of the end of a long day.

So today marks the start of my second week of teaching (keeping track of time is rather odd when I started teaching on a Friday...). I am beginning to get a feel for some of the classes now, and I can recognize most of the faces. I am still not so good with names, but hopefully that will get better.

Today, I had some good classes, (the Bible Study went especially well, but went long and I had a student waiting for me) and some not so good classes. I wouldn`t say any of the classes are failures, but they were certainly lacking in my mind. I have one class I have been having difficulty teaching, and I`m not sure if it was just the lesson or me, or what. But hopefully I will find a way to reach that class.

I notice that I have already begun falling into bad habits and I hope to remedy that. I don`t want to start off on a bad foot. I pray that God will be with me through this process of learning to teach English. But it is definitely rewarding when I see a kid smiling because she understands something, or because he had a good time in English class. And I know all days can`t be like that, but still...

Yeah, I don`t really know what I am trying to say here. I have been very ADD lately, even though I have been taking my meds. I think the real problem is that even though I talk about wanting to put God first in my personal life, I don`t. I need to put actions behind my words. Please pray that I am able to focus first on God, then on others, and finally on me. I want to be a good servant, but it is hard if I don`t listen and obey God first.

I must admit this is quite a struggle for me. I always allow myself to become distracted by daydreams or things I want, or things I like instead of taking the time to focus on God. I know this is the Devil`s tatic, but it is still hard to fight. I am so weak in this area. It makes me feel like a fraud. Like I am spending all my time, hoping no one else finds out how pathetic I really am.

Overall, I am happy with teaching. I just need to keep an eye out to avoid pitfalls, and work more on lesson plans and preparations.

A thought just occurred to me. Maybe I need to be ministered to. I am thinking of seeing if there are any English worship services in the area this weekend...

Anywho, I guess that`s enough for today.

of teaching..

So today was a good day (despite last minute lesson plans). Actually, I excel at last minute lesson plans. LOL. But I am actually developing quite a good system of planning my lessons. I hope it works out. (I plan on planning the next weeks lesson after the end of the current week`s lesson, so I have what we just covered fresh in my mind and what I want to review, reinforce, and continue still in my mind as well.)

I also came up with some good ideas to experiment with my kids classes. They are all good kids, but some classes are more difficult to control than others. Funny thing is, the classes with the brighter students are often the ones that are difficult to control. Then there are the classes that are just difficult to communicate to. Well, hopefully though more trial and less error, I will find a good solution.

I also have some working ideas on how I want to re-arrange my classroom. Hopefully things work out. Anywho, so far I am still excited about teaching, but then again, it`s only my second first day (two more first day`s to go!). I`ve also found that the classes that have more adult males in them are far more interested in learning about Texas than other classes. (and I really enjoy teaching about Texas!) I taught one class today about the joy`s of rodeo! Hehehe. It`s fun to teach things like that. :-D

On the down side of things, today was cold and I forgot to eat.

of wasting time.

Today I should have spent preparing for classes tomorrow. Instead I goofed off all day. Well, I still have to prepare, but that will be done as soon as I finish wasting time writing this. Silly me. The problem is that part of my wasting of time involved reading other people`s blogs, so now I feel compelled to write on my own. Oddly, I am rather surprised that I have written on this blog as often as I have.

Yesterday was a good day too. It was yet another beautiful day and Tami (a former missionary and member of this church) wanted to go to the park and see the cherry blossoms so she, Mika and I went to the park again. I think it is more fun when you go with people. It`s also nice how they have accepted me and invite me to do things with them. Hopefully we will continue to have good working relationships.

But in order to continue the possibility of good working relationships, I need to get busy and do some lesson planning. My second round of "first days" is coming tomorrow, and I should be prepared. I hope this whole teaching thing works out.

