~~years ago...

Four score minus some years ago (even if I was awake enough to do math, I'm not sure what a four score is...) I was born into this world. Apparently on the day more Americans are born on than any other. (this is sad...)

I've reached the age where I don't like to think about age. When I was younger, I thought women who did that were stupid. Now I'm one of them. Sad.

Today was a rainy day, which is my least favorite kind of day. But other than that things went well. Many of my students remembered my birthday, and a surprising number of them kids. I have lots of erasers now, some stickers (love stickers) and some notepads of my favorite character. I even ended up with two calendars of the same design from two different people. I also got a English/Japanese praise CD with a song book with Chords included. Way nice. And some of my students drew pictures for me.

Here's a super cute version of me! I look much younger when drawn like this! 6th graders are awesome.


It's nice to be celebrated.

I hope this year is better than the last one!

Oh, and the great thing about living in Japan is: I live in the future. This means I can start celebrating on the 5th here, because it's the 5th, but my actual birthday isn't until the 5th in America, so I can keep celebrating an extra day! So awesome. :-D

Praying from the Scriptures...

Well, it's Monday night here in Japan, and that means one thing:

time for another after community night reflected blog.


Tonight our topic was praying from Scriptures. We have already gone though the Apostolic prayers, so this week was more reflective, asking what our favorite or meaningful passages to pray from Scripture was.

At first I was a bit stumped. I haven't prayed Scripture in a long time. So nothing came to mind.

But then I opened an old Bible I haven't used in a long time, and pages and pages of highlighted verses jumped out at me, reminding me of where I have been, and what I have prayed before.

And I realized again, how very little I change.

I'm still praying about the same things it feels like.


When I was younger, I struggled with clinical depression. I had childhood depression as well. So I fear much of my life has been lived in a cloud of negative thought patterns, keeping me chained and isolated in my own little personal bubble.

It's a hard habit to break even when I am not currently depressed.

During that time in my life, Psalm 13 was a staple for me. I prayed it often, with great feeling, grateful that I was not alone in my darkness. There was someone else who had gone through it all before, and still managed to praise God.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

When I was younger, I struggled to figure out who my enemies were. I assumed at the time that I was my own enemy, allowing my thoughts to destroy myself from the inside out. Now I know better. My enemy is unseen, but ever so real. My enemy attacks me often, and would definately rejoice if I fell. Yes, I know who my enemy is now. It makes more sense.

And that enemy is the one who keeps attacking me to the point where I am back in the same place, crying the same tears, praying the same prayers, and receiving the same comfort to continue. So much has changed, yet so very little.


The other Psalm that I chose to share with the community tonight was Psalm 25. Psalm 25:4 was my Confirmation verse when I was in the 7th grade. I'm grateful for the childlike faith I had then, and how it has kept me grounded all these years. Even now, I pray and yearn for the guidance of God...

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not be let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember no the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD?
He will instruct him in the way chose for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant know to them.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look up on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me knot be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

I love the lifting up of the soul, the pleading for guidance and truth, the freedom from shame and the prayers for rescue.

How much I have forgotten! How often I have relied on my own rightness and my own prayers! Yet there were such treasures and so many more waiting for me!

Yes, I have neglected the Word of God recently.

And this might be why I have no strength lately.

So it should be a good goal for the beginning of a new year: Find and pray my heart in more and more Scripture.

Amen

7 years ago.

7 years ago at this time, I was on an airplane, drawing ever closer and closer to my new home. It was exciting.

In the seat to my left sat/slept the girl who would share 2 1/2 years of experience with me. To my right was an old man who liked to talk (to me) and who apparently thought the girl next to me was my daughter. (I'm not THAT much older than she is!) It was an "interesting" plane ride.

Thus began 7 years of being a foreigner. I've ridden on trains, eaten raw fish (and enjoyed it), bathed with strangers (and friends, which might be more awkward...), said stupid things in bad Japanese, actually managed to communicate in Japanese, made friends, had epiphanies, been amazed by the culture, and been frustrated by the culture, missed out on important events in my friends and families lives, seen a baptism of a man I knew, sang karaoke, learned to play the guitar, broken my foot, broken and mended my heart countless times, fallen in love and struggled to grow closer to God. I've learned how to teach English, learned about Jr. High Schools and Elementary schools, been told I look like a doll who knows how many times, forgotten how to say things in English, and have seen and done many more things.

I've done more in 7 years than some people do in their lifetimes.

