk to her or include her.

But really, she just doesn't know how to convey herself to those around her.

Eventually, they both learn how to communicate. The boy learns how to think about the other person and their feelings, instead of just his own. He learns how to face his own jealousy and possessiveness and tries his best to deal with the frustrations of loving a very dense girl.

The girl learns that it is not "natural" for her to be alone. She is not worth less than other people, and she should have more confidence in herself. If she tries, she finds she is able to communicate with others, and they can understand her. She finds friends and learns how to become open to the world around her. She learns about joy and love and friendship. And finally, she learns how to accept love from others, something she always believed was never possible for someone like herself.

Both of them liked each other the whole time, but because they couldn't communicate so that the other could understand, there were many misunderstandings and frustrations.

It's such a good story, with so many things to think about. Like why we try to confess our feelings. Are we trying to manipulate the person into loving us back? Or do we just want to be understood. Why don't we confess our feelings? Are we afraid of being rejected, embarrassed, or feel like we don't deserved to be loved and we have no chance, so what's the point? How often do we think of the other person's feelings or circumstances? I mean REALLY think about them? Do we just assume things and never think past them? "Of course he can't like someone like me. So what's the point?" "I'm the only one that's suited for that person." etc. How often do we really allow the other person to choose for themselves? If we don't convey our feelings how can they choose? If we only assume things for that person, is anything really accomplished?

They are all really good questions for me. I struggle a lot with how to communicate. I don't want to become a nuisance to others. Or rather, I don't want them to think of me badly, or irritate them. I often feel like my affections would be unwanted or out of place. I don't want to "overstep my station" or become too arrogant. So I hide in false humility, devaluing myself in fear or uncertainty.

When I was young, in school, I often heard that boys liked it when girls confessed to them. So, being the slightly oblivious child I was, I confessed several times to boys I liked. This of course resulted in rather uncomfortable situations, where the boy was embarrassed that someone like me confessed. I fortunately have good taste in boys, so none of them were mean to me, but none of them wanted to go out with me either. The boys probably didn't know what to do, and I put them in an awkward position. Eventually I learned that confessing just made things awkward. (I was a bit slow, it took me a while.)

But in the story, at one point the popular boy is confessed to, and he gently tries to reject the girl (since he likes a different girl). The girl knew she was going to be rejected, but still wanted him to know her feelings. In the end, through her tears, she asks, "Were you even a little happy when I confessed to you?" And he says, "Yes, it made me happy. Thank you."

This was a new idea for me. Before whenever I thought back to my past and how I just confessed obliviously, I became very embarrassed for being such a clueless dork. I assumed that I only created an awkward situation, and the boy was just troubled. Of course having me confess didn't make him happy at all. But when you think about it... Even when someone you don't have romantic feelings for, confesses to you, you feel a little happy, don't you? Somewhere you get a little puffed up from knowing you are loved, even if you don't return the love, and it makes you feel a little uncomfortable.

I hope the boys in my past felt that way, if only a little.

Looking back at things now, I can see a little more clearly. Before, I thought that my confessing was stupid, because I was stepping outside of my appointed station. I was an outcast, in the lower social rankings, so all the boys I liked were outside of my range. Of course I had no chance. That's why it was silly for me to confess. Until recently, this is what I believed, and it is a belief that still shapes how I interact with those around me today.

And it is a lie.

I still think I was clueless, but now I can see the real area I was clueless in. I was trying to manipulate people into loving me back. If I confess, then maybe he will love me too. This is how I thought. It's how I still think sometimes. I was confessing for my own convenience. Trying to manipulate the situation in my favor. Trying to "get" the prize, the perfect boyfriend that would make my life better.

But that's not what love is.

Love is thinking about the other person. Love is wanting happiness for someone else. Love doesn't put down people, (yourself included.) Love isn't about making the other person love me back. When I confess, my goal should not be to convince the other person to love me back. The goal should be to let the other person know how I feel. Communication. I love you. I don't need anything in return. I just love you.

Isn't this how God shows us His love? He isn't trying to manipulate us with His love. He doesn't show His love to only the "good" people or the "Christians." He loves everyone. He loves even when He knows He'll be rejected. He tells us He loves us in the languages of our hearts; in the beauty of a sunset, in a moving piece of music, in the quietness of a clear night, the majesty of the mountains or the charisma of the sea. We each have our own way of receiving love, and God speaks to us personally though that. But we, often don't hear, or refuse to understand. (Like the girl who no matter how hard the poor boy tried to convey his feelings, remained convinced she was unlovable.)

I think that learning how to love, is learning how to communicate. Learning how to think about the other person instead of assuming things about them. Learning to listen and understand what the other person is really saying. Learning to receive in honesty.

"I love you" should be a way to build up and support another person, not manipulate them into fulfilling you.

I'm very thankful for stories that help me learn more about myself and life.

If you ever get a chance to watch or read "Kimi ni Todoke" I highly recommend it. (I recommend having two completely empty days if you want a marathon watching though.)

I feel like I have a little bit of a head start on the new year now.

When the sky clears

2011-12-12T22:58:00.004+09:00

It's been rainy and cold lately here. I've been very thankful so far for our new apartment, which is MUCH much warmer than my last house.