On a random note, I have been brainstorming on one of my novels lately. I think I almost have a good plot worked out. I need to flesh out the bad guys a bit. I need to find good motives etc. I suppose I should also start character development for the bad guys. Maybe I should dig up that old GURPs info and write up some character sheets. That is definitely one good thing I got out of role playing, the formula to write up hard data on your character. Good idea there. The hard part about writing a novel is you have you know what you are writing about. That means I need to do a bit of research on nuclear war, bio-warfare, etc. I also need to find some info about helicopters. Maybe I should read up on mecha as well. I find I have attempted to write a character-driven story in a world I have little actual knowledge of. Yeah, I also had this problem writing a space, future, fantasy novel. Guess I just need to wake up early and call Dek for brainstorming ideas. I also need to talk to Em about teaching stuff, so I can kill two birds with one call. But I won`t have good long distance until May (and then international phone calls will be roughly 2 cents a min! great deal!)

And finally, other random thought. I have been reading a lot of blogs from xanga lately (lots of people from old CUA blog there).　　I like catching up on people I used to know, but since I blog here, they don`t read my stuff. I am a big fan of this blog space, so I think I`ll keep it, but I do wish I was part of that community more. Oh well. Most of the people probably don`t remember me, nor really care to read my thoughts. (with the exception of Patrick) Also I haven`t heard from my friend Raven for a while. (peers about, you there dearie?) I don`t have access to a lot of info right now since I can`t use my laptop to connect to the internet. If you are out there dearie, me loves you. Last I heard you were back home with your mom. Don`t make me worries about you.

Ok, I think that is enough procrastinating for now. I really need to write some lesson plans. Bye bye.

of new beginnings.

Well, I suppose I have finally subcumbed to reality. Now, don`t take that the wrong way. It`s a good thing. I am now much happier about my move and new home. I think part of my problem could have been my inability to visualize my future. I think I would have had the same feelings no matter which church I went to. (It certainly wasn`t this church, this is a very nice church.)

So anyway, after a few initial bumps, things have been going rather smoothly. Yesterday was my first day of teaching. Things went well. I have a few things to learn (probably trial and error) about teaching kids on a daily basis, but I am sure I will be able to get through it without too much trauma involved. I am looking forward to many of my adult classes.　　We manage to have some interesting conversation and they are all very friendly. Yesterday`s final class even decided to bring a coffee pot and brew coffee in the classroom! That class was especially interested in hearing about Texas, and of course, I am more than happy to oblige them! ;-)

Today was a good day. I slept in, and then I took a stroll to a large park nearby to hanami (look at the cherry blossoms). It was a good day. I have been waiting for the sakura for a long time and to finally see it out in full bloom was amazing. Tons of people were there too. There were food booths and even some game booths. It was like a festival. I took lots of pictures, and as soon as I get internet in my house (Mayish) I will put up some pictures. Actually, I suppose I should just put up more pictures as a rule. It would make it more interesting I suppose.

Another fun fact of the day is that I was able to wear a shirt that I have never bee able to wear before because it was too tight. It`s still a bit tight, but I felt it was acceptable to wear today. It`s really cute, I like it. It was also warm enough today for me to go mostly sleeveless. (yes, strange way to phrase it, but the shirt has butterfly sleeves, so it is pretty close to sleeveless.)

Randomly, I saw more foreigners than I thought I would. I expected less this far out of Tokyo. Not that it`s important. Just not expected.

Also, I am getting really excited about potential ministry here. I have been allowed to create a new monthly event for kids. We already have a monthly event for adults called Coffee House, and sometimes kids come, but I get to create an event called Gingerbread House for the kids now. Hooray! I am espically happy because this gives me a chance to start exposing these kids to Jesus. Before this there was little exposure happening because they were only here to learn English. I also get to start a weekly story time. I will read a book in English then another teacher will translate. We might sing some songs etc. It will be a good time. I was thinking about this today, and I am going to put up feelers after a while and see what people think about doing the same idea, only in a public place, like the park (on good weather days that is). I think this would be a great way to get the community aware that there is an English school here.　　Yeah, I have tons of ideas. But I suppose I shouldn`t bore people here with them.

Anywho, the summary is: Today I am happy.

of moving.

Today is moving day.

I don't know when I will be able to update again as I don't know when I will have internet services in my new home.

On a personal note (as this is my blog, I suppose it's all personal notes), this is all surreal. Strange.

Ok, I am going to actually get busy now. Today will be a long day. Tomorrow I will wake up in my new home. Yeah, no matter how many times I say it, it is still strange. Ok, enough reflecting. Back to packing and cleaning.

of dawning realizations

He is Risen! He is Risen indeed. Hallelujah!

