The sin of Neglect

I've been neglecting my blog lately. To be honest, I've been neglecting many things lately. The list is a rather long one.

For long time readers of my blog, you might be somewhat familiar with my little bonsai tree Paga-chan. Paga-chan was given to me for my birthday several years ago from a dear friend. This said dear friend loves bonsai very much, and likes to grow her trees from seeds. She had just separated two seedlings she had been growing, and she gave one to me. I however, do not have much of a green thumb. I'm not good with plants. Or fish. Or small things that require a lot of attention, but don't demand it and remind me constantly. I'm good with small children, dogs and cats that remind you when they have needs (and make you pay the consequences rather quickly when you don't meet those needs.) But there was a reason I wanted the bonsai. I wanted to learn perseverance.

Paga-chan has been nice enough to teach me many things about my relationship with God, and recently is helping teach me a more sobering lesson. One I need to learn over and over. The lesson of neglect.

You see trees don't react quickly. If a tree is sick, it takes a while to show up. There are no immediate reactions to motivate. If you haven't guessed by now, I've been neglecting Paga-chan recently. I was supposed to re-pot her a long time ago and check her roots. But since I had never done that before, and didn't really have a clue as to how to do it, I'd been putting it off. This job also makes it more difficult for me to water her and look after her. So there's lot's of "I'll do it later." About a month or so ago, I finally got around to re-potting poor Paga. She had a few brown needles, but I thought she was doing ok. I didn't really do anything with the roots, just put her in a slightly bigger pot, hoping she would survive.

Then all her needles started getting brown. Poor Paga looks rather sad. You know the pine tree in A Charlie Brown Christmas? Imagine smaller and all the needles are brown instead of green. With less needles. She's a sad sight. It'll probably take until next spring to know for certain if she is dead or not. My dear friend gave me some instructions about roots and such, so I have re-re-potted her, and hopefully she will survive.

Right now there are a lot of circumstances coming to a head right now. Many things are happening because of neglect on my part. When so many things happen at the same time, it's easy to feel lost in a storm. It's easy to feel crushed and just want to give up. After all, for many of them, it's my fault.

Sorry for the vagueness, but there's a lot that I can't go into detail here.

But this has got me thinking a lot. (funny how trouble does that.) It suddenly dawned on me the seriousness of the sin of neglect. Neglect is something that is so easy to do. It's easy to think that you are tired, or that you have plenty of time later. It's easy to rationalize it away. So many little little steps. And you never think they will have major repercussions. After all, who really thinks of neglect as a sin? I mean really, it's not so bad right?

That's the danger isn't it? People die from neglect. It's a crime to neglect children or pets. What was the order God gave Adam and Eve? Take care of the earth. Neglect goes directly against God. It's so easy to do, because there's rarely instant consequences. It's easy to let it build up over days, months, years, until everything just falls apart, rotten from the inside out. I neglect my blog, my house, my family, my friends, my health, my spiritual life, my relationships.... All this neglect is degrading my life away. And now the signs are showing. And when the signs start showing, that means there is little time left. The consequences have come due. Oh yeah, it's not a pretty sight.

Fortunately, I have a God who loves me. He has watched my neglecting ways. He has forgiven my neglecting ways. He has even seen fit to open my eyes to the seriousness of my actions. And now, I wait. I wait to see what the verdict is for the charges against me. I will have to pay the consequences soon. I don't know what they are yet, but I know that they will be just, and maybe there will be some grace thrown in the mix. But the good news is, God never neglects me. I often neglect Him, but He will never neglect me.

Wow. I can't even imagine. Neglect is such a horrible thing. Can you imagine what it feels like to be the one neglected? It's got to be worse than being hated. You just don't matter. You have become nothing. Not worth my time or my energy. I can't imagine much worse.

And I did that to God. I've done it to many people I love. I can't believe how terrible that is. But what amazes me is that I am still loved. God still loves me and promises to provide for me. My friends and family still love me and want the best for me. There is still hope for Paga-chan.

I'm not sure what the point of this is, other than the need to reflect and confess my own sin. The need to put into words, what is so easy to (for lack of a better word...) neglect. I'm not trying to imply that this sin is more terrible than any other sin. I'm just trying to remind myself that it is the same as any other sin. And that it is a real sin, and a prominent one in my life.

There are a lot of things that need to be worked out. Strongholds to break down, relationships to build, lessons to learn, prayers to pray. But I feel hope for the future. I have a God who does not neglect me. And I can grow and change. There is hope for Paga-chan, but more importantly, there is hope for me. There is hope for Japan, a land full of neglect. So I wait. I wait to see if Paga will survive. I wait to see if I will be living in Japan next month. I wait to see if my relationships will be given new life. I wait to see if I will learn the lesson better this time. And I pray.

I want to build up, not tear down. I want to share life, not neglect.

Sorry, the blog posts are all kinda dark recently. I have some fun pictures that I've been meaning to put up and I hope to do that sometime. Thanks so much for your comments and your support. I really do appreciate it.

Arrows.

I guess when I get in writing moods, I just write a lot...

I'm not sure this blog will make much sense, but I'm just processing right now. (I promise to reply to comments later. Well, I'll try really hard..)

Today I went to "Postcard." That's where Sing goes to the station and sells postcards he has made. His fans gather around and camp out while he's there. Lot's of people coming and going. Sometimes they even buy the postcards.

It was a nice day, and I was feeling good. Sing was also feeling good I guess. Sing likes philosophical discussions a lot, and he had just read a new book and wanted to talk about it. He kept trying to talk about it and trying to find someone who would have the kind of conversation he wanted. I could only follow about 60% of the conversation. But the starting point was "if the world was going to end in 8 years, what would you do?" He kept bringing up how the world would go crazy and it would become a dangerous place and what people would become. But at some point in the conversation, religion was brought into the picture.

Now Sing and I have a long history now. I've known him for 4 years. I guess he has this kind of idea of what it is a Christian "missionary" should be doing. I'm not really clear on what that is, but it's been a point of a lot of hurt between us. He also likes to egg things on sometimes.

So I enter into the conversation. At some point, Sing makes it into a "Defend your position" type of conversation. He wants me to "win" the conversation and prove my point. Of course, this can't be done. At least not by me. I'm not good at that. And Sing's good at finding all my weak points.

In one of his books, John Eldredge talks about what he calls the "message of the Arrows." The lies or circumstances that wound you. It's kinda a more in dept concept than I really want to explain here, but I think you can kinda get the point.

At the end of my conversation with Sing, I was processing it, and it hit me. The Arrow. I could see that I had once again failed in Sing's opinion. He had offered me so many chances to do my "job" and I blew it. I couldn't explain it well enough, I didn't make it attractive enough. No one understood. I failed. Sometimes when that happens, I see a look of disdain in his eyes. Or maybe disappointment. Mixed with triumph, like he knew he would win. My loss lowers the value of the entire Christian message in his eyes.

Ouch. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It hurts more because he's so close to me. I came home crying. (discovering along the way that riding your bike while crying is just about as bad as riding in the rain... Note to self...) Again.