Tonight, on my way home from the doctor, I was able to catch the sunset. On clear days you can even see Mt. Fuji. I hurried home to grab my camera, and went to a pedestrian bridge near my house to try get a few shots. Unfortunately, the bridge is right over a major road, so it's not such a spectacular view, but I thought I'd put up some pictures anyway. I've been slacking off in the picture area lately, so here are a few shots of my new neighborhood. :-D

From the bridge looking towards Mt. Fuji, it's small, but you can see it.

The stairs leading up the bridge. Notice the flat area in the middle for bicycles.

In the middle of the buildings to the upper right is where I go for my foot rehabilitation.

A few closer shots of Mt. Fuji.

The dusk sky in the other direction.

There is a park in between the one-way roads. Many people take their dogs there for walks. I've played my guitar there once late at night. :-D

It stretches for quite a ways.

And the last picture is of the skyline opposite from Mt. Fuji. Even north of Tokyo, we have our fair share of skyscrapers.

Celebrating together

2011-12-11T23:56:00.002+09:00

It's been a while since I've written a personal update. So here's what's been going on.

A few weeks ago, I was able to take off my walking boot on my broken foot and stop using crutches. This has helped reduce my stress a lot. It's amazing how having an able body changes your ability to deal with things. My legs are getting stronger again, and this week I wasn't as tired as before.

I'm still going to rehabilitation weekly, and I wear a wrap around my foot to keep the ankle stabilized, but it's good to more mobile again.

We are getting used to life minus one roommate. So far, we seem to be making due. My other roommate is getting enough work to meet ends on her side of things, and with a little change in my schedules, I'm managing to manage my finances as well.

I've started cooking to take my lunches for work. This is actually a bit of a production, since I'm at work for about 10 hours a day 4 days a week. (plus about 3 hrs commuting time) So I eat lunch and dinner at work. So I have to make two meals to take with me. This has translated into me coming home from work, making an evening meal for the next day, and then waking up early to make rice balls or sandwiches for lunch. My roommate is happy because I make enough for her too, and this cuts down on the amount of cooking she has to do. I managed one week of it, so we'll see how long I can keep it up.

My headaches have been increasing a bit in intensity, so I finally got my butt in gear and scheduled an appointment with a doctor to get more medication. With the broken foot, it had been difficult for me to make it to the head doctor, so it's been several months with no medication. I'll go tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to have medication again.

Yesterday we celebrated with the band. There were two birthday's, one member had his first daughter born, another member was able to come for the first time in several months, and we saw some old faces we hadn't seen in a while. It was a good evening, with home-made cakes, laughter, and fellowship together. To top it off, we watched the lunar eclipse together.

Many happy memories were made, at least by me.

Today I'm thankful for life progressing on. (and warm fleece!)

Father Abraham

2011-12-09T19:01:00.003+09:00

In the Bible classes I'm teaching, we read Genesis 15 this week. (Take a second and read it)

Well that's a simple enough story right? Easy to understand...

riiiiiggght (insert rolling eyes here)

(Ok, enough eye rolling)

(serious face)

I've noticed many times when I read the Bible, I just don't get the point. Why was that even written? What is this trying to teach me? Is this supposed to make me love or understand God better? So confused. (insert confused face here)

I've read this passage before, I've taught about this passage before. But I've never really thought about it before.

I'm like that. I quickly read something, but then don't think about it too deeply. I like things to be spelled out for me. Too much thinking takes too much effort.

OK, I'm just lazy I guess. (I spent more time being frustrated by being made to interpret or find the hidden meaning in English Lit classes than actually thinking about things.)

But if I repeat things enough, sometimes I get it. In this case, I've experienced enough that I finally get it. Let me re-tell the story for you: (some 13 and 14 thrown in for background info...)

Abram is God's friend. God likes Abram a lot. God sent him to a new country, made him rich and powerful, he's got a beautiful wife, powerful friends, a bit of a stupid nephew and stuff like that. Well, his stupid nephew went to live near a rich, but not so "nice" city (Imagine Las Vegas on speed, minus the flashing lights). The king of this city and his four friends went and rebelled against a different king. This causes all kinds of problems and the big king gathers up his three friends and decides to teach them a lesson. A whole lot of people get captured and taken away, including Abram's nephew. One guy escapes and tells Abram, who has no choice but to talk to his two friends, gather up his 318 men (plus friends' men) and go get his nephew back. Abram, who is being backed by God, of course wins with no problems and rescues all the people. Only now the stupid king wants to bribe Abram and get him under his thumb. Abram wisely refuses, and goes back home.

Now Abram is understandably stressed out. So God, concerned about His friend, comes to comfort him. "Don't sweat the small stuff Abram! I've got your back! You know I'm always gonna be there for you!" But Abram's feeling a bit down, and he's kinda feeling the years. And he thinks back, and realizes he's been in this Caanan for a while now, and all these big promises God gave him 5 or 6 years ago still haven't happened the way he thought they would. So he lets a bit of his frustration show. "What are you talking about God? You promised me that I would be come a "great nation" and all that. But I'm still here living in tents with no land of my own, and no children to populate this great nation. I'm getting old and I don't even have an heir. Heck my servant is going to be the one to inherit everything when I die! I mean he's a nice guy and everything, but he's just not the same thing as a son you know... So what do you want me to make of all this stuff?"

God smiles and says "Don't worry. You won't have to give your servant all your stuff. You will have a child from your own body. I'm gonna give you all this land. Check out the stars. Try to count them. This is what your future descendants look like. Nice huh?"

