Lesson on Perspective

Last week I was given a present from one of my students. Of course I was really happy. I like presents. But this present was a little unique.

There are two ways I could look at this present. This present is a small pink crocheted flower. Well, at least that is what it is supposed to be. If you look at it closely you can tell it's a flower. It's kinda misshapen. And a little funny looking.

But I love it.

The reason is because it was made by a 6 year old little girl. But I don't love it just because this little girl is cute. (she is super super cute by the way) I can also see how talented she is. The flower isn't close to perfect. But I know where she came from. I'm the one who taught her how to make this flower, back in July. Just one day she came for an event and learned how to make it. (She was also the fastest to learn how to crochet that day as well) So I'm not so much impressed at what she can do now, (which is pretty impressive considering she's 6!) but at how much potential she has. She still remembers how to crochet something I taught her 2 months ago! I think that's pretty amazing in itself. (this knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to do something like that myself. I forget details quickly.)

So I guess this reminds me of how God loves us. When he looks at us, he doesn't only look at the product (although that is important.) But he also looks at all the factors. Where we started, how far we've come, and how far we can go, how much effort we put into it, etc. So I can give God, the most horrible looking, misshapen flower, and he might love it more than a perfect one given by someone who didn't put love into making it. It's the difference of perspective. Kinda like how God accepted Abel's offerings, but rejected Cain's. Not because of what was offered, but because of the motivation behind it.

It's a bit of a relief to know that God will accept me and my offerings as long as I love him. I don't have to be perfect. Like a child I can offer up funny looking flowers to God, and he will treasure them. Of course, just like the little girl, I have room to improve. Someday, she will be able to make perfect flowers, and I will be even happier to receive that. But for now, the funny looking flower has a place of honor on my cell phone.

Reflections...

Today I'm sitting on the train on my way to the other side of Tokyo. (I'm on my cell phone right now. I'll paste this to my blog later.) It's still about another 30mins before I arrive at my destination and I find myself with plenty of time to reflect.

Today is cleaning day. No, not my house, though it really needs it. Next week 4 new volunteer missionaries will arrive in Japan. Just like I did years ago, they will spend 6 months in Tokyo learning Japanese and other important things before beginning 2 years of teaching English and ministry. So today we are preparing for their arrival in an annual tradition of house cleaning.

It's a strange mix of feelings I find myself with. This isn't the first time I've helped clean this very house for girls who might possibly replace me. The last time was two years ago when my original term of service was about to end. There were 4 new people coming that year as well. At that time I wanted to extend, but we weren't sure there would be enough room for me still. So at that time I felt maybe a sense of slight resentment for these unknown girls who had the power to take away my job,my students. But God provided as always and that year a new position was created and I've been blessed to extend not only one but two years past my original contract.

Now I'm satisfied with my time in VYM and I'm ready to move to the next stage of my life. So I find myself on a train on my way to clean a house with the very girls whom I cleaned it for two extensions ago. Now they are also the ones preparing for the possibilities of replacement or extension. My resentment for these girls has been transformed into community and love. It's amazing how God gently shows us the better way sometimes.

So now, this time, I'm merely experiencing bitter sweet acceptance instead of sullen rebellion. It's good to know how far I've come. Today I'm looking forward to a day of laughter and fellowship (even if we are cleaning). Maybe in another two years I'll be anticipating an event such as this with true joy, the evidence of my relationship with my Father. I'm so thankful for all the ways I've changed and grown these past two years.

Now if I could only learn to clean my own house...

What does it mean to be Christian? Lessons from a non-Christian.

I just got home from a conversation with Sing. It was really good. But my head is spinning a bit trying to process it all. But God is really funny. When I came to Japan, I thought I was here to tell Japanese people about Jesus. But God turned it around on me first. He had the Japanese teach me about Jesus. God is good to me.

So, what does it mean to be Christian? What does that look like? Tonight, that question was answered for me from the perspective of a non-Christian. He told me this.

I am a Christian. That means I am going to heaven. I should be happy right? So he is jealous of me.

So I guess to him, that's what it means to be Christian. Live like you are going to heaven. If he can't see that I'm happy about it, then why would he want to go? I guess he's got a point. If I want to go to a concert, or some event that I really like, I'll think about it for a long time. And I'll look forward to it. Everyone around me knows I'm about to go someplace I love. It shows in everything I do. So why doesn't it show that I love heaven? I'm going there right? So why am I not happy? He accused me of thinking too much and making things too complicated.

He's got a point. One of the most given commands in the Bible is "rejoice." (followed closely by "don't be afraid") So why have I spent so much of my life in fear and worry and just plain unhappiness? I've been missing a key point.