I am blessed.


I am thankful for my time in Japan. And no matter how much I may be frustrated, I always remember, I'm living in Japan. And somehow this makes my frustration a little less.

I am fortunate.

So, here's Glory to the God that made it all possible. 7 years in the land I love.

Thank you Father.

How does something the cat dragged in honor God?

Sometimes you just feel like something the cat dragged in.

I've felt like this for at least a month I'm sure.

It wears down on you. Just the little things, the daily living, piling up on you. And an abundance of small annoyances, each one insignificant, yet there are so many of them.

So I get frustrated, and I complain. I allow myself to be affected, and they slowly taint me. I've become sluggish, easily distracted, sleep deprived, and forced to go the long way all the time.

It hasn't broken my back yet, but I'm feeling the weight of straw...



(don't worry, not EVERYTHING is bad. There are good things that keep me sane enough. Probably. The sanity that is, not the good things.)




In my Bible Studies, we are reading about the Flood and Noah. This week we read about how when Noah came out of the ark, he then took some of all of the clean animals (aka food) and built and offer and gave them to God. And the "aroma" of his offering was so pleasing to God, right then God promised to never destroy the earth and all mankind again, even though He knew what their hearts would become like again...

Seriously, Noah is amazing. Not only did he spend how many ever years of his life building a huge boat in a hostile environment (and I'm assuming he would also have to do other work that allowed him to continue his daily living at the same time.) he then spent a whole year on a boat with just his wife and kids and a whole lot of animals. This means he has to take care of all these said animals. He watched the water go down, and then he had to wait until the land was able to support life again.

How many "little" annoyances were piling up on him? How much sleep did he loose?

But in the end, after the first taste of freedom, the first thing he does is...
honor God.

What would be the first thing you do after being cooped up in a boat for a year? I'm thinking most people would not even think to kill some of the precious food animals and burn them completely up to honor the God who caused it all. Granted "most" people also died because they didn't do things like that in the first place.

This means Noah must have had a habit of honoring God.

Wow. That's really impressive.

As I was walking home tonight, tired after a long week, still carrying around a load of straw on my back, and feeling irritated at my response to it all, it struck me how little I honor God.

My complaints do not honor God. My just get through the week attitude does not honor God. My thoughts and inclinations of my heart do not honor God.

Yeah, I cried a little as I was walking home.

From the frustration of failing, from the knowledge of my position...

and mostly from this deep sense of loneliness and hopelessness that threatened to crush me. And the question: How DO I honor God in this mess? How am I supposed to honor God when I'm tired and twarted over and over again? What should I be doing when I'm lonely and my heart is aching?

Can you hear the great sigh I just let out?

The problem is there is no pat answer. Different people honor God differently. He created us like that. Even if I did everything that Noah did, it's not the same, because I am not Noah. I must honor God in my own way.

I just wish I knew what that was.



I suppose the first step is to stop thinking "oh woe is me" all the time. A little perspective tells me that my problems are not as bad as they seem when I'm tired, walking home at midnight on crutches. It could be worse. So many, many people have it worse than me. And yet I have the arrogance to complain about it.

Yeah, that was another sigh.


I don't have answers to these questions yet, but I'm asking the questions. And looking, even if it's only a little, for the answers. And that might be part of the answer itself.

But I do kinda wish I knew what Noah did when he was frustrated.....

Answers to earnest prayers and pondering the meaning of Hope

So last week I had a breakthrough. Well, more like a sudden fall into a clear space. (see previous post if you are confused.) Either way, it was a good thing. And suddenly I found myself able to pray, REALLY pray for the first time in what seems like ages.

Earnest prayers. I had forgotten what it felt like to pray with passion and conviction from my heart.

Such a blessing.

I prayed the prayer from the last post everyday last week, sometimes more than once a day.

And this week, God answered with some pavement. I prayed for Him to clear the way so that I could meet those I cared about again, and so He did.

I got an e-mail yesterday letting me know that this Saturday the band would come back.

God is awesome.


So just that much information has changed my whole outlook on my week. Before Saturday was a day to remember things that no longer were, a day to wait, and another week gone by. Now Saturday brings joy to my heart, and gives me something to look forward to. Suddenly my week doesn't seem as drab, as routine as before.

So much difference that one piece of information makes.


And it got me thinking. About faith, hope, peace, etc.

What does it all mean?