And Abram believed. God's happy that Abram believes, but notices that Abram is still feeling a little uncertain. Abram see's the present, and can't imagine how it will become such a future. God's got a hidden plan, but Abram can't see all that. All Abram can see is the fact that he's a foreigner in a land full of all these violent tribes, and he has no children to boot. (and he's been pretty patient too...) So, God, in His compassion, decides to show Abram how much He loves him.

"Hey, tell you what. I'll show you how serious I am. Let's do that ceremony, you know the one the leaders do when they promise something big. You go get the animals and get them ready."

So God performs this traditional ceremony (which basically means, "If I break my promise, then may I end up just like these animals, cut up and torn apart") which is kinda like a conditional curse (the big scary ancestor of "cross my heart, hope to die, poke a needle in my eye") and then even tells Abram parts of His secret plan, 400 years in the future. (Your descendants will become slaves in a foreign land, but don't worry, I'll punish the nation, and bring them back rich. Then I'll give them this land here, while punishing the people who live here at the same time. It's a great plan don't you think? All these crazy, violent people here, have 400 years to get their act together, before I punish them. And then I'll give you this land I've been promising you. Just be more patient. Oh but don't worry, you'll die an old man peacefully here.)

Wow. That's pretty awesome. God did all of that for Abram. Abram must have felt very humbled, very loved after that big production. Wow.

And that gave Abram the strength to wait the next 15 years until he could see God's promise, Isaac for the first time.

20 years of waiting. But God was with Abram the whole time. God kept supporting and loving Abram the whole time (even when Abram messed up!)

This has become one of the most awesome stories ever! (super excited happy face here)

I always get excited when I come across revelations like this one. I can look back on my life, and then I can see where God was with me, and all the things He has done for me. When I get frustrated because life doesn't seem to be going the way I thought it would... When I mess up, or loose my confidence.... When I wonder if God even likes me.... It's easy to loose sight of God's love. But if I stop, and really remember.... Yes, there was that time when I felt completely loved by God. And there was the other time when God encouraged me in this way.... There are so many!

And I can calm down, stop thinking only about the way things look now, and remember that God is always with me, and always loves me, even if things don't always happen at my pace.

Although I'm kinda glad God doesn't show me His love by splitting apart animals anymore!

The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

2011-11-12T14:20:00.002+09:00

Three years ago, God gave me something I didn't really want. I'm an introvert, and becoming more of one as years pass. Too many relationships make me tired. So many of them I have to put so much energy into making them work. So three years ago I was at the point when I didn't want anymore relationships. I was about to leave the missionary program I was working in, so when the new missionaries came in, I didn't want to have anything to do with them.

But God had other plans.

God gave me a new relationship anyway. She was one of the new missionaries, and she chose me. (I think she felt sorry for me, because I complain a lot, and my site was more isolated than other sides, so I was also frustrated at the time...) So she began "shadowing" me. She came to my events, she came to my church, she came with me to the band. She stayed at my (insanely dirty and scary) house sometimes. I started calling her my duckling because she was always walking behind me.

And somewhere, I let my stubborn walls down. And she entered into my heart. Her struggles became important to me. I wanted to fight for her, and help her. She wanted to fight for me and help me. We were "nakama." (friends, comrades)

When her circumstances changed, she moved in with me. We lived together as roommates for two years. I had been praying for a roommate because of how terribly lonely it is to live alone. And God gave.

Then this year we met another girl, and by some strange turn of events (I can only say this was also by God's prompting, since it was out of character for all of us.) we invited her to move in with us. This meant we had to find a new apartment and move.

Then things started getting worse at Duckling's company. (I had already quit the company and gone back to working for the church.) It was a rough half year. There was also earthquakes, tsunami's, nuclear reactors thrown in there as well.

New roommate moves in, and we begin learning how to live as a community. We tried our best to make it work and affirming for all three of us.

And then the Lord takes away what I didn't want taken away.

Week before last, I had a week off from work. It was perfect timing to spend one last week with Duckling before she went back to America. We went out everyday, doing things together, taking pictures, meeting people, having good-bye parties. Taking care of details.

Last week I had to go back to work. Thursday, Duckling went back to America. We helped walk her to the bus stop with her luggage. (my other roommate, who scorns all the names I try to give her, had to help carry the bags, because I am still on crutches, and therefore useless as a helper) I said good-bye at the bus stop, and left early to go to work.

But I was given good students on Thursdays, and they helped me through a difficult day (even if they don't know it.)

God gives and God takes away. But God is always good.

I have to trust God for my life. I didn't know why God gave me something I didn't think I wanted. I don't know why God took the thing I wanted to keep away. I don't know why we were called to move, and then have one third of our community taken away in less than a year. I don't know what opportunities God has for us. But I can only trust. There is no other option. Trust and pray and be thankful and hope. This is what blind faith is. Even when we don't understand. Even when we don't like it. We never turn away from God.

So I think I should not only be grateful for the things God gives, but also for when He takes away. I'm thankful for the mercy He has shown me, and the time with Duckling. She supported me and helped me greatly. And I pray that this time of "taking away" is a blessing to us both.