It's kinda sad it's taken me so long to realize these things. This is actually the end of a conversation I had with Sing two years ago. Tonight he finally explained why he thought I wasn't a good missionary. I'm not happy. Well, I've become more happy recently, but I guess I didn't know I was happy.

In the previous post I was looking for purpose, the goal that would allow me to make it through any trials that come my way. When I asked Sing about that tonight, he told me that wasn't the problem. I already have the answer.

Recently I had the thought that you can't change the world, but you can change how you see it. I think the way I see the world, and how I see what it means to live as a Christian, has changed, just a little.

The fear before the next step.

So this is my last year of missionary service. In March I will leave this job and find gainful employment elsewhere. I know I still have some time, but I've been thinking about the future lately, and realizing how terrified and ill equipped I am for it.

Up until now, while lonely, I've never really been on my own. In college I had the financial support of my parents. Now I am supported by my missionary program. While I live alone, I'm not on my own. There are people to help me and take care of me when I need it. In March that will be over.

I have already decided I am not returning to America at the end of my service. I love Japan. I want to stay here. That has never been a question in my mind since arriving here. But the only way to make money in Japan for me is to teach English. (I have a very large student loan debt hanging over my head that makes the move away from church work necessary...) While I don't hate teaching English, I don't love it either. Now, of course, having the perfect job is not the prerequisite for happiness. Nor am I naive enough (any longer) to think that I am entitled to the perfect job. The problem comes when I realize that I will still be living alone.

Now of course I live alone now. But I have a job I mostly enjoy, and a sense of purpose to guide me through that. ( I also have a band that get's me out of my house every weekend and social time) But I fear the thought of living alone, having a job I don't like, and just surviving here. What's the point? What's my reason for living? The band can't support me in a situation like that. (I think right now the band is a substitute for family for me.) But I'm moving past the point where that level of support is going to carry me through. I need something more. I need a purpose.

I see other people who live alone, and what it is that motivates them. For some it is their music. Maybe it's art. But while I love both of those things, they aren't what drive me. I want something more. Something bigger. Something that will keep me moving forward, even when I want to stop. Something to fight for.

Am I still being naive? I don't know. But these are the thoughts that are coming to me now as I'm looking forward. I've prayed about this, and now I'm waiting for God to show me His plan.

If anything, it's comforting to have words to put to the problem. Now I can trust and wait for God to guide me and teach me. While I'm still afraid, I'm less uneasy now than I was before.

God is good to me.

Omiyagi

So Japan has a tradition of buying gifts for people you know whenever you go on a trip. These gifts are usually food, and are called "omiyagi." Almost all train stations, air ports, and convenience stores, as well as specialty shops in major places were people travel, carry omiyagi. It is a huge business. It's always best to find omiyagi of a local product, or something that area is famous for.

Students often bring omiyagi to class to share. Today a student brought some omiyagi from near her home town. What was funny was the kind of omiyagi. If you look at the box (it might be hard to read...) it says "Francis Xavier" Then it reads (in English):

Francis Xavier gave happiness to many people and taught our country the light of civilization and God's teachings. In commemoration of him, (I can't read this word and I forgot it but it probably means eat or enjoy or something...) a confectionery, please from sweet shop.

Francis Xavier was the first missionary that came to Japan. It's rather strange to see omiyagi made in commemoration of him. The box was really nice too. It was covered in nice fake velvet. And everyone remarked that the box reminded them of the Bible. Haha. But it seems strange to me, for people who probably don't know who Francis Xavier is, to be buying omiyagi in his name. I wonder what he would think....

VBS!

This summer we had our first VBS at my church (that I'm aware of anyway.) It was only three days, and only two hours a day. It went quite well I think.

We did the every thing by scratch. It worked out, because we had about 12 kids come. So we could do everything together as one big group. Our theme was Heroes. We studied about three Bible Heroes, Moses, David and Esther. There was also song time and crafts, and play time. The last day we made lunch and ate together too. It was a nice combination. I only took pictures of the last day, but here they are!

more pictures

Here are a few more yukata pictures from the live. The top one is me with three other missionaries I know who came with me and then the members of the band. I was really glad they came. We weren't planning on taking a picture, but the members told us to. Haha. It was funny.

There is also a picture of the band members in yukata. Personally I really like the yukata for men. It's more common to see girls wearing yukata, but I like the way they look on guys. I think more guys should wear them! haha. Yeah, I'm weird.
And randomly, some cute bunny pictures. There was a special live outside during the summer. We met this guy who had two bunnies and the girls made friends with the bunnies very quickly. Here is Neko-chan with the two bunnies. They were really cute.

catching up

Well, I survived the summer. It's been a while, so I'm going to try to play catch up a bit with my blog.