Today I went to Easter Service at my new Church. It was good. After church was a "Hello, Good bye" Party for me and the leaving volunteer. It was also good.

Today, on the way home, in between thinking of all the packing and cleaning I have yet to do, it dawned on me. This was the last time I would be walking down that road to return "home." "Home" will be different tomorrow than it is today. Tomorrow I will go through the process of learning a new area again. Life will change.

How strange it is. I can still hardly believe that I am in Japan. Things have just started sinking in, but now I will become a responsible person with a job and all that jazz.

Well, I'm certain that I had started writing this with some profound thought in mind, but alas, it is not apparent in what I have written. Actually, my mind is not really well organized at the moment, so I suppose this could reflect the randomness of my thoughts. I guess it's just all too much to process.

Life is good. I love Japan. I hate moving. The end.

of guessing games.

Anonymous Strikes Again! (Everyone run for your lives!) :-D

Ok, so here it is, the official "Guess Who Anonymous Is" post. I've already eliminated a few people from the list of canidates. I can speculate that you are not Dek, Mel or Patrick (well, Patrick's still Iffy, but he swears he is not you, so for now I'll take him at his word. I know you aren't Mel or Dek because you complained that I didn't call you and those would be the two I called.) So, here in begins the game of 20 Questions!

1. Are you male?

2. Have I ever met you in Real Life?

3. Do I know your name?

(questions 4-20 shall be asked after the first three have been answered...)

of looserness.

I've come to this conclusion before, but I continually re-affirm it. I'm a looser. There's just no other way around it. My life can be going great, but I always screw it up.

There is nothing really major that I am complaining about, just the little things that add up. Of course, I don't feel good today, so I guess that brings me down too. But on days like this, all I do is see my loud, blaring, big, honkin faults. It stinks. And then, rather than try to fix things, I push away these thoughts and feelings and try to loose myself in something meaningless.

I think the biggest problem is that I know it's a problem, and yet, I am not changing myself or preventing these actions (or in most cases inactions.)

The good news is, this leaves me rather dependent on God for everything. The bad news is, that sort of thinking allows me to rationalize my sins. Yes, quite the condrum.

I know God loves me (and several people as well, though I can't imagine why), but right now, I don't really like myself all that much.

of parties, phone calls and late nights.

So today (ok, technically yesterday, but I still consider it today since I haven't gone to sleep yet) I went to a party at the church here. It was an "Aloha Party" for the leaving volunteer and the new one taking his place. It was a fun time. I got to wear my new dress I bought in Hawaii, and I won a pineapple. I really enjoyed it. (the food was good too)

Then I came home and decided I hadn't called any of my friends in the States in a while. So I made two phone calls (each over an hour). It is good to catch up with the people I can't see. While talking with my good buddy Dek, I was reminded that I hadn't updated my website in a while, so I did that while I was on the phone with him. Maybe I will get adventurous and actually work a bit harder to make it look nice. Come to think of it, I need to start work on the English Page soon too. Guess I need to start rounding up information from the volunteers in the program. But that's neither here nor there.

What is relevant (at least to me) is that it is after 3 AM and I have church tomorrow. So I should probably sleep soon. (Unfortunately, I get on productive kicks at the most inconvenient times...)

of a regular update.

Can it be called a regular update when I don't regularly update? Eh, who knows, and more importantly, who cares?

So anyhow. Yeah, I have one week of Orientation remaining. Or rather, one week of Japanese classes remaining. I think Orientation doesn't officially end until the end of the month. Anyway, this means that teaching is coming up fast. Wow, it means I have to grow up now and become a functioning adult. Weird.

And on other notes... KARAOKE ROCKS!!!! I got to spend about three hours last night hanging out and doing the Karaoke thang. It was great! I am such a fan.

And I now have a working digital camera and I am excited about that too. Maybe soon I can start posting pictures and stuff.

And final random thought of the day. I'm not sure anyone actually reads my blog, but yet, I still feel like I have a responsibility to update it. Strange.

of persecuted Christians, Kimono's, and good food.