In an interesting parallel... I had a horrible migraine yesterday, probably caused by the rain. It starts out bearable in the morning, and then gradually gets worse. By the evening I'm feeling sick and light bothers me. I seem to make it through the kids classes (although yesterday I wasn't very "genki") but then it worsens before my last adult class. Last time I had a headache like this, I threw up in class and had to cancel. I ended up sleeping at the church because it was too difficult for me to go home. (trains are very very bad for movement sensitive headaches.) This time I made it through class (although we had to cancel chapel and we ended 10 mins early). I had been as ready to go as possible before class, so I finished getting ready to go, which means quite a bit of bending over and such, and manage to make it down the stairs before I empty my stomach. I was actually glad I was able to throw up before getting on the trains. Makes less of a mess later. Since it was Friday night and no school the next day, I really just wanted to go home. I figured I would put up with the trains, and then take a taxi home from the last station. So I set off to the station, very slowly. (having to walk on crutches is a great excuse to walk really slowly and not have others get really annoyed with you.) I made it to right outside of the station, when the movement of walking caught up to me and made sure my stomach was really empty. Once again, I was glad to do that BEFORE getting on the train. I get on the first train and find a seat and cover my head. (I'm sure somewhere in all of this I was desperately begging God to help heal me, but I'm not sure if I really believed it or not.) So the train starts moving, and I find it's not making me sick like I thought it would. I figure it's just because I had covered my eyes or something, but then I managed to make the transfer between trains with little problems. On the second train I'm feeling noticeably better. By the third train, there is no more nausea and the headache is down to manageable size. By my destination station, I feel perfectly fine and I am able to walk home as normal. Now, the reason this is so amazing is because I've had these kinds of headaches before. This kind of headache, after it has reached the throw up stage had NEVER gone away in less than 12 hours! And I usually have a left over headache the next day. To have it go away in such a short time, under heavy movement circumstances is nothing short of a Miracle! God also takes away things we need taken away.

As I thought about that on the way home, I felt that it was OK to hope again. God reminded me once again of His goodness and provision. Just a small thing like that was enough to give me strength.

I still have a long way to go, but it's good to remember that I'm not going alone. The people around me might change, come and go, But the ONE I need will always be with me.

The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away. And I shall Praise Him.

Transforming Sarai's heart

2011-11-01T02:07:00.002+09:00

¹⁵ God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. ¹⁶ I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.” ¹⁷ Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”

¹ The LORD appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day. ² Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground.
³ He said, “If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord,^[e] do not pass your servant by. ⁴ Let a little water be brought, and then you may all wash your feet and rest under this tree. ⁵ Let me get you something to eat, so you can be refreshed and then go on your way—now that you have come to your servant.”
“Very well,” they answered, “do as you say.”
⁶ So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah. “Quick,” he said, “get three seahs^[f] of the finest flour and knead it and bake some bread.”
⁷ Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it. ⁸ He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them. While they ate, he stood near them under a tree.
⁹ “Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.
“There, in the tent,” he said.
¹⁰ Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. ¹¹ Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. ¹² So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
¹³ Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

I can't imagine how hard it was for Abraham and Sarah. Well, maybe it wasn't so bad. I mean, they were rich, good looking, powerful... But they were still waiting for a promise from the Lord. For a REALLY long time.

I feel for Sarah, I really do. She lives in a time where women gain value through giving birth. Even though she is beautiful (beautiful enough for leaders of other countries to take her away), she is childless. She is incomplete as a woman. And even though she has a godly husband, he is a husband who fears her beauty, instead of becoming inspired to protect it. In the end it was God protecting her when she was abandoned by Abram.

Yes, of course her heart would turn bitter and cynical. The thing she must want the most, the thing that has seemly been promised to her years ago, never came. Now she is too old to have children. She is a failure. Dare she even hope for it anymore? How much easier to shut away your heart, and assume that it won't come true.

I feel for Sarah, because my heart is the same. Only I'm not even near 90 yet.

I wonder if her heart was able to laugh with joy after Issac was born, instead of bitterness...

It's so easy for me to get caught up in what I don't have yet. It's easy for me to look at the past records and think it will always be that way. My heart turns bitter, and when someone suggests hope for me, the laughter contains no joy.

How many times have I shot down other's encouraging words, because my bitter heart did not want to be tortured by "false" hope?

It's hard for me, because I can't say that I have "heard" a direct promise from God to me about my life. Maybe if I had one, then I would be able to cling to that and believe. But then again, I would probably doubt it over and over.

My faith is not enough. I do not trust God with my heart. I do not trust God with my future. I look at my past, and my present, and I distrust what God has planned for me. I resign myself to following God, knowing that of course it will be "good," but what is "good" for me is not always "fun" or what I want. I follow because there is nothing else for me to do. But I do not follow with joy or hope.

How sad.

When I teach, I love it when kids are learning because they like learning. They are having fun, they experiment with the things they are learning. Class is a joy for me too. But many kids are there because they have to be. Those classes are not so fun. It's like pulling teeth. No matter how hard I try to make class fun and interesting, if the kid is only doing it because they have to, it's no fun. There is no joy, only frustratingly slow progress.

Both kinds of kids learn, but only one kind enjoys it. The teacher is the same. Only the children's attitudes are different.

When God changed Sarai's name, He gave her a symbolic new start. My notes in my Bible say that both names mean "princess." When I think about it, I guess there are two kinds of princesses. The first, is the spoiled rich-girl kind. You know, the ones that only think of themselves. The second is the elegant, kind, responsible princesses. The ones who are rescued and live happily ever after. Did the transformation of Sarai's name to Sarah also give her a transformation of heart?

I also want to transform my heart. I want to find hope in the future instead of bitter laughter. I want to believe in the possibilities, instead of giving up, believing that I am not worthy of receiving such things. But most of all, I want to be a person who believes without doubting the Goodness of God's heart and intentions toward me. When God tells us to "be joyful always" maybe He is telling us the secret to having "life to the full."