But this time, I did something different. I remembered the words about the message of the Arrows. I know that it's not just Sing here. Satan wants me to believe those words. He wants me to be injured. He wants my hurt and my anger and my frustration. And he got it. But, not for very long. I talked to God about it, and God reminded me that it's ok. It's ok if I fail (which is not the point here.) It's God's job to fight for me. God works in my weaknesses. It will be ok.

The conversation ended with "Papa" the man central to the conversation (other than Sing) saying that he kinda understood my words, but He just couldn't understand the point. And I told him it was because he didn't really want to. And he agreed with me.

Here's the point.

If you don't want to understand, you are not going to. If you don't want to find God, you are not going to. This has nothing to do with the teacher.

I teach English for a living. I'm not the world's best teacher, but I'm not a bad teacher. I make mistakes, but for the most part, my students are able to learn English. Working in public schools has changed one central thing for me. I now have students who don't care about English. In conversation schools the student are there because they want to be. In public schools they just have to be. It makes a huge difference.

No matter how wonderful a teacher I am, if the student doesn't want to learn, I can't make them learn English. This is the student's problem. I can teach it in as many different ways as possible, do everything in my power to make it interesting, but if they don't want to learn, I can't make them learn. It's that simple.

This is the same with faith. If people don't want God, they won't understand what I am saying. Does that make me a failure? No.

But I guess the point is not if I failed or not. It's the hurt from the look in Sing's eyes because HE thinks I have failed. It's the Arrows that try to wound me to decide to shut off my heart, get angry at Sing, give up and stop trying. It's easy to blame it all on Sing and trow up my hands and shake the dirt off my feet. And then I remember, isn't that what Satan wants me to do? Let it get to me. And I really have failed.

So this time, I'll just let the Arrow hit me. It hurts, but that's ok. But you know what, as soon as I realized that, the tears stopped. My chest relaxed. I forgave Sing and myself. There's still a long way to go, but if I believe that it's ok even if I'm shot, then I can continue forward. If I trust God to take care of me, then it's ok if I'm shot full of arrows. The point is to not be shot. The point is to continue anyway. This is faith.

So, I think that thanks to Satan's latest Arrow, I've gotten just a little stronger today. It's not about winning or loosing. God will take care of that. I will continue forward, learning as I go. As many Arrows as it takes.

And now I'm tired. That's quite a lot of emotional highs and lows in one afternoon. Time for bed and another week of work.

Thanks for your prayers and your interest in my blog. I am very encouraged when I heard that people who read this are praying for me and Japan. Please also pray for Sing and "Papa" and the girls who were listening. Pray that their hearts will be softened and their eyes opened, so they can want to understand, so that they can see their own need for God. What if the world was going to end in 8 years? What if tomorrow? That thought is kind more painful than all the Arrows. I love these people, and I would like them to share Eternal Life with me. I pray that God gives you wisdom in your prayers for these important people to me.

Thank you so much. (insert deep bow here.)

On being the Single Friend (or Living like a Fingertip.)

It's been a while since my last update, not really for lack of things to write about. I just haven't been able to sit down and write. Life updates will come later I hope. For now, random musings from this week...

When I was very young, I always felt alone and socially awkward. I somehow came to the impression that I didn't have any friends. In my little world, my friends were the books I read. We lived out in the country, so it was hard to have playmates anyway. I was alone. Don't ask me where the thought came from. Looking back, I can see that while I have never been one of the "popular" girls, I have always been blessed with friends. No matter what stage or place in my life, God has always provided friends for me.

I'm not really sure when it started, but sometime in Elementary school, I decided I liked boys. Not really romantically, I just thought that boys were better than girls. I wanted to be friends with "the boys." I tried really hard to be one of the "boys." Of course, I wasn't the kind of girl to be accepted so easily by the boys, but I could usually find some who at least tolerated me somewhat. But no matter how hard I chased after the boys, God always provided me with female friends as well.

Now that I think about it, I am always chasing after relationships that don't suit me, ignoring the people God has given me, and chasing after "bigger, brighter" things. Whether it was the popular crowd or the boys or trying to find romance on my own, I'm always leaving behind what I have to chase after something else. And then I feel alone when I don't reach those things. I think, "I must be not good enough. There must be something wrong with me, or I would be able to have the relationships I want." I am tainted and un-valuable. (yeah, spell check tells me that isn't a word, but I don't care...)

One very valuable experience for me has been watching my friends form romantic relationships. Some I have seen from the very beginning (one set of friends started dating in the back seat of my car...). I have seen the dating, marriage, kids, and even sadly enough, divorce. I have seen hook-ups and break-ups. Boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. Now that I'm in Japan, there are husbands and kids I have never met. I've learned a lot about what "good" relationships should look like, and the consequences of bad ones. I've even given out plenty of relationship advice from the sidelines. (Why people even ask me for that, I'll never know.)

But there's only so much I can learn from watching others. I learn from experience. Generally when learning something, I read/watch/listen to directions, hopefully see an example, and then to really understand it, I have to do it myself. There is only so much that reading, watching and listening can do for me. I get some information, but not the whole picture.

When I was younger, I watched with a jealousy that made me envy my friends of their good fortunes. I usually ended up depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I often tried to make others feel sorry for me too. (always a bad idea) Sometimes, I still do. It's a hard habit to break. But recently I've noticed that I'm watching with more of a sense of deep longing and a feeling of separation. Separation from my friends and their shared experiences, separation from the feeling of being a complete person, loved and appreciated unconditionally.

Why am I suddenly thinking about this? I guess it was just something I've been pondering this week as I have been reflecting on my currently spiritual condition (mixed with a bit of PMS I'm sure.)

Right now I'm reading "The Ransomed Heart" by John Eldredge. It's a collection of writings from his many books. There is a repeating theme of Heart, Desire, Romance and Love in his writings. The things that make us truly alive.

And I look around at my friends. I see the relationships they have: with their significant other, with each other, with God. And I feel a great gulf between us. They seem to have what I'm looking for. There is only so much I can learn from this side of the gulf. There is only so much we can share like this, only so close I can come to them. I find most of my friends are "taken." Even the single ones have wonderful, vibrant, fulfilling relationships with God. And I'm left wondering what I'm missing. I feel frozen in time, unable to break free. I am the Single Friend.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want a boyfriend. I've wanted that since jr. high. I want the knight in shining armor to come on a white horse and rescue me. I want to experience intimacy. But I've seen enough to know that a boyfriend alone won't be enough to satisfy me or to fill me. What I really want is a romance with God. To hear him call my name. To feel for even a moment His eyes upon me, looking at me intently, and to feel the depth of His love for me (as scary as that sounds.) I want to know more than theology or doctrine. I want to know more than I can find out by just hearing about other people's experiences. I want to leave behind my "singleness" and enter into relation.

There is a song by Avril whose lyrics often speak to me. The openings lines are "I'm standing on a bridge, I'm waiting in the dark. I thought that you'd be here by now. Nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground. I'm listening but there's no sound. Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life..."
It's a song about being alone, but I think it expresses the human condition so well. Our separation from God and the coldness in our souls that comes with it. Our "singleness."