When I started praying again, I felt a wonderful peace that I hadn't felt for a while. I finally was able to pour out my heart to God, not in fear, but in love. And that brought peace to my heart. But what it didn't bring was hope.
I was able to think about all the possibilities, accept that God may not open the doors for me to see them again, think about what life would be like if that was the outcome... and though I didn't have joy or hope, I had peace. I had God. And He was listening to me. The God Who Hears.
Then my prayer was answered, at least in part.

Suddenly there is joy. Contentment and a feeling of being close to God because He has heard my prayers. And suddenly I'm looking forward eagerly. This is not just another week. There is something at the end of this week! Waiting for me on Saturday. I can already feel the difference in myself, the joy I have while going though this week.

This drastic change made me wonder about things a bit.

Was I not being completely faithful the week before, when I doubted that God would answer my prayers the way I wanted? Or was I just waiting? It's hard to tell.

But I didn't have Hope at that time? But what is Hope? My joy came after I was promised something. When I knew what to look forward to, I had sudden and tangible joy. Is the act of looking forward then Hope? Or is Hope something different?

I know several people who struggle with the meaning of Hope. What are we Hoping for? How does that change our lives? What is True Hope that does not disappoint?

I'm sure my idea of Hope will continue to change and grow as I gain more experience but for now...

I Hope to have the Fullness of Life, both now and in the True Life to come.

And I Hope to find Heaven with no holes, no missing faces, no pieces of my heart absent.

And if I really and truly have Faith in that Hope, this means I should be Loving more people, and giving more pieces of my heart away, so that my Joy in Heaven can be even greater.

Father, strengthen my heart, so I may be blameless and Holy before you on the Day of our Lord Jesus Christ. Father consider me worthy of the Calling You have given me, and do not allow me to be lacking in any spiritual gift, wisdom, knowledge and most especially love. Increase my love to overflowing proportions. Provide what is lacking in my faith, so that I may produce fruit in the work you have given to me. And open my heart to understand how deep and how wide, how long and how high Your Love is. Thank You Father for all You are and all You have given. Your Glory is so great, and yet You would share it with one such as me. Thank You. I can never love You enough. You are my Only Hope. Amen.

Left hangning or just hanging around?

I visited a group of friends this summer in Fukushima. Friends is actually too shallow a word. These are people who are more that co-workers, more than fellow soldiers, more than sisters. We have prayed, worshiped, laughed, cried, ranted, fought, made up, bared our hurts and our fears, and shared our hopes together for many years now. We are connected by the bond of shared experiences and living together in a sometimes hostile spiritual environment. We support, strengthen, wound and pray for each other. I have no appropriate word for what these women mean to me.

While we were sharing with each other, I was explaining what my spiritual life felt like right now.

The image I had was me, connected to a life line - a good strong life line, securely attached to the line - but nothing else. And here I am hanging in this dense fog. I don't know what's around me. I don't know if there is a wall or a building near by. I have no idea how far off the ground I am. I just know that I can feel myself being blown around by the winds of circumstance, by fear, misinformation, whatever. Sometimes I'm just spinning uncontrollably. And I know I'm connected to the life line. But everything else just seems so out of control.

Fast forward.

Tonight was community night in our house. My roommate has been teaching us about the Apostolic prayers. Tonight we read 1 Thessalonians 3:9-13.

⁹ How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? ¹⁰ Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.

¹¹ Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you. ¹² May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. ¹³ May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

Suddenly, reading this the fog cleared for a moment, and I realized I've been hovering above the solid rock for who knows how long. It's not the life line I need to cling to... It's the Rock.

Ok, I know you might be confused at this point. Why is this prayer so profound, sweeping away my fog and confusion? Well, without the context of my fog it's difficult to understand.

If you've been reading long enough, you know that there is this band. Not just any band, a band I love. It's a street band that I met 6 years ago. And I firmly believe that one of my callings/responsibilities is for this band and the people who gather around it.

For half a year now the band has been taking a break from it's weekly performances. There has been a drop in the number of fans recently, and so they thought they would spend some time trying to improve their music. At first they were thinking about one month off and then come back. But that has gradually lengthened to a full 6 months.

There are many dynamics involved between the three members, but this weekend I started getting the feeling that maybe they wouldn't be coming back.

And I panicked. Begin crazy swinging/spinning on my life line.

In my fear, I thought of how much time and prayer and love I have put into these people. I thought of how much I want them in my life, how much I want to see them. And I came to the conclusion that I must not be enough. I'm not enough to keep them here. I'm not enough to call them back. I'm not enough to teach them about God.