Wow. So today has been so LONG!!! Our Japanese class had a field trip today to visit a museum of persecuted Christians in Japan. So this caused us to be on a train at 8:30 this morning. I just got home right before 11:00 PM tonight. Craziness.

Anywho. It's been a really good day despite how long it was. So here comes the synopsis. Enjoy. :-D

So, we get to the place we were meeting (a good two hours after we get on the first train). We were a little late, but it turns out everyone was late (except for the person we were waiting for). Anyway, we meet this cute little old man who tells us all about this museum (and rants about how Japan is declining and young people need to learn history. He also mentioned that he enjoys the cold weather and often doesn't wear much clothing {like underwear} Yeah, that was the strange part of the conversation...). I could tell you all the info I learned, but that would take forever. Lets just say, for a time in Japan, it was illegal to be Christian (as I understand it, I think this was mainly a reaction against the west by the Shoganate of the time, and since Christianity was from the West, it was not to be tolerated.) So we saw how people hid their relics (most were Catholic so relics and icons were important to them) and became "Underground Christians." It was interesting. We saw crosses in Buddhist altars and hidden in other things. I liked the guards for the katana that Christian Samurai made (I have been inspired to write a historical novel about a Christian Samurai now... First I have to get around to doing research...) Like I said, it was interesting.

Then we went to lunch. I think this town doesn't get many large groups of foreigners (there were 9 of us) because we got a lot of looks and the little old man was taking pictures of us every 5 mins! That's ok, I haven't been here long enough to mind these things yet. But lunch was wonderful. I had the best Tempura Soba of my life. Yummy! Then we got to see the sea (it was one girl's first time, unfortunately, it was a bit nippy so it wasn't all that exciting to go to the beach in winter.) Then we went to a temple and saw some blossoming plum trees. We also saw a cemetery. Buddhist cemeteries always make me sad, because I am confronted with the evidence of all those people who died lost, without Christ.

Well, anyway, after that, we passed this cute little shop on the way to the station. I found some geita (wooden sandals) for really cheap, and wanted to buy them. I ended up buying a whole kimono set too. It all only cost me around $50.00 (this is an estimate because of course I paid in yen.) This is a super deal folks. Of course, I can't fit into the kimono, but that's ok. Maybe I can loose 100 lbs or so and fit in it some day. (yeah, not kidding about the 100 lbs. I really do need to loose that much.) The good news is that the geita fit. Not that this is all that helpfull. I mean how can walking on blocks of wood be comfortable? But it is good to know even if I can't buy Japanese clothes, I can buy shoes. The other good news is that the kimono is not too short on me. So, I just need to try to get it to fit around me and I'll be set. :-)

Well, anyway, after that we made it to the train. I got to spend time talking with B-can (I feel like we haven't really seen each other in weeks! I've been teaching, then she got sick.) and her visiting professor and Travis. It was good times. I amused them to no end with my "creative solutions" to problems I created myself (and my purple fake hair) and B-can told all her funny stories of all the things that have happened to her since she has been here. (they are way more interesting than my stories. Maybe I should start writing them down here too.) It was fun. Then I went to meet my language partner at 5. We had a good time. He remembered that I like okonomiaki (yeah, don't ask, it's really difficult to explain, but believe me it's wonderful!) and researched online for a place to take me to. Man did he ever find a good place! They even had English menus! I have had some of the best food today! We also had good conversations (for once I didn't leave feeling like I put my foot in my mouth a million times.) It was awesome.

Course now I need to watch my money for a while. (Yesterday I went on a bit of a shopping spree as well. But I really am happy with the results) Well, as we all know by now, I can go on and on about these things, but it is late, and once again I have to get up tomorrow early (so far that's been just about every day this week I've had to do something extra), but it's all good. Still, I am exhausted, and sleep is calling my name. I will answer it's call now.

of busy days.

Yeah. Yesterday was Sunday. I woke up (having gone to bed at 5:30 AM - due to sleeping the day away on Saturday {had a headache}) not wanting to go to church. Well, eventually I guilt-tripped myself to going. (my personal theme lately has been my life as a Sacrifice for God, or rather the lack of Sacrifice in my life.) Well, despite the selfishness of my heart, God blessed me yesterday. I spent the whole day with people.