So now, I'm trying to remind myself of these things when the doubts and the negative voices assail me.

Maybe someday I'll get a new name too.

What do you do when God doesn't rescue the way you want Him to?

2011-10-26T00:48:00.002+09:00

When you live in a foreign country, you are at the mercy of a lot of things outside of your control.

And you are very aware of how life is not fair.

I'm sure I've mentioned before my less than ideal former company. One of my roommates was also employed by the same company. I say was because she's going to give her notice tomorrow and quit. Because the company lied to immigration, to her, and probably did a whole lot of other illegal things, thus leading to her visa not being renewed. She could fight it, but it would involve continuing to do less than legal things.

Sometimes life really sucks.

In less than a month I will be deprived of a roommate, thanks to a dishonest company. I feel... cheated, betrayed... empty... defeated.

And attacked.

After being hit with a blow that is going to change my living conditions drastically, the Enemy attacks, whispering, insinuating.

sssoooo.... (Imagine a slithering voice here, for dramatic purposes only.) Where is God now? Why didn't he rescue your friend? Why is He allowing yet another person to be taken down in this country? Doesn't He love you? Why didn't He answer your prayers? HE'S HOLDING OUT ON YOU.

I'm not good a arguing the point. In fact, I generally loose any argument that requires persuasion. I could never make a living as a salesman. So, I know better than to try to argue back against the voices. I can't quote scriptures to save my life.

But I can turn my back. Refuse to let the voices take me down more. Even if I don't know why, I know God does. God loves us. God has a plan for us. And God rescues us. Even if it's not the way we had planned out.

My ideas of what would be good did not pan out. But God remains God. He remains in control. I must believe this, or I have nothing.

My community I had wanted is going to be gone soon. I will be left with one roommate and an uncertain future. The results I feared have come to pass.

But my roommate is determined to not go back to America defeated. She will go back with her head high, clinging to her God.

So I must also not be defeated here. I pray that we may praise and honor God through this, to the very final moments of our community.

God did not answer the way we wanted Him to.

So what.

Life is not fair.

Yeah. So what.

It could be much worse.

I may not have the hope part of things down yet, but I am thankful for the rock that supports me with truth and faith when I don't have the answers.

And I'm thankful for a God who is compassionate when I cry when I loose things dear to me.

Maybe someday I'll see and understand His grace in this situation.

But even if I don't.

I'll stand on this rock.

Another lesson learned from Children.

2011-10-23T23:10:00.002+09:00

I love children. I feel most myself when I'm taking care of children or playing with animals. The ideal would be doing both at the same time. :-D

I like watching children, and learning more about God through them.

Kids can be fun, but they can be difficult too.

I have a difficult student.

We've been having problems with this student for a while, trying different tactics etc to promote a good environment in our classroom. Sometimes nothing you do works.

And then there is an explosion.

The kid was acting out. Usually this is done verbally. Last week it was done physically. The first victim was the classroom table, scratched up by a metal pencil extender. I calmly took away the pencil extender and gave a short lecture on the importance of valuing other people's property and mentioning that I would have to speak to his mother, again. I'm not sure how much of the speech got though, since it was in Japanese. But he stopped scratching up the table. Then he stopped participating in class. He was shut down for the rest of class. Then his mother comes. And suddenly he's having a fit. Knocking things over, kicking, banging. Then he hides until we've finished talking and it's time to go. I've never seen a kid put up such a fuss for leaving a classroom he doesn't like!

And I was thinking about why kids do things like that? Doesn't he know that there are consequences for his actions? If he didn't destroy things, there wouldn't be a problem. If he participated in class, we could have more fun. The rules aren't difficult to follow, so why is it so difficult?

Then God graciously reminded me of of the temper tantrums I've thrown. (recently!)

Among my friends, we sometimes say that we have been "yelling" at God. And we say this because of course God is big enough to take it. He of course wants our honest feelings right?

But this week, I've been wondering about that. The little boy, yelling at his mother, didn't accomplish anything. Even the most patient mother is going to get worn down by that. Of course, God is not a human mother, bound by human limits. But when I think of how silly the boy was yelling for something that was his fault, and if he would just sit down and listen, things would be better...

I see myself.

Lately, there are a lot of things I feel like yelling at God about. I read books and do Bible studies that tell me to live from my heart, and follow what my heart's desire is because that's what God created me to do, and then I sit back and watch my heart's desire crumbling little by little, powerless to stop it. I desire to serve God and do His will, but working in a church feels like I've been put in chains, and I begin to despise it. I long for a physical community to support and be supported by, and the future is uncertain thanks to corrupt companies and visa issues. I want to be a better person and help and teach others, but I shut down at the first signs of stress. I spend more and more nights laying awake with disabling pain in my head that causes me to throw up with enough movement (turning over in bed is enough movement these days...)

I don't know what it means.

And Doubt tries to knock me over. "Is this a God who loves you? What happened to all that peace He promised you? Where's the strength? What happened to 'my burden is light?" hmmm? He's holding out on you..."

So I stop, and take a deep breath, and remember: I'm not in prison, I'm not in the Holocaust. I'm not starving or persecuted. There have been those with far more difficult lives who have praised God through it all.