That's all. There's nothing more I can do. Maybe all this time was really wasted. Maybe I didn't love the right way. I didn't use my time well enough. I didn't pray enough. I allowed myself to become too distracted and focused too much on myself. And I lost them.

I cried out to God, "teach me how to pray. What can I do for these people I love? You love them right? I know you must! What is Your will for them? What will become of this treasure that I love so much?"

And so in the midst of all this spinning and swinging and praying and crying... God answered.

⁹ How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you?

<sup>Oh yeah. That's right. These are the people who gave me joy in the presence of God. Have I been thankful for them lately? Nope, too afraid of loosing them to be thankful. Just stop a moment, Amber, and Remember. Remember the joy. Remember the presence of God. And be Thankful, not fearful.

10</sup> Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.

Hey, I've been praying all kinds of things, questions, second guessing God, blaming myself, feeling miserable. I totally forgot to pray for the chance to see them again. And more than that, a chance to supply what is lacking in their faith. Maybe I haven't done a great job to this point, but there is still so much to give them. This is a good prayer....

¹¹ Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you.

Yes, rather than relying on my own scheming, my Father should be the one to clear the way for me to come to them. I suddenly feel a little less motion sick. Hey, my spinning is starting to slow down!

¹² May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.

<sup>I remember how I fell in love with their love for each other. When was the last time I marveled in their love? Have I EVER prayed for their love to increase, overflow? How wonderful that would be! Hey look! That looks suspiciously like the ground below me!

13</sup> May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

Of course. This is it. This is my true purpose, right? I want them to be blameless and holy before God. I want to share my eternity with these people. When was the last time I prayed for their hearts? When was the last time I desired their salvation?

*bump*

I think I just landed hard on the Rock. I think that's gonna leave a bruise. But bruises will help me to Remember. And a bruise is nothing compared to the hole in heaven where the people I love might not be.

Ah. It's good to be on the Rock.

And now it's time for me to get on my knees... (well, I would if I didn't have a broken foot...)


I've missed my Rock. God is gracious.

I feel like maybe my heart has done just a little bit of healing tonight. And at least the motion sickness has stopped for now.

I'd rather have a healed heart...

I've been reading some of my comments lately, and I noticed how many people were concerned about my foot. Actually, most people I meet tell me they hope I get better soon. Most people look at me and say "oh, that looks like it hurts!"

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate people's concern. I have said similar things before myself. It's an easy, genuine thing to say. And I don't doubt that people mean it.

But sometimes...


I feel like it's a symptom of how people can only see the surface. Isn't it sad? How little we know about the people who are around us. How little we can see their circumstances and understand what their lives are like. It makes me sad. It makes me feel very very lonely.

(disclaimer! I am currently under the influence of what I have started calling PMSC - per-menstrual spiritual crisis. It happens monthly I promise. Just ask my poor roommates. That being said, if I am overly negative, my PMSC is 90% to blame... If I'm inspiring on the other hand, that's all me. :-D J/K)

This weekend has been filled with highs and lows, laughter and tears (the tears weren't mine, they were a 1 year old's, but that doesn't mean I haven't felt like crying...) The extremes highlighting the hollowness of my stone heart.

And it dawned on me. I'm happy when people hope my foot get's better soon...

but

I'd rather have a healed heart.


My foot is external. I can function with it the way it is. It might be inconvenient, but life goes on. There are much worse disabilities out there. A whole, healthy body is wonderful, but I'd rather have a whole, healthy heart.

A heart that lives, truly lives. A heart secure in Truth. A heart that can reject lies. A heart that seeks and loves God above all the external things that try to distract it. A heart willing to love and bleed for others. A heart not wrapped in the stones of selfishness.


Is that being unthankful?

Maybe just hormonal?


But right now, that's the cry of my heart.

I wonder if it will ever be whole on this side of heaven...



My God is the God of Miracles and Love, and the God of my heart.

So this is my hope for now. And maybe someday I'll know what real Hope looks like.

Encouragement while left hanging...

I've been waiting a lot lately. These past two days I've been waiting for this "really strong" typhoon to hit. Everyday the weather forecast is predicting non-stop rain. And the next day comes... little to no rain. I made it to work and home both Thurs and Friday with no rain. I even went out to meet a friend today and no rain.

Then again, I'm happy when my fears don't come to pass. (in case you don't know... I hate rain!)