Another song I really like is called "ooh ahh" by the Grits. It talks about living life by the fingertips, never quite having a full grasp on things. This is my current relationship with God. Only fingertips. Sometimes I fall, I slip. But I hope, I know one day my Prince will come. He will look deep into my soul and tell me that I am beautiful and valuable because I belong to Him. And He will never let me go. He will fight for me and He has already won. And I will understand, I will leave behind my life of singleness- of aloneness- and be in a True relationship.

So I wait as a bridesmaid, waiting for when the Groom will come for me also. So for now, I need to make sure I have enough oil in my lamp as I wait, so I am ready for when He comes. I can't be running after distractions, or I might miss Him. And so this is what Hope is. Waiting for the fulfillment of a promise by the one you love.

Now the hard part is figuring out how to make that resolution practical and how to merge it with daily life, whose sole objective is to see how much it can distract me from my Hope. (Ahh!! It's too much for the poor ADD girl to handle!!!!)

There were many more thoughts and musings from this week, but I didn't write them all down, so this is all you get this time. For anyone who is interested, here are the lyrics to "ooh ahh" with my favorite places highlighted. For a rap song, it often makes me want to cry, and dance at the same time. :-D

My life be like Ooh Ahh
CHORUS:
It's times like these that make me say,
Lord if you see me please come my way.
Leavin bread crumbs for when I stray
Rely on sacrifice and the price you paid
Feel me like a fingertip
(flow fingertip flow fingertip)
Sometimes I fall I slip
Got a heartfelt desire be more like you
Trying not to quench your fire by the things that i do

I'm on an island by my lonesome stranded
Low key and stayin� candid
Reflectin on the things I try my hand at
Search for the equations to persuasions I'm used to
Findin comfort in the zones of closet bones I get loose to
A mountainous fontaine,
Spinnin and monsoonin
Grinnin its high octane
This worlds out wacky
Rollin down the hills cause lifes a hassle
Encircled by my folly like a moat surround a castle
Stay afloat,
Catch a second wind thin is the air I breathe
Teary-eyed nose runnin, wipe the snot on my sleeve
I'm callin on my savior to be all that I need
Please forgive me my behavior had me lost at light speed

CHORUS

The fear of never falling in love
And the tears after losing the feelings
Of what you thought love was
Like the dirt still up under the rug
(My life be like)
Bad characteristics covered in Christ's blood
The joy of new birth and the pain of growing up
The bliss between giving my all and giving up
The highs and lows,
Paths and roads I chose
In the cold I froze
Trying to ease my woes
In this world of sin
Clothes to thin to fend
So to God I send
Words of help to win
In grumblings so deep letters could never express
So the sounds of Ooh Ahh beneath my breath projects

CHORUS

My life be like (Toby Mac)

My life be like ooh aah ooh
Dum dum diddy
Here comes that boy from the capital city
Last up on the Grits new ditty
But eight bars of the truth will do, eh
I believe there's a bride thats stunning,
And I believe in the kingdom coming
I believe if you seek the truth,
You don't need to look far cuz it's gonna find you

So why, oh why, do I trip and stumble?
And ooh ahh as commitments crumble?
I can't believe that I'm here again

CHORUS

Fullness of Life

I went to a celebration dinner last night for the missionaries who are finishing up their terms this coming April. Since I'm a recent Alumni, I still know most people. But there was one missionary who was new, and it was the first chance I had to meet him. So, he's a friendly guy. Real friendly. And nice. And he walks up to me after I've had a chance to relax with one of my friends for a bit (since as a rule, I'm not good in groups, I usually have all my walls up and don't make small talk well if I don't know the group.) This meant that my walls had partially come down. I was in a good mood, and saying whatever came to mind at the time. Poor guy. So he walks up to me and tries to initiate a conversation. It went something like this:

"I've heard so many wonderful things about you! All kinds of bells and whistles and joy and dancing etc." (I don't remember the exact wording, but those are what stuck out to me.)

Poor guy.

My friend and I were instantly laughing in his face. Because none of those are words that I would associate with myself. (He also made the mistake of trying to flatter me, which I don't take well.) Poor guy.

But it's interesting. I'm not a joyful person. I'm not an optimist. I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm a pessimist (I prefer to say pessimistically leaning realist.) But it's true that I generate a lot of negativity. I'm good at hard cold truth. Law is my friend. Joy is something I see in other people.

Yet, I miss it.

In my bible study last week, we had a question that I couldn't answer. It was "What truth has been revealed to you this year that you are not putting into practice?" I was stumped. I couldn't really think of anything. Usually with questions like that, my guilty conscious jumps right in and gives me a nice long list of things I did wrong, things I'm not doing right or enough and things I'm just plain not doing. But this time there was nothing. What did God want me to be doing? What was I doing wrong? What habitual sin do I need to overcome? It was a blank slate. So I went to class with the question unanswered.

A different question in the same study had also stuck out at me. It was about the verse where Jesus declares "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no one comes to the Father except through me." The question asked us to explain the difference between the three words, way, truth and life. At first I thought it would be easy. But when I thought about it, it was harder than I thought.

Finally I found somewhat of an answer. In Japanese you can use the word 道 ("michi" or "dou") for the word way, or path. It's how you get there, what you do, what you follow. Budou is the way of the warrior. How to be a warrior. In traditional Japanese culture you have lots of examples. Way of the tea, Way of flowers, Way of the sword... I can understand the meaning, but I realize that I often fall from this path from lack of sight on my part.

Truth was a much easier word for me. I'm good at truth. Truth is what is real. Truth doesn't change. Truth is absolute. That's a comforting support for me. Truth is the foundation. In this world where it's difficult to understand the things around you, a world covered with lies and deceit, Truth is very comforting for me. I find that this is often the only thing I have to cling to. I doubt many things, but when I find Truth, I never want to let go.

Life was the hardest. Life, means to live right? But what does that mean? Life. We all have that right? But not really. This is where things began to "click" for me. Going way back to the beginning of the post, were I was laughing because I am not a person with joy, what I was really laughing about was that I was not a person with Life. I live, but I am not often alive. I harden my heart to protect it. I put up walls, and I counter compliments with sarcasm. So often I feel dead inside. I think a lot of that is habits gained from years of clinical depression. It's how I protected myself.

But Jesus is The Life. What does that mean? Recently I have been searching for The Way to improve my relationship with Jesus. Learn how to love. To understand what it means to be one with Christ. The feelings and emotions that can't be found in Truth alone. That is Life. The Bible tells us over and over again that God wishes to give us the Fullness of Life. He doesn't want us to live as empty shells, huddling in a war zone of emotional scars. He wants to give us Life. Now.

I realized that this has been building up for a while in my life. This theme keeps coming back. Several months ago, when I was thinking about Fukushima, my friend sent me a blessing. Apparently I kept invading her thoughts when she was trying to pray and have her "God time." She is a wonderful friend who I have often envied for the Life that she shows and the love that she gives. So she send me the blessing so that she could have her uninterrupted time with God back. (hehe, see I'm annoying even when in a different country!!)

The blessing was about choosing Life. Since I was in the middle of trying to choose to stay or to go to Fukushima, I thought the blessing must relate to that decision somehow. But it didn't really fit, and I couldn't figure out what it was trying to tell me. Eventually, I put it out of my mind.