Jim, one of the missionaries from Niigata, is down for a meeting and came to church. After church, he wanted to hang out, so 4 of us went to lunch. (KFC, ick!) It was a good time. They teased me about my inability (or perhaps refusal) to eat any food remotely spicy and we laughed about other things too. It was fun. Then we went back to the church and played cards for a bit, and then it was coffee house time.

Jim left to go pick up his professor from the airport, but the rest of us participated in the English Coffee House for the English school. That was fun too (I didn't do a whole lot, I was feeling the lack of my Sunday Afternoon Nap by this time.) Well, they played some songs from Sound of Music, and as I get silly from lack of sleep, well... Yeah, I got silly. Me and this other man ended up performing the song from the movie (several times). It was fun. (and yes, I do realize that the previous sentence is grammatically incorrect and yet, I don't care. Some English teacher I'll make.)

So after we cleaned up and most everyone went home, another guy wanted to invite us to meet up with this friend of his. So we went to McDonald's for dinner while we waited (again in a group of 4, different 4 than before.) I got a "Happy Set" so I could get a stuffed dog (I was excited because the other girl with us got a Happy Set too, so I didn't feel so silly.) After dinner, one guy left, and was replaced by the guy we were meeting. We went to Starbucks (ick) and sat around for a while longer. It's nice to hang out with people for an entire day. :-)

Last night, after my day of people, I was gonna get online, but the internet didn't want to work. *sigh* Perhaps I am too dependent on it. So I went to sleep. Didn't accomplish anything much this weekend, but I did enjoy the down time after last week. It was good.

And on a happy note, I am sitting down in jeans that I could only stand in before! Horray! That means I am loosing weight. Makes it more difficult to wear clothes, but it's still a good thing. I am also rather happy with the way I styled my hair today. I would describe it, but I really doubt anyone cares. And besides that, I need to leave to pay some bills and make it to class.

So enough wasting my time here. I gotta go. :-)

of teaching.

So today was my first full day of teaching. Yesterday I taught two classes for the girl I will replace because she was sick. Today I taught all of the classes for her. I certainly don't mind because it lets me get to know the students faster and get more experience. But man, today I'm tired. Not only did I work for 8 hours, but I also had to commute (1 hour each way) for a grand total of 10 hours. Makes for a long day. I am super thankful that I will be living next door to where I will be working. Makes leaving at 9:30 less daunting.

But it certainly was interesting to think that this is what I will be doing for the next two years. Wow, I have so much to say, but I'm so tired I can hardly think. I know that I miss talking to B-kan (fellow missionary in class w/me). It'll be strange when I can't tell her all the things I want to.

There are so many things I wish I could record and keep, but I can't organize my thoughts right now. So anyway, I guess I'll end this and get some sleep. I didn't go to Japanese class today since I had to teach, but tomorrow I still have a Kanji test. *sigh* guess I need to wake up and study for it. Anyhow. Night.

of nothing in particular.

Yeah, so not much has been going on lately. Woke up to an earthquake this morning. Strange to talk about it so casually, but only one vase (and it was top heavy) was knocked over, so it really wasn't that big of a deal. So, on the Amber Scale of Things, the earthquake was somewhere between Big-Enough-To-Wake-Me-Up and Not-Big-Enough-To-Break-Anything.

Other than that, I've pretty much just been a bum lately. Well, that's normal. Today I remembered I will have two people staying in my apartment for the weekend. You would think this would spur me on to clean. But alas, I am a bum. Yes, tomorrow and Friday will be a mad cleaning rush.

Yeah, my life is far more interesting than a paper bag (well, 99% of paper bags anyway, at least, one would hope) but far less exciting than a super nova. Guess when you put it that way, it's not so bad being in the middle.

of communion.

I realized today that communion is much more meaningful for me since coming to Japan. Since I worship every week in a language I don't understand, I loose a lot of "meaningfulness" from worship sometimes. But today, as I went forward with fellow believers to receive the body and blood of my Savior, I realized that it doesn't matter what language I worship in. It doesn't matter if I can understand everything that goes on. What matters is that I am still a part of the Church Body. No language barrier can blockade this gift from heaven. How amazing is that? I think I am one step closer to understanding and appreciating this whole communion thing. (took going to a different country, but hey, the good news is that I am learning!)