But it's strange to brace yourself for something, and then just be left hanging...


But in the midst of all this hanging around I've been doing, God has been encouraging and helping me.

For one, I now get the "crutches" effect. People offer to carry things for me, I always get seats on the train now, and random old ladies like to smile at me. I'm getting rather spoiled.

Actually, it's a little embarrassing. I'm used to doing things for myself and trying to not cause problems for others, so it feels like I'm just being this large pain for everyone....

But at the same time it's nice to be spoiled. :-D

One of my recent spoilings was when the grandmother of one of my students decided she was going to drive me home after work on Friday. I was worried a while about the student in question, he's young, just starting school, and seemed to have some trouble expressing himself and just seemed upset a lot. His grandmother seems a little off at times, but I think it's just how she expresses herself. She likes to bring me gifts lately.

On the way home we had a long conversation. During that conversation, God gave me one of those affirmations you always want to hear. It's so easy to get caught up in the idea that your job is meaningless. I mean really, how do you change people's lives with English class? And it's easy to get discouraged. But this woman told me about how much her grandson loves my class, and instead of crying and saying he doesn't want to go, he's telling her to hurry so they won't be late. He's still awkward and has trouble expressing himself, but he has a place where he can be encouraged. And his grandmother is so thankful that he has that place.

It's really good to be told that you have impacted someone's life and that your work matters.

So encouraging.



Today I got to meet with the wife of one of the band members. It was really nice to be able to sit and talk with her and get to know her. She brought me gifts from her honeymoon trip to Turkey, and she gave me pictures of the other band members in their suits from when they went to her wedding. (I've always wanted to see them in suits! So great!) I had a lot of fun getting to know her.

But it reminded me that the band's future is still uncertain. The three members are still not all on the same page, and I'm sure this leads to a lot of frustration. They have been "on break" for 6 months now.

I'm still left hanging....


It's easy for me to get frustrated myself when I can't see an end in sight. I need landmarks, or short goals or anything to encourage myself and let myself know there has been progress. I've heard it might be a characteristic of ADD... Even when I'm walking home, the walk is so long, if I don't look ahead and find the next landmark, it's hard for me to continue. I'm always searching for that next mark...

So it's frustrating to feel like you are hanging in place.

I often have to remind myself that God works like this as well. God makes promises, and then waits lifetimes to fulfill them. Sometimes generations. Ages even. But God always keeps His promises.

So I have to calm my anxiety, enjoy the encouragement and wait eagerly for the next "landmark."

I hope I have enough oil in my lamp....

Goodbye Summer... Hello... Typhoon???

Summer has drawn to a close.

It was a good summer.

I've stayed busy since returning from America. I went to the doctor, and he said I could use the boot we bought in America. I have to go back every 2-3 weeks to get X-rays, but other than that there isn't much in the way of treatment. Just lots and lots of waiting. He said if it doesn't heal at the end of 6 months, then we'll have to do surgery. I'm hoping for the non-surgery option.

Right after returning to Japan I went to visit some friends of mine in Fukushima. Yeah, the place with all the radiation. I have 4 friends who live in the area, so there was a gathering there this summer. It was a wonderful time of prayer, fellowship, the sharing of sufferings, learning how we have all changed and where we are now. It was a wonderful time with the exception of the fact that Fukushima is kinda countryside... And the thing that is easy to forget about the countryside until you get there is... there is a serious lack of western style toilets! Now normally I can just grin and bear it. But this time I have a broken foot. Let me tell you, broken feet and squatty potties don't mix well together. The church we were staying at of course also had no western toilet. Two days with no western toilet was... lets just say interesting. I'm thankful to have friends who aren't embarrassed to help me out trying to find a way to use a squatty potty with a broken foot. We did finally figure out a way that worked, involving a folding chair and interesting contortions. Going to the bathroom made me really tired...

Came back to my home on Saturday and then went to see the Band's Live. It was really good, and it was nice to see old faces.

I've been blessed to have so many different "homes."

Then it was a few days of rest at home before I made my first trek to work for a make-up class. The commute is much longer, but it's do-able. I might just be really tired for the next 5 months...

After that was Church Camp part 2- The Revenge. I broke my foot at the children's camp. The Adult camp was in the same place! So I got to go back for a second try. This time I managed to not break anything. Adult camp was nice with lots of music. I got to hang out with some guitar players, and that was fun. Maybe someday I can improve my guitar playing...