But then, after the Life revelations from above, the blessing came back to me. I read it again, and that was it! That was the answer to the question. (the first question of what truth was I not practicing) I was not choosing Life. I am living in the darkness of my enclosed heart, yearning for the outside, but unable or unwilling to make the effort to get there. And I suddenly realized that I desired Life. I desired to be life giving. I would like to be a good wife someday. I want to be the kind of wife that gives life to her husband. I would like to be a Christian woman who gives life to the people around her. Now I spend most of my time protecting my own space and my own heart. I'm too busy thinking about me to give to others. I judge them when they don't reach my standards and I often resent the people who do have life.

But I want Life. I want fulfilment. I want to be the person I was created to be. I want to embrace Joy in my Life. I want to become the person that the missionary told me about. Bells, whistles, joy and dancing. I want that.

this story is getting long huh. Haha. I can't make anything short. :-D

So that night I decided that I wanted Life. My goal was to become a life giver. The kind of person who could give water to a desert heart and help a flower grow. That's the woman I want to become. So I began a 3 day fast for that purpose. To begin the process of submission and learning that would allow me to become a woman of Life. (how wonderful to be a woman, the bringer and bearer of Life!)

Those 3 days were filled with many confrontations of my ugly nature. My judgementalness, my bitterness, my greed, my lust, my desire for worldly posessions, and the desire to run back to the darkness. I don't often feel hungry when I fast (I have plenty of reserves!) but I do want to eat. I think about food all the time. But it's not so hard to keep doing it. But I was tired this time. I got easily irritated with my students. I ended up with a terrible headache that I thought was going to cause me to throw up (I had one that made me throw up the week before, so I was kinda afraid of it, but since I hadn't had any food that day, it would have been difficult to throw anything up. But I never knew you could be so nauseated without eating anything!) But I stayed with it until the end. All during an insanely busy week when I am trying to prepare for Mako's birthday with everything else going on. I was tired, and wondering how I was going to make it through the end of the equally long and busy weekend. After midnight I ate some of the food that my mom had sent me that week. Velveeta shells and cheese is probably not a good way to end a fast, but I don't worry so much if it's only been three days. ;-) I went to bed happy to have ended the fast and hoping to have enough energy for the next day.

Saturday I had a BSF fellowship event, I needed to go get the cake for Mako's birthday (I had been asked to choose the cake! Baskin Robbins ice cream cake was the final decision!), and then it was a Live event where we would also celebrate Mako's birthday. Sunday I knew I would teach Bible study for the first time in a long time and then go to the celebration dinner in the evening. And then work on Monday. No time to really relax and let down.

But I woke up Saturday with anticipation and energy. Completely different from Friday. I prayed for Mako and the day before me. I prayed for life and joy. And the day was amazing! I had a good fellowship meeting, the cake didn't melt. The Birthday presents were finished and gathered. There was a girl with her two children there, a 1 year old and a 1 month old. I got to tickle and bounce around the 1 year old, and I was able to hold and cuddle the 1 month old. New life. And we all gathered to celebrate the life of Mako. It was beyond what anyone had expected. You could feel the joy in the room. It was full of life. I felt like it was my birthday I was so happy!



I woke up the next day still smiling. And the joy has continued. I went to the celebration dinner, which in previous years I would have dreaded and been stressed by, and I laughed with my good friends until I cried. And then I did it again. (there was the small matter of me being amazingly rude to the poor man who tried to get to know me, I'll have to apologize for that.) God had already began the transformation.

How quickly He pours out His blessings! These past two Days of Life have been wonderful for me. I can only pray that I can learn from them, and keep the lessons close to my heart. This is the woman I want to become. I want to laugh freely, so that the tears running down my face water the desert hearts around me, so that they too can also smile. I know there will be many ups and downs before me. But I hope I don't loose the way too often.

And in the end, isn't it amazing how the two questions answered each other?

What TRUTH has been revealed to you that you are not PUTTING INTO PRACTICE (WAY)?

and the answer is LIFE.

The Way, The Truth and The Life.

All who come through Me will reach the Father.

Time to move forward and truly Live my Life.

If you love me...

Check it out! I'm on a blogging roll! Well, I just go in spurts. Here's to a year's long "spurt!"

Anyway. So yeah. I have to admit it. I watch anime. I don't watch it as much as I used to. I actually run out of time for things like watching TV or anime. But sometimes I get the chance to watch it. Over the winter break I watched some anime. Good times.

Most of the time anime is kinda shallow and silly. But sometimes, it can really strike a chord with me.

So recently I've noticed a theme in a lot of love stories in anime. Two people will be together. Then something will happen that casts one of them in doubt. The other person invariably struggles with this new information. What will happen to the relationship? What seems to make it worse is that the person being accused often doesn't even defend themselves. They just allow the other person to assume things. This of course creates all kinds of tension. But then in the end, when the accused person is found indeed innocent, the other always asks, "why didn't you tell me?" then the reply is always along the lines of, "well, I just kinda thought you would believe in me without it..."

That's a humbling thought. What is love? I'm not experienced in this subject. I might even classify myself as "love impaired." (I can hear Pamela sighing from here. hehe) But I want to learn what it means to love. Sometimes I learn from watching others. Sometimes I learn from fiction. But this fiction is echoed so often in Jesus' life.

So many times, over and over, Jesus turns to someone close to him, and I can only imagine the hurt in his eyes as he says, "I thought you would believe in me... Where is your love? Where is your trust?"

ouch.

If you truly love, you will trust. If you truly love a person, and know his character, no matter what anyone else says or accuses, no matter the external circumstances, you will believe in and trust in that person. That is true love. Unshakable faith.

How often we fall short! Heck, I'm not even close!

But the good news is that in the end, all is forgiven, and the doubter is given a new chance, and the relationship has become just a little stronger.

Love is pretty amazing. Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing as strong as love.

Awesome. :-)

Back to work.

Today was the first day back to school. Despite being cold, half awake and having a headache left over from yesterday, I still remembered to take my camera to school today. Good thing too, because it was a beautiful clear morning and I could see Mt. Fuji from the bus windows. So here are a couple of bus window pictures! :-D

There were of course no classes today. Just an opening ceremony and then some cleaning. Then kids do club activities and teachers have some meetings.

Here's a little taste of a Japanese opening ceremony. (yeah, there are ceremonies for everything in Japan. They love them.)


Here the kids are all gathered and waiting for the official ceremony to begin. They are lined up according to class and are separated into alternating lines of boys and girls. Of course they have to wear their uniforms for the opening ceremony. (other times they are generally allowed to change into their jerseys, which are of course, all the same.) We had the ceremony in the gym. It was pretty cold. I could see my breath the whole ceremony! I felt sorry for the kids! I was wearing at least 3 layers plus my fuzzy fleece.



The vice principal starts the ceremony with the opening remarks, which roughly translated was, "The opening ceremony for the third trimester of the 2009-2010 school year has now begun." Simple, and to the point. Love it.




The kids are of course enthralled by the speech. (actually they do a pretty good job of sitting quietly. much better than in class.)




Next comes the school song, all three verses. Yeah, they are just as excited as American Jr. High kids here when it comes to singing the wonderful school song. On a side note, the accompanist is always a student!




Finally we get to sit down and listen to the speeches. *fun* and *cold*. Can't beat that! This is what I woke up at 5AM and traveled an hour for. Better than sitting at my desk though. Well, I did a lot of that too today.