Throwing a temper tantrum, yelling at God for all my problems, is not going to solve anything. It doesn't draw me closer to God. It doesn't enable me to hear Him more. It doesn't make my troubles go away. I can't manipulate God with my tantrums (yes, I've tried. Guilt tripping God doesn't work.)

(Disclaimer: I'm not saying this doesn't work for some people, the yelling at God part... I'm saying, this isn't working for me...)

I'm tired of being a petulant child. God is not to blame for my life circumstances. He is not holding out on me. Just because I don't know what is going on doesn't mean He doesn't.

So I'm going to take a few deep breaths, calm down, and maybe give myself some time out to think about it.

And be very, very, VERY thankful that God puts up with all these temper tantrums.

Maybe when I yell less, and listen more, I will find God talking to me...

~~years ago...

2011-10-06T01:10:00.002+09:00

Four score minus some years ago (even if I was awake enough to do math, I'm not sure what a four score is...) I was born into this world. Apparently on the day more Americans are born on than any other. (this is sad...)

I've reached the age where I don't like to think about age. When I was younger, I thought women who did that were stupid. Now I'm one of them. Sad.

Today was a rainy day, which is my least favorite kind of day. But other than that things went well. Many of my students remembered my birthday, and a surprising number of them kids. I have lots of erasers now, some stickers (love stickers) and some notepads of my favorite character. I even ended up with two calendars of the same design from two different people. I also got a English/Japanese praise CD with a song book with Chords included. Way nice. And some of my students drew pictures for me.

Here's a super cute version of me! I look much younger when drawn like this! 6th graders are awesome.

It's nice to be celebrated.

I hope this year is better than the last one!

Oh, and the great thing about living in Japan is: I live in the future. This means I can start celebrating on the 5th here, because it's the 5th, but my actual birthday isn't until the 5th in America, so I can keep celebrating an extra day! So awesome. :-D

Praying from the Scriptures...

2011-10-03T21:34:00.002+09:00

Well, it's Monday night here in Japan, and that means one thing:

time for another after community night reflected blog.

Tonight our topic was praying from Scriptures. We have already gone though the Apostolic prayers, so this week was more reflective, asking what our favorite or meaningful passages to pray from Scripture was.

At first I was a bit stumped. I haven't prayed Scripture in a long time. So nothing came to mind.

But then I opened an old Bible I haven't used in a long time, and pages and pages of highlighted verses jumped out at me, reminding me of where I have been, and what I have prayed before.

And I realized again, how very little I change.

I'm still praying about the same things it feels like.

When I was younger, I struggled with clinical depression. I had childhood depression as well. So I fear much of my life has been lived in a cloud of negative thought patterns, keeping me chained and isolated in my own little personal bubble.

It's a hard habit to break even when I am not currently depressed.

During that time in my life, Psalm 13 was a staple for me. I prayed it often, with great feeling, grateful that I was not alone in my darkness. There was someone else who had gone through it all before, and still managed to praise God.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

When I was younger, I struggled to figure out who my enemies were. I assumed at the time that I was my own enemy, allowing my thoughts to destroy myself from the inside out. Now I know better. My enemy is unseen, but ever so real. My enemy attacks me often, and would definately rejoice if I fell. Yes, I know who my enemy is now. It makes more sense.

And that enemy is the one who keeps attacking me to the point where I am back in the same place, crying the same tears, praying the same prayers, and receiving the same comfort to continue. So much has changed, yet so very little.

The other Psalm that I chose to share with the community tonight was Psalm 25. Psalm 25:4 was my Confirmation verse when I was in the 7th grade. I'm grateful for the childlike faith I had then, and how it has kept me grounded all these years. Even now, I pray and yearn for the guidance of God...

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not be let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember no the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD?
He will instruct him in the way chose for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant know to them.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look up on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me knot be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

I love the lifting up of the soul, the pleading for guidance and truth, the freedom from shame and the prayers for rescue.

How much I have forgotten! How often I have relied on my own rightness and my own prayers! Yet there were such treasures and so many more waiting for me!

Yes, I have neglected the Word of God recently.

And this might be why I have no strength lately.

So it should be a good goal for the beginning of a new year: Find and pray my heart in more and more Scripture.

Amen

7 years ago.

2011-10-03T14:12:00.003+09:00

7 years ago at this time, I was on an airplane, drawing ever closer and closer to my new home. It was exciting.

In the seat to my left sat/slept the girl who would share 2 1/2 years of experience with me. To my right was an old man who liked to talk (to me) and who apparently thought the girl next to me was my daughter. (I'm not THAT much older than she is!) It was an "interesting" plane ride.

Thus began 7 years of being a foreigner. I've ridden on trains, eaten raw fish (and enjoyed it), bathed with strangers (and friends, which might be more awkward...), said stupid things in bad Japanese, actually managed to communicate in Japanese, made friends, had epiphanies, been amazed by the culture, and been frustrated by the culture, missed out on important events in my friends and families lives, seen a baptism of a man I knew, sang karaoke, learned to play the guitar, broken my foot, broken and mended my heart countless times, fallen in love and struggled to grow closer to God. I've learned how to teach English, learned about Jr. High Schools and Elementary schools, been told I look like a doll who knows how many times, forgotten how to say things in English, and have seen and done many more things.

I've done more in 7 years than some people do in their lifetimes.

I am blessed.

I am thankful for my time in Japan. And no matter how much I may be frustrated, I always remember, I'm living in Japan. And somehow this makes my frustration a little less.

I am fortunate.

So, here's Glory to the God that made it all possible. 7 years in the land I love.