This past week was some resting, shopping for things like new futon and a new fan, some community time at our house, doing some fireworks in the park, and I even finally started cleaning at the disaster area that I call my room. (My door can shut now!)

And today is the first day back to work officially!

I'm hoping with having to walk to work everyday I'll be able to loose some of this weight I've packed on recently. If the temps stay low, then it might be possible. If only the humidity would go down!

But back to work is also the start of Typhoon season. It's been a rainy summer here, which does not go well with a walking boot made primarily of felt! I've had to make myself a rain cover for my boot (which already needs to be re-made...) and I can't use an umbrella, so all I have is a poncho to wear while I walk to work. Fortunately I didn't have to walk to work in the rain today, but a typhoon is coming, so I'll have to walk home in it and come to work tomorrow in it. This reminds me of the ever pressing need for good rain shoes that can be walked in...

But it's good to see September. I feel like I've been waiting in an extended Advent and it feels like September is the beginning of...... Not sure what, but something. So I'm eagerly awaiting the next phase of God's plan... Hoping there's more than typhoons waiting.

:-D

Back in Japan

I have made it back to Japan. It took me 22 hours from my parent's house to my house. My wonderful roommate helped me lots, we ate, and then I crashed and slept for about 22 hours I think. My roommate kindly moved the table from the living room so I could sleep in the only room in the apartment with AC.

I'm being spoiled rotten. :-D

Today I need to go to the doctor and have him look at my foot so I can find out what treatment and such will look like. Then I'm going to need to figure out how much money I have left after all the traveling I've done, and then figure out what the rest of my summer looks like.

While it's good to be back in Japan, I'm not happy about the high temps and the HUMIDITY. Oh how I hate humidity, esp when I don't have a car or central AC. I miss sleeping in a bed, and not being the largest person around. It was easy to be in America. Now I have to work a little harder again.

I'm going to have to work on building up my stamina, because it takes a lot more energy to get around with my foot, and add the heat/humidity to that and the fact that I have to walk everywhere... I'll have to do my best to not get dehydrated.

But it's good being back in Japan. One of my friends happened to be at the train station when I came in, so she met me and my roommate when I got in on the bus from the airport. It's nice to come back to people waiting for you.

I'm home again.

The Refreshment Window

Tonight is my last night in Texas. In about 4 hours, I will start my journey back to Japan. And I don't know when I will be back again.

Previous times I have returned to America, I have always had a divided heart. I was happy to be back in my hometown, with my family and familiar things, but I had always felt torn away from the place I loved, Japan. I always went back to Japan with great joy and anticipation.

This time has been different. This time I have accepted that Japan is my home. Before, I guess I was always afraid, and I didn't want to leave it, even for a little bit. But now, it's ok to leave for a while.

This time I was blessed with a chance to rest. Rest my body, thanks to a broken foot. Rest my mind. Rest my heart. It's been good.

The time with my family has been refreshing. My niece and nephew loved me unconditionally. I saw family members I haven't seen in years. I visited my home church and was encouraged and supported by familiar faces who knew me since I was a child, and by faces who where new, and had only heard of this Amber person who lived and worked in Japan.

I have been blessed.

And I find myself thinking, it might be nice if I could stay a little longer...

But I know it's time to go back, face the humidity and lack of convenient transportation. Go to the doctor and check on my foot. And eventually, get back into the thick of things.

But I am so thankful for this time of refreshment that I have been given.

It's good to feel... peaceful.


Next stop, Japan.

When a door is shut, God opens a window...

Saturday, I woke up, feeling as if somehow I was cursed. It was the day before I was to go to America. I woke up with a headache. As I attempted to get up off my futon, I found there is just no good way to get up off the floor when you have a foot you are not supposed to put weight on. I managed to get up, but not without hurting myself a bit.

I spent the majority of the day on the couch in the living room, with my roommates getting me food and other things I needed. I slept on and off through the day, trying to get rid of my headache. And the whole time I'm thinking... "Maybe God just doesn't want me to go to America..." And then I would think... "Or maybe Satan doesn't..." So stubbornly I decided to pursue my goal to the end.

By about 9 in the evening, my head started feeling good enough for me to start moving around. My ever considerate roommates helped me get my suitcases out, and helped with packing and such.
A friend offered to drive me to the airport. I was a little nervous about this friend's navigation abilities, but since I needed to get there with as little movement as possible, I decided to take him up on the offer.