After this was some cleaning of the school. In Japan students clean the school themselves. Well, kinda. They often play around instead.

Then the teachers had a lunch meeting, welcoming us back. It was fun and interesting. Then all the other teachers went to meetings and I sat at my desk playing with my new electronic dictionary. Eventually the teachers come back, and do whatever it is that teachers do to get ready for a new semester. I just sit at my desk.

Oh yeah. I did get a Christmas present from the school. They passed these out at the party that I couldn't go to. Here's my present! What is it???

Hello Kitty ear plugs of course! Just what I wanted! Standard equipment for any Jr. High teacher. Now I can use them in class when the kids get too loud. j/k

But actually the case is really cute, so I might find a use for that. :-D

The Beautiful Letdown

I can hardly believe that it's been two months since I have last written here. It feels so much longer, yet short. I think I'm living in a time warp right now. Haha.

So much has happened, yet not so much has changed.

I'm sitting here on my second to last day of winter break with my first major migraine of the new year.

It's been a good break. Time to get back in touch with people and catch up on communications. Unfortunately the cleaning didn't happen. We still have tomorrow. Maybe we'll be able to re-arrange the living room to a more comfortable place.

So here's a nutshell update. I'm not moving to Fukushima. I joined a group called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and I'm going to try to grow here, and learn to hear God's voice in the circumstances and communities He has graciously given me here. I guess I got a kind of wake up call, that I shouldn't just take the easy way out and that I really need to maintain the things I have here, at least for a while longer. So. That's the plan for now.

I've felt a lot of peace since coming to that conclusion. The future still seems foggy and difficult to see and understand, but I no longer feel like I'm going to be pulled under by hidden currents.

Even though I feel peace about the Fukushima choice, life still has a way of wearing me down. I'm tired a lot, even though I'm not really doing so much, or getting anywhere. There's a nice phrase in one of the songs I listen to that describes it well. It's like "swimming in a sea of peanut butter." You spend a whole lot of effort and don't get very far. Good news is that it's easy to float in peanut butter. ;-)

Today I was able to talk to one of my good friends for a while. It's really good to have friends like that, who support you and can lift you up. I wish it was easier to stay connected. But today we were supposed to be cleaning our house. But I ended up with a headache. After my conversation with my friend, I ended up having to go to bed to try to sleep it off. I'm sitting in the middle of winter, wrapped up in lots of blankets to stay warm, with an ice pack on my neck to help with the headache. The ice packs seem to be the only thing that does any good with these headaches. But really, hot water bottles at my feet and ice packs on my neck? Does this seem insane to anyone else? haha.

After a few hours of abandoning my poor roommate, I come out with my head feeling a little better, but moving and light quickly makes it worse again. :-( It's easy to get discouraged, and wonder, is this all I really have to look forward to? Pain that sends me to bed and keeps me from doing the things I want to do, the things I need to do? It's somewhat depressing. There's also a lot of discouraging news lately. Marriages in trouble, financial problems, things ending... But there's hope too. Other friends getting married, babies on the way, new starts. I guess it balances out.

But a lot of times I feel like a spectator watching other people's lives go by.

so I was thinking about all these things tonight, while waiting for my wonderful roommate to cook our dinner. (Chicken and veggie soup, wonderful!) I put on my music and this song came up.

The Beautiful Letdown by switchfoot.

It was a beautiful letdown,
when I crashed and burned
when I found myself alone
unknown and hurt
it was a beautiful letdown
the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do

in a world full of bitter pain, and bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in,
fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here, I don't belong
I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross and song
where I don't belong
I don't belong

it was a beautiful letdown
When you found me here
yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
that's what I'll forever be
and though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
in the rising sun
in our dark water planet still spinning
in a direction no one wins
no one's won

see, I don't belong here, I don't belong
well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross with a song
where I don't belong
I don't belong here, I don't belong
no I don't belong here, I don't belong
I'm gonna set side and set sail
for the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
won't you let me down?
my foolish pride forever let me down

ah, easy living, you're not much like the name
easy dying, you look just about the same
would you please take me off your list
easy living, please come on and let me down

we are a beautiful letdown
painfully uncool,
the church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
what a beautiful letdown
are we salt in the wound
hey let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here, I don't belong
it feels like I don't belong here
it goes like I don't belong here
I don't belong, I don't belong
won't you let me down, I don't belong
c'mon and let me down, I don't belong
you always let me down, I don't belong
so glad that I'm let down, I don't belong
c'mon and let me down, I don't belong
'cause I don't belong here
won't you let me down

This song does a good job of expressing the things I'm feeling right now. I think a lot of my discontent lately has been because I've been trying to find my identity. Who am I? What am I doing here? What am I supposed to be doing? But in my search, I try to find my identity in my job, or other people or outside circumstances. But those always leave me frustrated. I was able to meet one of my good friends during the break, and she is famous for her "sermons." She wasn't even actually "sermonizing" at me, but she said something that just cleared up so much for me. She said that we have to find our identity in God. When we search in other places, we will be frustrated. But if we have a firm identity in God, then our circumstances don't matter. I want that. I'm tired of being lost and looking in the wrong places trying to figure out who I am.

So just like the song, I've realized once again that I don't belong here. It's so easy for me to understand this. I'm a foreigner. I don't belong here. But I know now that it doesn't matter where I go, I will never belong here. Because this is not my home. The things of this world can't make me happy. They can't fulfill me. No matter how long I search or how much my circumstances change. I will never be satisfied. That is the beautiful letdown. I will never be perfect. I will never stop disappointing those around me. There will never be the final "click" that makes everything right. Not here anyway.

I don't belong here. But for now, I do belong here. And that's the grace. I can continue swimming in this sea of peanut butter, in this world where I don't belong. But it's not forever. There is always hope. This world is not forever. This world will end. And I will finally be where I belong. And now somehow the peanut butter doesn't seem so bad. :-D

I love Jr High

Sometimes my job can be frustrating. Often it is amazingly boring. But even so, I find that I really like my job lately.

I'm finally figuring out a bit of the balance between discipline and loving the students. I've been able to start developing relationships with some of the students, and it's so great to watch kids who weren't doing anything before, suddenly working hard and doing their best. I want to be a teacher who makes kids feel loved. Who inspires them to be better than they were before. Personally, I don't care if my students ever learn English. But I want them to learn how to be better people. The only way I have to reach them is by teaching them English.

I've been very encouraged these past few weeks with kids who are suddenly working harder than before. Kids who are trying and pushing themselves. I love my kids.

There are several problem kids in our school. Kids that no one really knows what to do with. And there are the "weird" kids too. (the weird kids seem to like me! Go figure.) I want to reach out to them. I want them to know they are loved. I want to love them and encourage them. On days like this, I hate the thought of moving, because I want to stay with these kids a bit longer. If I leave who will take care of these kids in my place? Who will praise them, and tell them that they have worth in this world? My heart is torn.

Today the number one problem student in the first years gave me a calendar he designed. He doesn't do anything in class. He can't get along well with the other students. But recently, I've been praising him every time I see him. I ask him if he'll try to do something in class. He hasn't done anything yet, but the ice seems to be melting. But he likes computers. He designed a graphic and then made it into a calendar. He's been making them for some of his teachers. I was happy when he offered me one today.