Thank you Father.

How does something the cat dragged in honor God?

2011-10-02T00:34:00.002+09:00

Sometimes you just feel like something the cat dragged in.

I've felt like this for at least a month I'm sure.

It wears down on you. Just the little things, the daily living, piling up on you. And an abundance of small annoyances, each one insignificant, yet there are so many of them.

So I get frustrated, and I complain. I allow myself to be affected, and they slowly taint me. I've become sluggish, easily distracted, sleep deprived, and forced to go the long way all the time.

It hasn't broken my back yet, but I'm feeling the weight of straw...

(don't worry, not EVERYTHING is bad. There are good things that keep me sane enough. Probably. The sanity that is, not the good things.)

In my Bible Studies, we are reading about the Flood and Noah. This week we read about how when Noah came out of the ark, he then took some of all of the clean animals (aka food) and built and offer and gave them to God. And the "aroma" of his offering was so pleasing to God, right then God promised to never destroy the earth and all mankind again, even though He knew what their hearts would become like again...

Seriously, Noah is amazing. Not only did he spend how many ever years of his life building a huge boat in a hostile environment (and I'm assuming he would also have to do other work that allowed him to continue his daily living at the same time.) he then spent a whole year on a boat with just his wife and kids and a whole lot of animals. This means he has to take care of all these said animals. He watched the water go down, and then he had to wait until the land was able to support life again.

How many "little" annoyances were piling up on him? How much sleep did he loose?

But in the end, after the first taste of freedom, the first thing he does is...
honor God.

What would be the first thing you do after being cooped up in a boat for a year? I'm thinking most people would not even think to kill some of the precious food animals and burn them completely up to honor the God who caused it all. Granted "most" people also died because they didn't do things like that in the first place.

This means Noah must have had a habit of honoring God.

Wow. That's really impressive.

As I was walking home tonight, tired after a long week, still carrying around a load of straw on my back, and feeling irritated at my response to it all, it struck me how little I honor God.

My complaints do not honor God. My just get through the week attitude does not honor God. My thoughts and inclinations of my heart do not honor God.

Yeah, I cried a little as I was walking home.

From the frustration of failing, from the knowledge of my position...

and mostly from this deep sense of loneliness and hopelessness that threatened to crush me. And the question: How DO I honor God in this mess? How am I supposed to honor God when I'm tired and twarted over and over again? What should I be doing when I'm lonely and my heart is aching?

Can you hear the great sigh I just let out?

The problem is there is no pat answer. Different people honor God differently. He created us like that. Even if I did everything that Noah did, it's not the same, because I am not Noah. I must honor God in my own way.

I just wish I knew what that was.

I suppose the first step is to stop thinking "oh woe is me" all the time. A little perspective tells me that my problems are not as bad as they seem when I'm tired, walking home at midnight on crutches. It could be worse. So many, many people have it worse than me. And yet I have the arrogance to complain about it.

Yeah, that was another sigh.

I don't have answers to these questions yet, but I'm asking the questions. And looking, even if it's only a little, for the answers. And that might be part of the answer itself.

But I do kinda wish I knew what Noah did when he was frustrated.....

Answers to earnest prayers and pondering the meaning of Hope

2011-09-13T00:13:00.002+09:00

So last week I had a breakthrough. Well, more like a sudden fall into a clear space. (see previous post if you are confused.) Either way, it was a good thing. And suddenly I found myself able to pray, REALLY pray for the first time in what seems like ages.

Earnest prayers. I had forgotten what it felt like to pray with passion and conviction from my heart.

Such a blessing.

I prayed the prayer from the last post everyday last week, sometimes more than once a day.

And this week, God answered with some pavement. I prayed for Him to clear the way so that I could meet those I cared about again, and so He did.

I got an e-mail yesterday letting me know that this Saturday the band would come back.

God is awesome.

So just that much information has changed my whole outlook on my week. Before Saturday was a day to remember things that no longer were, a day to wait, and another week gone by. Now Saturday brings joy to my heart, and gives me something to look forward to. Suddenly my week doesn't seem as drab, as routine as before.

So much difference that one piece of information makes.

And it got me thinking. About faith, hope, peace, etc.

What does it all mean?

When I started praying again, I felt a wonderful peace that I hadn't felt for a while. I finally was able to pour out my heart to God, not in fear, but in love. And that brought peace to my heart. But what it didn't bring was hope.
I was able to think about all the possibilities, accept that God may not open the doors for me to see them again, think about what life would be like if that was the outcome... and though I didn't have joy or hope, I had peace. I had God. And He was listening to me. The God Who Hears.
Then my prayer was answered, at least in part.

Suddenly there is joy. Contentment and a feeling of being close to God because He has heard my prayers. And suddenly I'm looking forward eagerly. This is not just another week. There is something at the end of this week! Waiting for me on Saturday. I can already feel the difference in myself, the joy I have while going though this week.

This drastic change made me wonder about things a bit.

Was I not being completely faithful the week before, when I doubted that God would answer my prayers the way I wanted? Or was I just waiting? It's hard to tell.

But I didn't have Hope at that time? But what is Hope? My joy came after I was promised something. When I knew what to look forward to, I had sudden and tangible joy. Is the act of looking forward then Hope? Or is Hope something different?

I know several people who struggle with the meaning of Hope. What are we Hoping for? How does that change our lives? What is True Hope that does not disappoint?