This summer was very similar to my other summers in Japan. Hot, muggy and busy. I had a few days to relax, but for the most part I was off doing many different things this summer.

The highlight of the summer would be getting my very own yukata. A yukata is a traditional type of kimono that is worn in the summer. Back in the old days, when they wore kimono all the time, yukata was much cooler to wear. (now, it's a bit hot if you compare it to wearing short sleeves and shorts...)

Summer is great for watching people get dressed up in yukata for festivals and fireworks. Although I've lost quite a bit of weight since coming to Japan, I'm still rather large, so I can't buy a pre-made yukata. (one size fit's all). So I asked a church member who likes to sew, if she could make one for me. I bought the fabric and she made it for me by hand!!!! in one week!!!! She is amazing! (she also takes care of the flowers around my house.) The she taught me how to put it on, and even lent me an obi (the belt part) to wear with it. Here is the final product. I wore it to the Trash Box Jam summer live. It's becoming a tradition to wear yukata (or a swimsuit) to this live. If you wear one you get a special prize. This year it was a custom made pick. Very cool.

In other news, this summer I started walking for exercise. I try to walk a little over an hour 2-4 days a week (weather permitting). Since I started, I've lost 4 kilograms! (a little less than 10lbs I'm guessing... I'm bad at converting.) I would like to loose another 10 kilos by April. Of course the next problem is going to be finding a way to buy new clothes that fit! haha.

This summer was crazy with rain and storms. The newspapers called it "guerrilla rain." Apparently Tokyo had the most lightening in 50 years this summer. The up side was no typhoons so far this year. The down side was lots of headaches and the band was canceled several times. sad. This week the weather has been changing. Today was nice because there was very little humidity! It was wonderful. Except for the headache of course. I get headaches every time the weather changes. I think it's because of my sinuses, but I'm not sure. I'm going to go to a doctor this month to get it checked out. I'm definitely tired of headaches.

Well, I think that's all for today. I will try to put up some more pictures and stuff from this summer. There are several fun stories I would like to share.

Where is your identity?

A while back, Trash Box Jam came out with a song called "Samantha's Identity." It's a cute song, and I like it. I remember having a conversation after that with one guy. He asked me, "Where is your identity?" Now, he has trouble with his English, so I assumed he was making a mistake. My first thought was... "I don't know, my closet?"

But today, for some reason, I was thinking of this conversation again. And it dawned on me. The question is not as strange as I thought it was. I mean after all, we do put out identities in things, or places, or people. For example, basketball, football, significant other, kids, job, hobbies... The list goes on and on. When you have this thing, this place, this person, you feel alive, whole. But what happens when that thing is gone? What happens to your identity?

I talked about this movie before, but I was sent the movie "Friday Night Lights." Now, I'm not a big football fan, but the movie hits close to home in many ways. The thing is that all theses kids had their identities completely wrapped up in football. The star didn't have anything else. He was football. So when he was injured, he had nothing to fall back on. That was his only identity. He played football. All the other conflicts in the movie centered around identities and football.

So that's my question. Where is your identity? Is that a safe place? What happens when that person/place/thing is gone? Everything breaks. There is no perfectly safe place to keep something as important as your identity. In my opinion, insecure people and people with low self-esteem are people who don't have a place for their identity, or maybe not a stable one. And my solution to all of this is: people need a safe place for their identity. One that doesn't change. One that won't disappoint them or leave them. Where is that place?

For me, as a Christian, I can only think of one place: God. God is all powerful. He will never fail. God is love, He will never let me down. God is strong, He will protect my identity when I would fail. God is outside all circumstances. He is the only safe place for something like my identity. When I try to put it somewhere else, I will never be fully happy, fully complete. My identity is in God.

Ok, that's my sermon for today. I hope everyone is having a nice summer!

The fun of shattering prejudices

So my Bible study on Thursdays is a lot of fun for me. It's a wonderful class, with one student who is very open and honest about what she thinks. In almost every lesson, she is completely surprised by what she reads. We discovered today that this is because of her prejudice of the Bible. She has this pre-concieved idea of what the Bible is about. Most people do. I imagine that most people think the Bible is this "holy, dry, boring book that tells us what to do." Little did she know that the Bible is actually rated R! haha. The Bible is a book about humanity. Actually it's about the relationship of humanity and God, and what God is doing to fix the broken relationship. So it's got all the messy details you'd find in the worst kind of divorce. But God's still trying to fix the relationship. It's amazing.

This is one of the best things about teaching the Bible. The basic shock vaule of it. When people find out what's really in the Bible, it's great to watch their expressions and have them grasp it for the first time.

I guess that's all the reward I need most days. I just like shocking people. haha. It's fun.

Random Funny story.