God is good.

I had more things to say, but I have forgotten them, so enjoy a short post for once. :-)

of attention from men.

Ok, so yes, this is my second post of the day. But no, it's not quite as heavy as the last one.

So, because I am a lazy bum, quite often I allow my dietary needs to be filled by McDonald's (if you call that being "filled"). So, because I was a bum today, and didn't need to go anywhere important, I decided to dress like a bum. I didn't bother to brush my hair (just put on a warm hat) and I threw on a t-shirt and an old flannel shirt of my dad's. Paired with my green cargo jeans, I am certain I just don't look attractive. (not being the type of person to catch guys eyes to begin with)

I am certain it's because I am a foreigner. I go to McDonald's and I take a book to read (it's weird to eat by myself and not have anything to do). As often happens when I have a book, I became absorbed in it and continued reading even after my meal. Well, at some point while I was there, three young men came in and sat near me. For a while, nothing really happened. But I guess they thought it would be a thrill to talk to a foreigner, so they finally got my attention. In really broken English, one guy asked me how old I was. When I replied back in Japanese, they were all really shocked. (that was funny to me) Well, they were just being young men and didn't really want to have a conversation. Like I said, I think it was for the thrill of talking to a foreigner. One guy kept telling me I should be his girlfriend. I think there might have been a couple of lewd comments, but I was having quite a bit of trouble understanding them. After a while they got bored and told me to read my book again. So I did. I thought it would be weird to leave right then, so I read a few more chapters hoping they would leave first. They didn't, so finally I left. It was strange.

But the strangest thing to me is, that I only seem to get attention from strangers when I am dressed all nappy. What's up with that? I don't get it. Maybe it makes me less threatening of a foreigner when I dress that way. Who knows. I don't understand these type of men. They are obviously after only one thing, and really, I am just not the type of girl you pick out of a crowd for that. Strange. Anyway, this makes Unwanted Attention from Strange Men in Public occurrence number 3. I have been in Japan for about three and a half months. I hope this isn't a pattern. Not that this is terribly disturbing to me, just strange.

of inadequacy.

God's been tugging at my heart lately. Unfortunately, I am childish. Imagine a three year old girl who thinks she is all grown up. This little girl is bossy and full of her own knowledge. She loves her parents, but doesn't always listen to them, because of course, she knows best. She is only capable of seeing the world through her selfish perceptions. Now there is really nothing wrong with this in a three year old. You can't expect a three year old to be anything more than a three year old. Unfortunately, this little girl is me.

I am definitely not three. Compared to many people I am still very young, and that's ok. But I am a far cry from three. So why is it that I find myself acting as if I were still three? The answer is of course that I am still a sinful human. For a while I've been trying to ignore this tugging at my heart telling me about my sins. It's quite easy to live live only thinking about yourself. In fact, I do this all the time. I pretend that I'm a "good" person. Of course I am. I am a missionary. I went to a Christian University to study churchwork. I refrain from doing all those horrible things that "bad" people do. Of course I'm a "good" person. Yeah right.

Satan is crafty. It's so easy to tempt me to take credit for things in my life. I have often gotten annoyed when people don't give me credit, or take credit for something I did. But here I am, taking credit for the things God does in my life. It's pathetic. If I look at things from the worldview, I am not really a bad person. If I tried to tell people what a horrible person I am, they would argue with me. But I am not looking at things from the worldview. I can see the parts of me that I hide from everyone else. The parts I am ashamed of. The parts that no matter how much I try to hide them, are always exposed before God. I am a failure.

I'm finding it hard to direct my thoughts. So many things are going through my mind, I can't keep up. Thoughts of grace. Thoughts of works. Thoughts of my failures. Thoughts of my goals. And I still realize that I am only focused on ME. How can I truly serve God if I still only think about myself? I can't stay three forever. I thought that I had given my life to God, but I realize that it was just a token gesture. When there is something I want, or if I just don't feel like it, it's easy to take back my life and declare it is MINE. I do God's work when it suits me, when it is convenient and when I want to. All my decisions in life have been because I WANTED to, not because I was truly allowing God to lead me. I am the three year old pulling her parents along behind her. How arrogant of me! Who am I to tell God where to send me? Who am I to complain that I don't want to do something? Where do I get off?