Finally I was packed and ready to go. I decided to sleep on the couch, since getting up off the floor was too difficult and a bit risky. Only our couch isn't so comfortable to sleep on. I ended up with about 4 and a half hours of sleep until my ride came to pick me up.

I had moved the meeting time ahead to 7:30, because I was worried he would get lost. I was right. He finally made it to our apartment at around 8:15. I thought the hard part was done, I mean how hard is it to find a famous airport, right???

Wrong.

A two hour drive somehow turned into a 5 hour drive. I'm sitting in the car, wondering again, "Does God want me going to America?" But always inside, there was a voice insisting that I carry my plan through to the end. So I told my friend not to worry, keep going.

We finally arrived at the airport 30 mins after my original flight departed.

I went to the check in agent, who was very nice, and immediately put me on standby for the next flight to Dallas. Which happened to be the last of the day. My friend waited with me, carrying my bags (since I was on crutches, I can't carry my own bags.) I felt bad that he took his only day off to take me to the airport and then wait with me. We came back after some shopping and eating to find the agent running to meet us. She wore a triumphant smile. "We got you on!"

We checked my bag, and they brought a wheel chair to take me to the gate. And before I know it, I'm relaxing in first class. :-D

The flight was good. The weather was good, so I think it was a bit shorter than normal. I watched a movie, (Thor) while eating a HUGE dinner. I was so full after. Then I tried sleeping. I had to keep waking up to take my pain meds and to move my feet around. Elevating them too much, is bad, but keeping them down is also bad. I had some cramping in my calves and knee, but it got better after the pain meds. I did manage to get both legs rather painfully swollen.

I was met at the gate with another wheelchair who took me through Dallas security, helped me get my bag, took me to check in, and then watched my bags while I went to the bathroom, and even loaned me his iPhone so I could call home and check in. The employees were Amazingly nice.

I had about 5 hours at Dallas, waiting for the last flight to Midland. All the other flights of the day had been canceled, so there was worry that I wouldn't be able to board. (a non-revenue standby has least priority) But that was ok, since I had been prepared to wait at Narita for at least a day to get a flight, if I missed this one, I would find somewhere to stay in Dallas and fly out the next day. The important thing was I was in Texas!

When it was finally time for the Midland flight to be boarded, the standby list appeared on the screen. I was number 12 of 14. Wow. I was pretty confident I would not be getting on the flight. But it didn't stress me out. I just waited.

To my surprise, I got on the flight! Somehow I managed to get seats on TWO overbooked flights, with exactly the right seat for me. The flight attendants where kind and courteous and took good care of me. I had wheelchairs take me from the plane all the way to my brother's car.

And I sit back and look at all the adventure and think: Wow. My friend said right before we parted in Tokyo, "It's a miracle."

I think I have to agree.

I followed through, even when everything looked to be against me. I fought to the end, and then God provided for me in a big way. Everything was taken care of perfectly.

I am blessed. When God opens windows, he opens them wide.

After I write this, I will probably go back to bed for a while, and then sometime today I think we are going to go search for a walking boot for my foot. I hope to convince my doctor in Japan that I don't need a cast. (I'm prone to leg swelling, so I think a cast would be bad.)

It's good to see Texas skies, and to see my family after such a long time.

It's good to come back to my roots.

And it's good to have opportunties to have my misfortunes turn to blessings.

God is good to me.



Which reminds me. I guess earlier, even before I hurt my foot, I was asking God... "What exactly are you promising me?" I wanted to know what my promise was. If God promised me something, then I could wait and believe. But there are so many things that are not promised. There is no spoken promise that I will get married. There is no spoken promise that I will remain in Japan. There is no spoken promise for a lot of things. And it's hard to know what I should be doing sometimes. The line between what I want and what God wants to Give is hard to read. So I started praying and asking, "What is Your promise to me?" And the small whisper I heard was "I will always be with you."

Well, it's a good promise, and Biblical. Not exactly what I was looking for, but how can you complain with a promise like that. So when I broke my foot, I clung to that promise. When I am packing late night after a headache, I clung to the promise, when I walked into the airport late, not certain if I would be able to even continue to be on standby after I miss a flight, I clung to the promise. God was with me. If I didn't get on a plane, God was with me. If I got on a plane, God was with me. No matter what, God was with me.

And so He was.

It's a good promise to have.

I'm thinking windows might be better than doors sometimes. ;-)