So recently I eat dinner every Tuesday night with the Deaconess of our church and her son. It's nice to have someone else to eat with, and I get some home cooked food. It's also a good chance to use more Japanese. So today reminded me of a dinner we had a couple of months back.

The little boy mentioned something a while back. While we were preparing dinner, he looked at his mom and said "That Fanta on Sunday was really good!" I was a bit confused, so his mom had to explain.

So our church has communion every week. For people who don't want to drink wine, you can go first and drink grape juice. Well I guess one Sunday, there was none of the regular people who prepared for Sunday service. So service started, and someone noticed that communion had not been prepared. So during the service they were rushing around to get things ready. Well, turns out they couldn't find the grape juice usually used for communion. In a panic, it was replaced by some grape Fanta in the fridge. So when the boy went to take communion, he was a bit shocked to find Fanta instead of grape juice. But he thought it was a great idea and thought they should do it every week! Haha.

I just remembered it, and wanted to put it up here. Hope you can get a laugh from it.

(We have since found the grape juice and haven't had the same problem again. I think the Fanta has also been taken out of the fridge!)

Anyway, here's another picture from my cell phone. Can you guess what this is? If you think it's a really big church... you are wrong! This is actually quite common in Japan. It's a wedding chapel. They built this recently. At first I was excited because I thought they were building a really cool church. But turns out it's just for a "church feel" for weddings. Weddings are a huge deal here, and they have tons of specialty places to get married. Just in my area there's an English Garden, the big Church, and another place that looks like you can choose from several themes. It's crazy. It's easier to find a wedding chapel in Japan than an actual church. I actually see very few church buildings that look like "traditional" churches in America. Several look like overgrown houses actually, or are downtown and hard to spot among all the other buildings. Anyway, two random revelations.

In other news, it's getting close to summer here. Actually, in Texas, I'm sure it's been summer for several long months now. I forget sometimes. It's still rainy season here. But rainy season is almost over. It's been getting that nasty hot-humid feel lately. It's horrible. Not nearly at hot as West Texas, but way more miserable. But fortunately we've had some rain the last few days that have made it comfortably cool again. But it just reminds me that I'm about to become perpetually hot and sweaty again for a while. Yuck. So not looking forward to Summer. I have three more weeks of teaching to go, then about a week of events before I actually get to "vacation" time. But it will be good. I hope I can go to see fireworks this year.

Ok, that's the rambling for now. It's a bit of a lighter post from what I've been writing lately. I hope you enjoyed it.

Rejoicing in Truth

Today was a good day. In my last class of the week, I have this low-level English class. But the students and I get along really well. Two have been my students for the whole 3+ years I've been teaching. One is pretty new and the other has been an on again off again student. It's a rather random mixture of people, but for the most part we have a good atmosphere.

One of the ways I try to connect with my students is about sharing various parts of my life with them, not just my thoughts on religion and English. My thinking is that if they know me as a person, they are more willing to listen to why I love God.

So today was a sign of progress for me with this group of students. Usually my students give me a lot of encouragement. They like me, so they only want to tell me things they think I want to hear. If I point out one of my faults or something, they are quick to gloss over it. Don't make waves is one of the cardinal rules of Japan it seems. But for me it's a bit frustrating. I don't want to be fed "sugar" all the time. I want truth, vegetables if you will. But most of the people I know here, just want to make me happy for that moment.

But tonight was wonderful. I had a student feel comfortable enough in the relationship to give me his honest opinion in the mater we were talking about. This rather shocked the other three students, who quickly tried to gloss over his words. But I was really happy to have someone speak their true opinion, even if it was one I might not want to hear.
When that happens, I feel like the relationship has moved to a deeper connecting place. I now have more confidence in his words, and I respect the things he says to me a little more. (now this doesn't mean I'm going to blindly believe anything he tells me. It just means I respect him more.)

I guess one of the things I value most in relationships is the ability to be open and honest. To be able to speak truth, and not have it ruin the relationship. I desire this kind of relationship with God, and with other people. Most of the time I can't have it. But sometimes I can catch glimpses of true relationships. That is the most encouraging thing for me.

So there's my strangeness of the day. I'm encouraged by hearing not so encouraging words. :-D It's a good day!

Anyway, the pictures have nothing to do with the post, but here are some more pictures from the park I took a couple of weeks back.

"Fix your eyes on..."

What do you fix your eyes on?

It's not a question I think about often, but today as I was praying, God taught me another lesson about faith, and what it means to fix your eyes on something.

In a couple of months, it will mark my 3rd year of knowing the band. I know many people probably think I'm a bit crazy, and sometimes I do too. (would it surprise you to know there are fans who have been there for 9 years! I'm not even one of the hard core fans.) I spend almost every weekend with these people, not just the band members, but also other fans. I really love my time there. I love the music, I love the people. It has been such a blessing to me.