I'm sure my idea of Hope will continue to change and grow as I gain more experience but for now...

I Hope to have the Fullness of Life, both now and in the True Life to come.

And I Hope to find Heaven with no holes, no missing faces, no pieces of my heart absent.

And if I really and truly have Faith in that Hope, this means I should be Loving more people, and giving more pieces of my heart away, so that my Joy in Heaven can be even greater.

Father, strengthen my heart, so I may be blameless and Holy before you on the Day of our Lord Jesus Christ. Father consider me worthy of the Calling You have given me, and do not allow me to be lacking in any spiritual gift, wisdom, knowledge and most especially love. Increase my love to overflowing proportions. Provide what is lacking in my faith, so that I may produce fruit in the work you have given to me. And open my heart to understand how deep and how wide, how long and how high Your Love is. Thank You Father for all You are and all You have given. Your Glory is so great, and yet You would share it with one such as me. Thank You. I can never love You enough. You are my Only Hope. Amen.

Left hangning or just hanging around?

2011-09-05T22:19:00.002+09:00

I visited a group of friends this summer in Fukushima. Friends is actually too shallow a word. These are people who are more that co-workers, more than fellow soldiers, more than sisters. We have prayed, worshiped, laughed, cried, ranted, fought, made up, bared our hurts and our fears, and shared our hopes together for many years now. We are connected by the bond of shared experiences and living together in a sometimes hostile spiritual environment. We support, strengthen, wound and pray for each other. I have no appropriate word for what these women mean to me.

While we were sharing with each other, I was explaining what my spiritual life felt like right now.

The image I had was me, connected to a life line - a good strong life line, securely attached to the line - but nothing else. And here I am hanging in this dense fog. I don't know what's around me. I don't know if there is a wall or a building near by. I have no idea how far off the ground I am. I just know that I can feel myself being blown around by the winds of circumstance, by fear, misinformation, whatever. Sometimes I'm just spinning uncontrollably. And I know I'm connected to the life line. But everything else just seems so out of control.

Fast forward.

Tonight was community night in our house. My roommate has been teaching us about the Apostolic prayers. Tonight we read 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13.

⁹ How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? ¹⁰ Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.
¹¹ Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you. ¹² May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. ¹³ May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

Suddenly, reading this the fog cleared for a moment, and I realized I've been hovering above the solid rock for who knows how long. It's not the life line I need to cling to... It's the Rock.

Ok, I know you might be confused at this point. Why is this prayer so profound, sweeping away my fog and confusion? Well, without the context of my fog it's difficult to understand.

If you've been reading long enough, you know that there is this band. Not just any band, a band I love. It's a street band that I met 6 years ago. And I firmly believe that one of my callings/responsibilities is for this band and the people who gather around it.

For half a year now the band has been taking a break from it's weekly performances. There has been a drop in the number of fans recently, and so they thought they would spend some time trying to improve their music. At first they were thinking about one month off and then come back. But that has gradually lengthened to a full 6 months.

There are many dynamics involved between the three members, but this weekend I started getting the feeling that maybe they wouldn't be coming back.

And I panicked. Begin crazy swinging/spinning on my life line.

In my fear, I thought of how much time and prayer and love I have put into these people. I thought of how much I want them in my life, how much I want to see them. And I came to the conclusion that I must not be enough. I'm not enough to keep them here. I'm not enough to call them back. I'm not enough to teach them about God.

That's all. There's nothing more I can do. Maybe all this time was really wasted. Maybe I didn't love the right way. I didn't use my time well enough. I didn't pray enough. I allowed myself to become too distracted and focused too much on myself. And I lost them.

I cried out to God, "teach me how to pray. What can I do for these people I love? You love them right? I know you must! What is Your will for them? What will become of this treasure that I love so much?"

And so in the midst of all this spinning and swinging and praying and crying... God answered.

⁹ How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? ^{Oh yeah. That's right. These are the people who gave me joy in the presence of God. Have I been thankful for them lately? Nope, too afraid of loosing them to be thankful. Just stop a moment, Amber, and Remember. Remember the joy. Remember the presence of God. And be Thankful, not fearful.

10} Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.

Hey, I've been praying all kinds of things, questions, second guessing God, blaming myself, feeling miserable. I totally forgot to pray for the chance to see them again. And more than that, a chance to supply what is lacking in their faith. Maybe I haven't done a great job to this point, but there is still so much to give them. This is a good prayer....

¹¹ Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you.

Yes, rather than relying on my own scheming, my Father should be the one to clear the way for me to come to them. I suddenly feel a little less motion sick. Hey, my spinning is starting to slow down!

¹² May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. ^{I remember how I fell in love with their love for each other. When was the last time I marveled in their love? Have I EVER prayed for their love to increase, overflow? How wonderful that would be! Hey look! That looks suspiciously like the ground below me!

13} May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

Of course. This is it. This is my true purpose, right? I want them to be blameless and holy before God. I want to share my eternity with these people. When was the last time I prayed for their hearts? When was the last time I desired their salvation?

*bump*

I think I just landed hard on the Rock. I think that's gonna leave a bruise. But bruises will help me to Remember. And a bruise is nothing compared to the hole in heaven where the people I love might not be.

Ah. It's good to be on the Rock.

And now it's time for me to get on my knees... (well, I would if I didn't have a broken foot...)

I've missed my Rock. God is gracious.

I feel like maybe my heart has done just a little bit of healing tonight. And at least the motion sickness has stopped for now.