I am really ashamed of the person I am. I want to give everything to God. To never hold back. But yet, even now, I allow this world to hold me in it's grip.

They told us in class not to compare ourselves to other people. But it's hard. I just read a book about the life of an amazing missionary in Japan. I think about other people who give everything to God. It seems like a glamorous life. I know it's not. But yet my heart longs for that. Unfortunately, I still find that my heart is longing for the wrong things. Instead of longing to serve God, I long to be an important servant. I want to be special and reconized. I want books written about me. I still want these meaningless earthly things. Why can't I be content to serve? I am ashamed.

Yes, Satan is definitely crafty. He knows my weaknesses. He exploits them, and it works.

I am lazy. I am lazy in my life, and I am lazy in my spiritual life. I try to get by with the least amount of effort. But I dream of being great. That is impossible anywhere if you don't put forth effort. I am ashamed.

I was reading this week in 1 Cor. 8 and 9. These two chapters covered doing things for the right reason, and then doing them with everything you have. How I've failed in both of these! I have realized that it is important to do good things. But good things without love (namely the all-encompassing love for God) is worth less than nothing. It is meaningless. And professing love, but not doing good things is proof of empty love. True love permeates every facet of life. It encompasses everything. True love doesn't sit on the couch thinking wistfully about the other person. True love leaves everything thing behind and goes to the ends of the earth.

My entire life has been spent on that couch, reading about true love, and wistfully imagining it. Imagined love is nothing. It can never fill the emptiness. I am so ashamed that this is my life. I want to possess this True Love. I want It to fill me, encompass me, and overflow from my very being. I want to leave behind the things of this world that are meaningless. I want to embrace my love for Christ with every part of my being.

So why do I hold back?

Help me Father. I am not worthy, I know. But You call me Your child anyway. Please break these chains that hold me to this world. Please help me put You before me. Help me be a servant. I know that I can't go instantly from three to twenty-five, but help me grow. Let me be like a three year old who wants to help her parents. I don't have the coordination, or the knowledge to be useful. But loving parents help the three year old to serve. This is all I can ask. I need this same thing. I need You to help me. It's impossible for me otherwise. Please Father! Even now, as I ask for these things, I know my heart is torn. Part of me wants to stay the way I am, even though this life is empty and meaningless. Help me defeat myself! I want You to be my only God. The Only Thing that controls my actions and guides my feet. Please.

Please...

Guide me.

of blue hair and lawsuits.

Just thought it was about that time to write out yet another lengthy post for either
a.) the relief of your boredom
b.) the contribution to your boredom
c.) the death and resurrection of your boredom
d.) all and/or none of the above

(bet you didn't know it would be a multiple choice post huh?)

Today I decided to make sure EVERYONE knows how strange I am, and I got a hair extention! Well, ok, so most people are not going to be all that excited about this, but I am! I am now the proud owner of a blue/purple streak of artificial hair. It was quite the adventure going to the salon, but fortunately Lauren went with me and did most of the speaking. And it was cheap! Only 530 yen!! So I am pretty happy with this. (just don't tell my mom, she'll flip!) So far everyone who has seen it (two ppl) have said it looks nice. The color isn't too bright, so it still looks nice. I will certainly look forward to doing my hair for the next few days. I just can't believe I actually got up enough guts to do something like this. Course, I don't know why. After all, it's not permanent or anything like that, and still lets me be a bit different. So maybe while I am in Japan, I will play around with different types of hair extentions for a while. Somehow I just don't think I could get away with it as much in the states. (churches don't generally like hiring ppl with blue in their hair, well, not girls anyway. Course it would be cool if I found one that did!)

Anyway, on to other things.