I feel so powerless sometimes. All I can do is ask for God to watch over these children.

It goes to show that I can find purpose even when I'm not working in a church. When I was in college I wanted to do Jr. High ministry. Looks like I've found my Jr. High ministry. Nothing what I envisioned it to be, but, it's still so important.

I like kids.

In other random news, I forgot to write the other day that Sensei has stopped smoking! He had given up smoking for one week for the praise service. And on that day, he decided to give up smoking for good. He's so awesome! Once he decides something, he really goes all out. I really respect people who can put so much into stuff.

Anyway... I'm tired. I've had a cold this week. I need to shower and go to bed. But I felt like writing first. That's all. Time to stop rambling.

Still waiting for an answer about Fukushima. But not nearly as stressed anymore.

Processing

I received another comment today on one of my posts. I'm always a bit surprised when I find that people have found my blog and are reading it. I was even more shocked today to discover that I have 7 followers (and only two of them are people I know in person! This is also not counting the people I know read the blog, but who aren't listed at followers.) I guess this means I should update a bit more often. :-)

So recently lot's of things have been happening. (this is a long processing, and I'm starting at the beginning here...) After I finished my job as a missionary, I found a company and started working as an ALT. At that time, it was very important for me to stay here where I had already built up relationships and friendships. As I started working in the secular company, I found that I felt isolated and lonely. I went to work, commuted long hours and came home to an empty house. The only thing that kept me going was seeing the band on Saturday nights. But even that had started to feel a bit hollow.

Slowly I came to the realization that I was stagnating here. I had no purpose, no ministry. I'm originally a lazy person, so when I don't have a program or a ministry to be responsible for, I slack off easily. The band wasn't enough to support me. I also needed to be connected with a Christian community. I still had contacts with former co-workers, but because I didn't have money for transportation, I was rarely able to meet them. The lack of money and community began to take its toll on me.

Then I got the suggestion that I move to Fukushima to live with a former co-worker and do ministry there. I could work as an ALT while she worked at the church. I had been offered chances to move before to Niigata, but I had never felt it was right, so I always refused. This time, I surprised myself by saying I would go.

Circumstances changed a bit, leading to me getting a roommate, and then it being said that a different co-worker would also move to Fukushima. I started to loose my certainty about going. I started worrying about it, and praying about it. (more worrying than praying I confess.) I was torn. Suddenly, I didn't want to leave all the things I had built here. I didn't want to leave the band, I didn't want to leave my students. I didn't want to leave my roommate. But at the same time, I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted new air, fresh adventure and change.

So now the deadline for me to decide one way or another is quickly approaching. This has increased my anxiety quite a bit. Last week I was praying about it. Wed, on the way to work, I suddenly felt an urge to fast. I was a bit surprised, because I had already eaten breakfast. I was wondering "is this really ok?" But the urge didn't go away, so I told the school I wouldn't need lunch that day. (they are getting used to me not eating sometimes now.) So I prayed and journaled, and still wasn't finding any answers.

On my way home, I started listening to my MP3 player. I have some Christian songs, and lots of band songs on the player. The song that came on is one of the band's new songs called "Smile." Part of the chorus is a repetition of "Why don't you smile for me?" in English. As this song was playing, I could feel God speaking to me. Why wasn't I smiling for him? Why did I worry so much? Of course my worry didn't please him. God desires my love and praise. He doesn't need me to figure things out or to have all the answers. He wants my love.

I was humbled, and suddenly felt released from my fast to eat dinner. (Shortest fast ever I tell you.) So somehow I felt a bit more peace, even though I didn't have any more answers.

Last week I had told Sing that I was 99% certain that I was moving to Fukushima. He was a bit shocked. Some other people are also starting to move on with their lives. I told him he's a bit like Peter Pan ruling Neverland. Lost Children come and can live and be loved, but eventually they grow up and leave Neverland. You can only be a Lost Boy for so long.

Yesterday we had a really long conversation about it. I had to tell Sing about what had happened Wed. I really didn't want to, because Sing has been telling me to smile for years, and I hate it when he does. His motivation is totally different. I resist Sing's message so much, because it's hollow and empty. But Sing was of course slightly triumphant when I told him that God used his song to give me a message. He went a bit too far, saying that it was his message and not God's, but I think he knew what I meant.

But then he started asking me a lot of really good questions. Why was I going to Fukushima? I told him I wanted to get stronger. Why can't I do that here? Because I'm lazy and too tied up with things like the band. He kept having so many questions, but it all came back to, why did I have to go away to get stronger? Why couldn't I stay? He told me he needed me. I argued of course that he doesn't need me, there are plenty of people there for him. But he was insistent. In the end, he said that he needed to make me happy, and then maybe I wouldn't go.

Now you have to understand a little about my relationship with Sing. A few years back, I fell in love with the guy. But he was in love with a friend of mine. I gave up on that love. It was a painful time. But he never left my heart. Over the years, I found that I still loved him, but I was no longer in love with him. (I'm instead in love with a different band member, but also probably not a good thing.) I have spent so much time praying and fasting and praying for Sing to become Christian. I tried talking to him about it at first, but found that I couldn't. We argue instead of discussing things. I couldn't understand where he was coming from, and he couldn't understand where I was coming from. We merely frustrated each other. So we eventually talked less and less. Lately, we barely said anything to each other at all. There were new fans to take care of, and I had been around long enough that it wasn't really necessary to talk anymore I guess. But still, I felt very far away from him. I began to wonder what it was I was doing here...

Now suddenly, I tell him I'm leaving, and he tells me things like he needs me and he'll try to make me happy. A couple of years ago, that would have made me very happy. Now... I know they aren't true. They are hollow words. He can't make me happy, no matter what he does. He doesn't understand that happiness is not my goal. I want to be fulfilled. I want to find joy. I can only find those things in God. He can never give them to me.

It was a rather emotional talk, but today I find that I have more peace than ever about Fukushima. Leave it to Sing to argue for me to stay and actually push me closer to going.

I'm still not at 100%, but I think I'm at 99.5 now. I do need to answer the question if I'm running away, or if it's time for me to go. But the more I think about it, the more I can't see myself here next year. I don't want to leave Sing, but maybe it's important that I do. I can't do anything for him. He can't do anything for me. But Fukushima will help me grow and mature as a Christian. (and hopefully get over the one-sided love with the other band member, who fortunately for me hasn't been coming lately...)

I have been in Japan 5 years, and March will mark the end of 5 years in Omiya. It's been a good 5 years. But it might be time for me to move on.

For the first time, I'm daring to hope and be filled with excitement about the prospect of moving.

I want to become a more beautiful bride of Christ.

Son of David, have mercy on me. Hear my prayers. Guide my feet, and fill me with your love.
Amen.

Praise service

Today we had a special praise service at church. There have been attempts at it in the past, but things never seemed to fall together. But now we have "Sensei." Yang Sensei has been very quick in getting "Sensei" involved in things at church since he was baptized in April. He's been helping in the Sunday School, doing Children's messages once a month and doing a bit of performing after church sometimes. Today he was the worship leader for a praise service. Did I mention he was only baptized in April? God is good.