But, I admit. I am a fan. When I go, of course, I can't understand 100% of the Japanese that is going on around me. Actually, I'm lucky to get 30%. So this means I have to gather information in other ways. My powers of observation have really grown since coming to Japan. I can't rely on language skills alone, so I watch, and learn. Maybe I have always been fairly observant, but I don't know if I ever LEARNED anything from it. Now, I'm putting those skills to good use.

So when I go to the band, I of course listen to the music, but I also watch. I probably watch very intently. I've gotten rather good actually. I can often guess what the next song will be, because I'm watching and listening to the members. Or I can recognize the first chord of a song. I can anticipate what they will do next, because I'm observing them so closely. I find great joy in this. I like knowing more about them and seeing what they will do next.

Now, this might seem like a strange tangent. But this is how God teaches me lessons. I have to learn by example. I have to see something in action to really understand it. Experience is the ultimate teacher.

So today God showed me how I can "fix my eyes" on the band and the joy I get from that. So how much more wonderful would it be to fix my eyes on Him? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be so focused on God that you can anticipate what He might do next? So caught up in His presence that you find out more and more about His character. So in tune with Him that He only has to play one chord before you know the next "song." That is my longing right now. I've experienced a small taste of that with the band. But I long to drink more deeply of the "real thing."

Right now there seems to be so much going on in Japan. I know something is coming. I can feel it everywhere. But I don't know what God is going to do next. But, like I wait eagerly for the next song the band will play, I am also waiting eagerly to see what God is going to do with all these strange pieces He is gathering here. God is making a new "song" for Japan, and I can't wait to hear it!

I'm thankful for this lesson in how I should be relating to God.

On a side note, I am looking for people willing to pray for me on a regular basis. If you are interested, please leave me a message, or send me an e-mail. Thank you very much.

The pictures today are some of the things I "set my eyes" on here in Japan. First is a picture of the band from last Sunday night. Then there is a nice park I went to a couple of weeks ago. Isn't it amazing how God can reveal things about Himself in anything?

The joys of creating!

So about two months ago the art bug bit me. Mako, one of the members of Trash Box Jam, the band I listen to, also writes solo songs. He's an amazing song writer too. Once I've translated the songs, and he's explained them to me, I can usually get a really clear visual image of his songs. He just wrote a new song, and the image was so strong and beautiful, that I broke down and bought some art supplies. It's been a really long time since I've been able to draw a picture on this scale. (it's really quite big.) So this is the picture, in pastel, of Mako's new song. The title of the picture is "Shadow of a prayer - the last dream of Hope." Sorry, I don't think I'd be able to explain the song very well. But enjoy the pictures of my latest art project!

The thing I really like about art is when you start with a completely white sheet of paper, and in the end, you have something beautiful. I love the whole process. And the satisfaction I get, kinda gives me a glimpse of what God might have felt when he was creating the world and such. It's a wonderful blessing from God! I'm really happy to be able to share this with God.

Anyway, this weekend I gave the finished picture to Mako. I'll miss it though. Haha

Realizing definitions.

So, one of the most important things I've gained from teaching English as a foreign language is to really understand the definitions of words for myself. So many times, I take words for granted. It's when a student asks me, "What does this word mean?" that I really have to sit down and find the answer for myself. This has been esp helpful when I teach the Bible. I can see a Bible verse in a whole new light, because I can understand the meaning of a word better.

Once a week, I have a Japanese/English Bible study with the deaconess of our church. I teach her the English, and she teaches me the Japanese. It's a good language study for both of us. A few weeks back I had one of my "word" revelations. In Matthew 6 it talks about not worrying about the future, but instead trusting in God to provide. One verse is rather famous. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Mat 6:33) I've heard this verse so many times, I don't even bother to pay attention to it anymore. It's too familiar. I think I know it all ready. This is a problem for me sometimes. I have a student who does the same thing. She used to live in America (she's 6th grade now) and her English is much better than most people around her. But she thinks this means she doesn't have to pay attention in English class. So now, because she knows too much, she misses out on important Grammar things or meanings of words that she would have caught otherwise. I do the same thing with the Bible. I think I understand it, and since I can read it in English, it seems easy enough. But sometimes, I realize I can always listen more.