I recently read a story online about how these two high school girls stayed home from a school dance because they knew there would be drinking and cursing there. Instead, they decided to bake cookies and give them to their neighbors. What upsets me is that one of the women they gave cookies to, sued these two girls! She claims that because the girls left the cookies at 10:30 at night and then ran away, she had an anxiety attack and had to go to the hospital. The very fact that she sued over this is enough to irk me, but the kicker is that she won! The girls were fined over $900 for her medical and court fees! How wrong is this picture? First of all, the case should have never made it to court. And secondly, I can't imagine how these girls feel. They stayed away from a bad situation and decided to do a kind and thoughtful thing. And they got sued for it! It makes me want to sue the woman for suing the girls. These stupid cases bog up our court system, and increase our taxes. How petty can you get? It really makes me sick to realize how selfish human beings are (myself included). And after realizing that, it fills me with wonder to realize that God, who is perfect, still puts up with us. What amazing love is that? I can't fathom such a thing. I realize that I am just another petty human with my petty "things" that make up my life. And yet God loves me anyway. It is very humbling. And now, after writing all that out, I feel like the "righteous ignidation" I originally had aimed at that woman, is petty as well. And this is the reason God runs the universe and not me.

Anyway. Thank you for reading. You may now return to your previously scheduled lives.

of things that make me happy.

Today has been a good day. I was woken up with a call from my parents. They both seem to be in good moods lately and that is always a good thing. The call was nice. So after they hung up, I decided to call some other friends of mine. That was a fun conversation as well.

Well, along the way, I managed to get distracted and I neglected getting ready for class until the last possible minute. Fortunately, I managed to make it just in time to catch the train that would prevent me from being seriously late. Lucky. :-) Class wasn't all that exciting, but it wasn't horrible either. But the fun came afterwards.

I got mail! Yes, that is always fun and exciting. Especially when it is something you have been waiting for. I ordered a coat last week, and it got here this week. (good shipping.) Now, the story is that I have been searching for a coat since middle of summer. I am from Texas. You don't really need good coats there. But here it is colder and I spend way more time walking outside than I did in Texas. But it was quite the adventure trying to find a suitable coat. Well, finally we found one and my parents bought me a nice expensive coat. It is down and long and SUPER COOL! At first I wasn't sure how well I would like it, but I thought it would be ok as long as it fit and kept me warm (plus being down it wouldn't take up too much room or be too bulky.) Well, it turns out it has tons of fun pockets (I really love pockets) and a two way zipper and other cool things. I am happy with the coat.

Well, that's enough for a good day, but I got to ride the train home with Bethany (other missionary) and we talked some. We even managed to get her a seat on the more crowded train line. Well, several stops later, a large group of old women come on the train. They got one seat near us and gave it to one of the women. Another couple of stops, and the woman next to Bethany got off. So Bethany got up too to give another woman her seat so they could sit together. The women were all impressed by this. They starting talking to us some and asking us some questions. But they mostly laughed at us (I think they thought we were cute foreigners or something.) Well, this was amusing for me. But the embarrassing part came when it was time for us to get off the train. I gathered up my box (from my coat) and as we started to leave, this entire bench of old women chorus at us "Arigato" and "Take care" (in Japanese, I can't remember what the word is). Yeah, it was really embarrassing. (you have to understand too that people don't talk much on trains, so we definitely stood out by this happening) Yes, they were cute old ladies, but it was definitely embarrassing.

Anyway, that's the tale of my good day.

of poetry and pain.

I'm not a poet, and really I have no real desire to become one. But none the less, at times like this words overflow to try to express how I am feeling. So yes, there really is no meter or rhyme or structure of any sort. I don't try to follow rules or anything, I just write. So regardless of whether or not it is good poetry, the emotions are true. That is the only thing I intend to capture.

That explained, here is my most recent composition, written on the train.

Trapped.

Trapped inside my own thoughts
A prison I can't escape
Continuously battered by accusations
I can't honestly refute
My failures exposed;
hideous to see
How can I withstand the onslaught
When the accuser is me?

What is this flaw I posses
Anchoring me to inaction?
Always desiring to change;
escape
But frozen in my own inadequacy.

The fault is mine, no one else to blame
I wallow in the bile of overwhelming shame.
The very thing I want to purge
Is exactly what prevents my change.

Oddly enough, I think it might make a good rap, Linkin Park style. Guess all I need is a good chorus and someone to write music for me.