It was wonderful to see him lead worship. It was not what American's would picture as a praise service. It was more meditative, more Taize style, and just a little bit traditional Japanese thrown in. It was beautiful.

The Japanese was simple, so I could understand almost all of the songs. For the most part, it was very easy to follow.

I feel so blessed to watch Sensei grow like this.

I pray that God will continue to bless Sensei, and strengthen him, that he may also bear fruit someday.

Foreigners in a Foreign land

Usually I'm pretty easy going. I don't stress too easily. I don't often get hit with culture shock. I get along well in Japan. It's a good life. But sometimes, I get reminders that I'm an outsider, and will be for a long time yet...

Before, when I worked in the church English School, I was basically the only teacher. I did just about everything myself. Which meant I wasn't often bored. I was in control. That's always fun. :-D

Now I work in a public school. I live this rather odd half existence there. Half the time, I'm not sure why they bother to pay for someone like me. I rarely have anything to do. I'm not a full teacher, so I don't have teacher responsibilities. But I'm not a part time worker either, so I need to show up when the other teachers show up. I understand some Japanese, but not enough to know all that's going on around me. And of course, everyone is busy. It's not really practical to expect them to translate everything for me. When the teachers actually have time and are not stressed out and running around, they have fun casual conversations. They joke around with each other and tell each other stories. I can rarely join in. I am a staff member, but not really.
Even the students pick up on this. They like me for the most part, but they don't respect me as much as they do the "real" teachers. (although, I suspect that I get more respect than most ALT's because I actually attempt discipline.)

Like I said. Usually this doesn't bother me. But today it kinda made me sad. It feels... lonely.

I am living here, but I don't know if I will ever be fully accepted here, no matter how long I live here or how fluent I become. I love Japan, and that makes me sad.

But I can't just go back home either. I'm not the same person I was before. I have grown, changed my perspective. I don't fit in at home either. I don't see things the same as before. There is a gap in experience between me and my peers. I no longer fit.

I'm a funny shaped peg without a hole.

Well, that's not really new for me. I'm used to not fitting in and being different. Sometimes I embrace that. Sometimes I mourn it. (I'm guessing you can figure out which one I'm doing today.)

But it reminds me once again of a thought that I have often. This is a good reminder of what it means to be Christian. When we become Christian, we leave our old country behind and enter into a new and glorious Kingdom. We gain a new citizenship. But we can't enter it fully yet. We are waiting in our old country with our new passport and certificates, and we don't know when we can go in. But now we don't fully belong.

Sometimes we can hold a duel citizenship. Some countries let you do that. Some don't. But it's never the same. There are choices you have to make. The cultures don't match. You have to choose which to follow. The culture where you are? The culture where you are going?

We are stuck in a land of red tape, trying to live our lives here until our new ones begin.

There was a bigger, grander point to all of this when I started writing, but I've lost it. There's meaning somewhere burired in all this rumination.

But I guess for now, I'm left with a more real experience of what it means to be "in the world, but not of it." I wonder if Jesus felt like this too, living in this sinful world, in but not of it. Always present, but never really fully accepted. If so, then I can rejoice a bit, knowing that Jesus mourns with me, and I have a shared experience with my Lord.

The fresh breath after the storm

Today a typhoon hit Japan. It said in the news that this was something like the first typhoon to directly hit the mainland since 2007. I don't know so much about typhoons. We hear about them every year, but I guess the don't often hit directly. From this far inland, I can't tell much of a difference from when they hit and when they don't. There's lots of wind and rain in both cases.

Anyway, today the school was worried about canceling classes. They were talking about it yesterday, and we were supposed to wait for phone calls in the morning telling us if there was school or not. Problem is that they make the decision at 6:30. I leave my house at 6. :-( So I have to get up and get ready and get most of the way to the bus before they let me know if I have to go or not. Fun.

They called me, and said that school was canceled for the students, but the teachers needed to come in. So I kept walking to the bus stop (30 mins in the rain, in not so comfortable shoes, but the only ones I have that are sufficiently rain proof. I really need some rain shoes.) I get on the bus, and right before the bus takes off, I get an e-mail from my company, telling me that I don't have to go to school. I e-mail back and said that the school told me to come in. Bus starts, and I don't really have much chance to make a decision. I'm on my way to school.

First part of the walk, the long one, didn't get me too wet. There's good sidewalk in my area. But near the school, there are almost no sidewalks. The rain started to fall harder. Fortunately I had thought ahead and brought a skirt to change into, and spare socks. I had planned on getting wet. What I forgot was that the on the road to school, it's very easy to get splashed by passing cars. And there are lots of big trucks on that road. Yeah, I got splashed. Less than a 10 min walk, and I get way more wet than the first walk. Now what I didn't think to bring was a change of underwear. Yeah, I got soaked that much. Great start to my day!

Go to school, change clothes, laugh with some of the teachers about it. I like days when the kids aren't there because the teachers are really relaxed and we can usually eat together and I can talk more with them. It's a nice atmosphere. But when the kids aren't there, I have absolutely NOTHING to do. I brought a book. Been at school less than an hour when my company calls the school and tells them that I don't have to work. (seems to me that it would be common sense. the other part time teachers hadn't been called in. I live freaking far away, and I have to commute either by bus or train. Trains don't run in typhoons.) So they tell me I can go home. After all that. Time to go back out. Fun.

Problem being that my next bus didn't come for an hour and the wind was blowing really hard (rain had stopped though.) I wanted to ride my bike back to the station so I could save money and have it to ride in the morning(I had left the bike at the school the day before because of the rain.) So I decided to see if the wind would die down. I waited about an hour. The time for the bus came, but the wind was still pretty strong. The schedule I had said there would be other bus during the 10 o'clock hour, so I decided to wait a little longer. When I decided that the wind was just not going to get any better any time soon, I decided to walk/ride the bike. I left my wet clothes at work, changed into the better shoes for walking now that the rain stopped, and went out.

Turns out it wasn't so bad riding the bike in the wind. The wind was warm (morning was cold.) so that was nice. Going out, I notice tree branches and leaves littered everywhere from the wind. I actually like wind. Reminds me a bit of Texas, minus the dust. Made it in time to grab breakfast from McDonalds before getting to the bus stop. Only to find the schedule had changed and there was no longer a bus during the 10 o'clock hour. The bus really does run at the most inconvenient times for me. :-( Next bus? 11:35. I have an hour and a half. That's a long wait, so I decide to try the trains.

Get on the trains, which are all delayed or canceled because of the winds. I can actually get home using trains in either direction, so after some deliberation, I decide to take whichever train shows up first. It goes one stop, and then... stops. No trains are moving again. I wait for about half and hour and decide that it would just be better to go back to the bus stop and take the bus. Buses can operate in the wind. Trains don't like wind.

So I exit, (paying for a completely useless train ride.) and walk back to the bus stop, about 30 mins. I make it in time. But now there is a huge line. I'm not kidding. It was long. Everyone else wanted to ride the bus too, since the trains weren't' running. I wondered if we could all fit. Somehow we packed onto the bus. Quite the adventure.