So, the case in point. We are reading this verse, so Yang Sensei (the deaconess) askes me, "What does 'seek' mean? Does it mean hoshi (the Japanese word for want)?" I immediately told her no, that's not really what it meant, and we eventually managed to find the correct Japanese word to express seek. But during that process, I realized how often we treat the word in that verse as "want" instead of "seek." What is the difference? Want is merely a feeling. Oh yeah, I want God's kingdom and his righteousness. And I want a new bicycle. But, I can want something for a long time, and never DO anything about it. Seek is different. Seek is an action. There's a big difference between only wanting a new bicycle and saving up enough money and going to find a place to buy a new bicycle. I can sit around wanting all day. It does nothing. Seek is something that takes effort.

Now I realize that this might just be an English word choice problem, so we decided to look it up in Japanese and in Greek. All three languages point out an action word. Seek. Exert yourself. Get up off your butt and do something about it. Don't sit around waiting and wanting something to happen. Seek it!

I think this is an important thing to remember. So many people I know think that wanting the kingdom of God is the same thing as seeking it. It's not. If we wait for the Kingdom of God to come to us, it's gonna be too late. You have to seek after it. How's that for a little motivation?

The curse of the Tower

I just finished reading the latest book in my favorite fantasy series, Wheel of Time. It's a very long, complicated story. Usually I read for fun. Well, I used to at least. Lately it seems I can find a life lesson, or something new to think about in anything I read. Well, almost anything.

So I really like this series. It's this long, complicated story about your basic Light vs Dark. But this story is actually very realistic in many ways. I am amazed at the intelligence of the author who made so many and complicated plot twists. The thing that strikes me about this book is the vast number of plotting that happens. Even people who should be on the same side can't be trusted, because everyone has their own agenda. The end of the world is coming, so you think they should be working together to save people. But everyone has a different idea of how to do that. Some just want power for themselves. Some think their way is the only way. Other's are just ignorant. But everyone is moving independently. The actions of "not exactly enemies" are often just as damaging, or even more so than those of the actual enemies. Of course, the good news is that the enemy camp also has the same problem, only bigger. But somehow, by some greater power, things are falling into place anyway. What will eventually happen? I have to wait for the next book. Haha.

But it got me thinking. This is basically the situation the world finds itself in. There is the Light and the Dark. The end of the world is coming closer (because naturally that is the only direction it can go). Naturally you would think that Christians should be working together to save as many people as possible. But we have fallen under what I've decided is the curse of the Tower.

Of course I'm talking about the Tower of Bable. Here was a case when the people of the earth set out to rebel against God. Who needs God when we can make a tower directly to heaven ourselves? Well, it's impossible, but it's the pride that's important. In face of direct rebellion, God was a cunning General. If He attacked the tower directly, people might band together even more, thinking "ah, see, God was mad. Must mean we are on to something!" Instead He spared the lives of the rebels, instead, turning them against each other merely by confusing their languages. With their pride, no one could bend enough to learn the other languages, so work stopped, and the people separated. (now, please understand, these are all my own thoughts. I have no authority on this subject...) This seems to me the root of the problem. The curse we brought upon ourselves by rebellion. Factions.

Now we are divided. We can neither do too much good, or too much evil. We can't work well with others anymore. This is of course because I am right, and everyone else refuses to see that. So why should I change? After all, I'm right.

But this is the curse. The unbending need to be right. The pride that tells us this is the most important thing. Never back down. Never give an inch. Of course it may not be that full blown, but I believe we all carry this curse with us to some extent, about something. (I have a rather large portion of it myself.)

So like fools, children who can't see the bigger picture, we all hang on to our "rightness." I discovered recently that I have this terrible need to be right. And to have other people acknowledge me as right. It doesn't help that I am often right. But that doesn't mean people listen to me. Oh how it burns when I know I am right and tell people that, and they don't listen. Then they are proven I was right. But still no acknowledgment. Yes, it's one of my biggest hang ups. I have a lot of pride centered about being right.

But slowly I am beginning to see. Being right is not always most important. Being righteous is. This means you sometimes take the humiliation, the punishment, whatever, even though you are right. Turn your cheek. Walk the extra mile. Love your enemies. Ah, how I wish Jesus had never said those words sometimes! They are so hard. So painful. So right. Yeah, I have to admit. When it comes to being Right, Jesus wins. He was always Right. But still, He allowed himself to be humiliated, beaten, and crucified like a common criminal. Why? Because He was right! It wasn't fair. Life's not fair. Never was. If life was fair, it would have ended with Adam and Eve.

So here I am, trying to have the courage to give up my "rightness" for the sake of righteousness. Trying to be willing to be humble. And wishing that others could see this too. When we fight among political parties. Among denominations. Among clicks. Among families. Among nations. Why? Because each one thinks they are right. Not seeing the picture past themselves. Not completely informed. Not thinking of the welfare of others. It makes my heart weep to see it.

But I can't change the world. But I can begin to change me. Not be so quick to Judge. I can't know what's in a person's heart. I can't know all of their circumstances. Not so quick to be right. I can't see all the possibilities. I'm not God. I should know my place.

Slowly, I'm am tearing down my own personal tower I had been building. My rebellion against God. My need to be right. Thinking I have a right to be informed about everything. Demanding God's answers right away. My tower had been pretty high. It hurts to fall from there. Good thing it didn't go much higher. God is gracious. He continues to give me second chances. He confuses me enough until I can find the "right" path. His path. Not my rightness. His.

It's a humbling process. But it's better to be humbled than "wrong."

Small joys of teaching

Today was a good day in one of my classes. The class ended with a 6 year old boy crying. Now I'm sure you are confused. How can this be a good thing? But really, it is.

So I know I've mentioned before but I have several classes of kids who used to live in America. This year I was able to split them up into three classes arranged closer to age and ability. So I have a nice class of 6 year olds who used to live in America. Their English is good, but not perfect. I have two who have recently moved back from America. They speak well and have a good vocabulary. They are also very good at doing worksheets etc. One is a bit shy if he has to talk in front of everyone, but as soon as you take the pressure off he will chat away to himself in English. The other girl just talks happily away. The other two don't talk as much. The one boy was younger when he was in America and did not attend school in America. So he has pretty good listening, but he has trouble talking and writing. But usually he's ok with that. I usually find him in his own little world, and have difficulties getting him to do his work. He's usually not interested. Before this year, he was too young for the combined returnee class, but too good for a class his own age. So we had put him in a regular class with older boys. (they had gotten along surprisingly well) but it wasn't the best solution.

So I've been wanting to get him more comfortable in English. In the past few months he has been getting more comfortable in the class, and the kids get along well with each other. Today for the first time, he really really tried to do his worksheet. The first page I was able to help him out and give him the hints he needed to do the work. But the second page was much harder. I was distracted by helping the other little girl do her work (she's new). But I was surprised when I suddenly found him in frustrated tears. Even while crying he kept trying to finish the sheet. Even though he couldn't understand what he was supposed to do. It's the first time I've seen him really WANT to learn, WANT to achieve something. It was wonderful! We worked together to finish the sheet (ignoring the parts he had done wrong...) and then went to see his mom so he could finish crying. I think she was a bit surprised, but also happy because it meant he cared. He quickly recovered and was smiling by the time his brothers class was finished.

I love watching kids grow! (good thing tears don't bother me so much, haha)


On a random note. I bought some workbooks for some of the older kids in America. I have a class with a 3rd grader, a 4th grader and a 6th grader. So I bought level appropriate books in America. (well, I did make a mistake and ordered a 4th grade book and a 5th grade book by accident, but it's ok, because both the 3rd grader and 4th grader are able to do work beyond their grade level) Today while they are doing their workbooks, I keep thinking that the 4th grade book is really hard for this kid. The 5th grade book seems too easy, and the 6th grade book is hard. So I was being asked lots of questions from the one boy, because his words were really hard. Finally (after about half the class) we noticed, two pages in his book were the exact same as the pages in the 6th grade book! Exactly! How strange is that? It must have been a printing error, but still. That's insane! This poor kid was trying to do these super hard words that were giving the 6th grader trouble! When I noticed, I told him he didn't have to finish the page. I instead made copies from the 5th grade book, which he was able to complete with no problems! How messed up is this? Since when are 5th grade books easier than 4th grade ones??? Good thing is, he's a good sport. I hope it starts to even out soon in those silly books...

Ah... I think I've become like a "real" teacher if this is what I come home and write about. Haha. But I really was happy about the crying boy today. It's exciting! I like watching students get into what they are studying. It's wonderful

Mourning the future not taken

So I got a call from my mom this week. After waking up enough to figure out what was going on, I ended up with a bit of a shock. Not really bad, just sad.

So when I was young, my mom gave me a Hope Chest. This was a tradition in her family for girls to help prepare them for marriage (or single life recently). Every year on birthday's or Christmas you get one gift for the Hope Chest. This might be dishes, or pots and pans, etc. Essential things that you buy a little at a time so it's ready for you when you move out. I had accumulated quite a bit. Lots of dishes, pans, silverware, glasses. Now, I am also a bit of a pack-rat. I keep almost everything. It's crazy. So before I came to Japan I boxed up everything I was leaving behind and put it in an unused room in my parents house. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff.

So I got the call from my mom. Turns out my brother and his family are moving back into my parents house and they need that room. As no one is sure when I'm ever going to return to America, the solution was, it's time to get rid of the stuff.

So my mom called me to find out what I had to keep. This is a hard question at 3AM. I finally settled that I needed to keep my books and my art supplies and pictures. I guess everything else I can live without. And it's true, I don't really need any of that stuff. I guess it was just a representation of my past, and of a possible future.