Get back around 12:30ish I guess. I get a little something to eat and drink and head home. Almost 2. 8 hours later, very tired, poorer and accomplished nothing. Yes, adventures in commuting. But walking outside wasn't so bad after the rain stopped. It became a nice day actually. I took a nap.

Anyway, the main point wasn't to tell you about my day, as fascinating as that was (please insert dripping sarcasm here.) I had a nice little analogy that I thought of while coming home and seeing the after effects of the storm.

The whole week leading up to the typhoon (which happens to be the week of my birthday) was rain. I hate rain. It's troublesome and depressing. And I just don't have the right shoes for commuting in the rain. (I didn't commute so much before, so it hadn't been this big of a problem for me yet.) It's oppressive.

The typhoon comes in, stirs things up. Brings more rain, and then wind. But the wind begins to blow the rain away. After the rain, the sun comes out and the air is fresh. I love the air after a typhoon. It's so clear. The wind is refreshing to me, clearing out my soul. You can see the debris of the storm. Branches and garbage littered about. There will need to be some clean up, but it's easy to see where. Dead branches have been ripped off trees. Weak things torn off. It just feels like a new start.

It feels to me like how God moves through our lives. We get caught up in the dreariness of living in our rainy hearts. The air is humid and oppressive. Skies are cloudy everyday. Not hard rain, just persistent rain. Bringing our spirits down.

Then God brings His Spirit moving among us. Things get a little hectic for a little while, but that's what happen when you have something as powerful as God moving around you. But when it's over, the air is cleared. You can breathe again. You have some cleaning up to do. No one stands before God without realizing the need for "clean-up." But God has done some of the work for you, stripping of dead branches, pruning things that aren't were they belong, or overreaching themselves. Sometimes taking healthy parts too. Now all we have to do is pick up the pieces. Not as hard as pruning ourselves. But there is hope in the air now. Hope left from God's Spirit. The darkness has been chased away. Light shines again. And I smile as the wind frees my spirits.

I am tired and sore from today's adventures in commuting. But when I look back on it, it's not such a bad day after all. My spirit is just a little fresher, my breathing just a little clearer. It's good typhoons don't come everyday. But I do like the air after a typhoon.

Today wasn't a bad day at all. Praise God.

snapshots of my week

I took my camera to school last week and the week before to help some students with a speech contest. (two of the three girls placed and get to go to another speech contest next week!)

I decided to take some pictures to put up here. I have trouble putting up multiple pictures for some reasons, so please just bear with me. Enjoy!

School life

Some pictures from my school.

Starting with the entrance. Teachers and 3 year students go directly to the second floor. The rest of the students use the first floor.

When you enter the school, you have to take off your outdoor shoes and put on indoor shoes.



There's not so much difference. But that's what you do. In my school, all the kids have the same shoes as part of their uniforms. The shoes are white sneakers, but with color coded accents. The colors are red, blue and green, but I've forgotten which colors go with which years.

There is also a locker area for the teachers. We get doors on our lockers. The one picture is my locker with my name on it.

And then there is a picture of the sinks that are everywhere. I don't know why, but they are everywhere. You can wash your hands, get a drink, etc.

a hitchiker and the way home

Here are some pictures of my trip home. First we have sunset from the school entrance.

Next a couple of shots of my bus stop. It's more often dark than not recently. But now I can ride the train home at nights, which get's me home faster. Costs a bit more, but I like saving time too. Makes me less stressed. (and less bored waiting an hour for the silly bus.)

I ride a bike from my school to the train station (where I can catch either a train or the bus). One day I found a hitchhiker! (and I ride the bike for about 20 mins! I'm just impressed!) So cute!

Bibles and manga

I mentioned in the previous post that the Gideon's had come to my school recently. It was fun. I was greeted by some first year students asking me if I was a Christian. I told them yes, and they showed me a Bible they had just received. They weren't quite sure if they were allowed to keep it or if it was a bit too suspicious. I told them it wasn't suspicious, but if they didn't want the Bible I would take it and find it a home. One kid gave me a Bible, and one kid who didn't get one was like, "I want it." I spread word around that I would take any unwanted Bibles. Then one of the kids asked me "Who is Matthew?" I said "Jesus' student." "Who is Jesus?" What a wonderful opportunity! During the morning meeting the Principle made an annoucement about the Bibles. The schools are not allowed to promote religion (yet they were reading about Mother Teresa?) but since the Bibles were handed out before the kids entered school property, they were allowed to keep them (just not read them in class.) I told the teachers too that I would take any Bibles that weren't wanted. I ended up with a nice stack on my desk. I like the Japanese style of Bibles. It feels nice in your hands. One of the teachers seems a bit shocked that I wanted the Bibles. She was like "you will get so many! There will be hundreds!" Turns out, I only got 40 something Bibles. That's pretty good considering there's about 900 students in my school! I gave them away to some missionaries who were happy to get them. It was fun.

The other pictures is of this cool new Manga Messiah book series. They are telling the Bible stories in Manga form. This has been done before I know, but this time they did a good job! It looks professional and nice! It's quite believable. It's wonderful. Comes in English and Japanese. This is one of my Japanese versions of the old Testament. (a new one just came out this month. I can't wait to get that one too!)

books

This is a picture of the English textbooks we use at my school. Actually, I think all the schools in the city use the same books, but don't quote me on that.


Notice that they are thin and paperback. Not what I remember from jr high. But this is basically what all the textbooks look like. Some are a little more thick. But these are actually given to the students and you don't reuse them like we do with textbooks in the states.

The open page is a reading section for the second years. It's about Mother Teresa. I found that interesting. (same week the Gideon's came to our school handing out Bibles.)

swirling within the confines of a page...

still on the same page

what do I do?

how do I draw

closer to you?

still on the same page

unable to turn

away from myself

my lessons unlearned

still on the same page

still so far

because my goal

is where you are

still on the same page

what do I do?

how do I draw

my heart to you?

I was looking in my prayer journal today. I don't do well at keeping up with it. I usually write when I'm inspired or distressed, more frequently the latter. But I noticed that the last time I wrote was almost exactly one month ago. I was searching for God.

Today I went to write. And I realized that I had nothing new to say. All the things I was worrying about in my heart, have already been written, many times in the poor little journal. Today was just another repeat of the same litany. And I realized. I haven't left the page yet. A month has passed. My external circumstances have changed. I thought that was what I needed. But my internal circumstances haven't changed at all. I haven't moved forward in the slightest.

I'm ashamed of this. My shame continues to build. My own heart condemns me. And the cycle repeats, adding to my feelings of shame. If I allow myself to be distracted, I can pretend to have a functional heart, but it's only a farce.

I want to break free. I want to escape the cycle. I want to turn the page. I want God's hand to rescue me. So often I feel like my cries fall on unresponsive ears. But after the shame and frustration, I have to remind myself, that God is good. If He is unresponsive, then that is for the best. I should trust Him, even when I don't understand. But the feelings don't change. And the page doesn't turn.

I feel lost in a room of maps. There are so many maps to show me where to go, and how to get there. But not one of them tells me where I am. I can't use the maps if I don't know where I am.

So here I am again. Struggling against the confines of a single page... praying... waiting... crying... hoping... and trying, trying ever so hard, to trust...

Still on the same page...

What do I do?