So now I have lost one more thing that tied me to my home in America (as well as a house to move back into) and a future that I grew up assuming I would have. But it's funny how things change. I don't really regret not having that future. But there's still a sense of mourning. I don't know how you really mourn something you never had, but still, it's there.

But on the up side, it feels like I've been freed to continue looking forward to a future in Japan. Recently there is much less uncertainty in my conversations. Before I was always "if I can stay in Japan" and now it's more like "when".

So this week has been a strange mixture of emotions; relief, sorrow, anger, hope. But never fear. I'll forget about the whole thing soon enough. Haha

Presents!

You know, I like presents! Today I ended up with a lot of presents! And it's not even my birthday! It's great! Here are some pictures.

They were all given to me by students. One student went to a famous place in Tokyo and bought some presents for the whole class. the long piece of fabric is from that. It's a beatiful cotton "hand towel" but this is more like art actually. I'll probably hang it up in my house somewhere. She also gave me a small paper umbrella. I think this is supposed to be displayed on a wall. The flowers on both are cherry blossoms. They are beautiful.

Then in my night class one student gave me the Hello Kitty dolls. Actually his co-worker gave them to him and he didn't really want them, so he gave them to me. I was happy to take them off his hands! They are really cute! I really love the wide variety of art and stuff that can be found in Japan. Most are perfect for my tastes!

I was also "given" a nice homemade meal tonight. It was really good! Sorry, didn't take a picture.

Evidence of God working in my life.

Today is yet another day when God has poured his grace and blessings upon me.

Today is the second day in a row of rain and the third week since I have last seen Trash Box Jam. Last week I was doing well, I had plenty of energy and many exciting things were happening to keep me distracted. This week, my energy started draining. I kinda knew it would be coming. Today I was at the lowest point of the week. I couldn't wake up this morning. Barely made it to work before my students. Didn't bother to eat before work. Not only that, looking back on my week, I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything. There were so many things that I "should have done." Once again I was faced with my true character, my habits of sin, and my need for redemption. Once again, God showed me His true character, the forgiveness for my sin and offered His hand of redemption. (He even prompted a student to bring me food as well.)

So this week has been game week. This year I've decided to help reinforce English by playing word games once a month in my Adult and returnee classes. It also helps out with lesson planning. So we played games this week. It was good, and didn't require too much energy from me. Kids are another story. But this is an example of God's grace.

Today I have two classes of returnees, Kids who have lived in America (or other English speaking country) and want to keep their English. One class is now up to 4 six year olds, and one class is a group of 3, 3rd, 4th and 6th grade. In the younger class we played Candyland. It's been a while since I've seen Candyland, and I wondered if it was really going to be entertaining for the kids. Well, turns out it is. Haha. We had a great time. I never knew Candyland could be so exciting. I encouraged them to talk by making them choose from two or three cards in my hand instead of just drawing the next card from the pile. This also added a bit of excitement to game. But in the end, I know that it was a gift of God. God has given me a gift of being able to play with children. I'm always amazed, because I know I don't deserve such a wonderful gift. But he gave it to me anyway, even on days I'd rather be at home hiding under the covers.

Today in Bible Study one woman was saying again how "kawaii sou" (pitable) the Israelites were because they were always being given such strict punishments from God. I tried to point out how it was really their fault, and show how merciful and patience God was really being. It reminded me of some people I've known. I have a friend here. I've known her for two years. In the begining, I always thought that the people around her were a bit too harsh with her. I would try to defend her and support her. Now I have been here longer, (and know a bit more Japanese) and I can see the frustrations of the people around her. She doesn't change. She continues to act like a child, so the people around her will continue to treat her in that fashion. And they really do care about her. But they can't change her heart. They can't make her mature. That's a lot how Israel was. That's a lot how I am. I can see the person I used to be. I can see how much I've changed. And I can see how far I still have to go. I know I am also a stubborn child. I continue to try to do things my way, and complain when they don't go the way I wanted them to. I try to force my will on God, or try to bribe Him to see things my way. How wonderful He doesn't always listen to me! I've seen the results when God finally gives up and says "Fine, have it your way. Remember, you asked for this." I don't want that. I'm so thankful that God continues to work in my life even when I am a faithless, undisciplined, stubborn child.

By all accounts, today should have been a miserable day. But God redeemed it, and allowed me to learn and open my heart just a fraction wider than before. This is good. I want to mature with my God and Father. This is my prayer.

I guess this was a bit of a strange blog entry, but it's how I'm feeling tonight and I felt like I should write it down. But it's encouraging to see how much God continues to interfere in my life. I know He won't stop until I become what He created me to be. That's wonderful.