"Amber, it'd sure be nice if we could spend some time together..." a small voice tickling my consciousness...
"What? Yeah, sure, gimme a min..." I answer, returning to checking my mail, or reading my book, or watching a video....
"Amber, I'd really like it if you would pay some undivided attention to me..." a note found in a conversation with a friend....
"Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to do that...." and I allow day to day life to take swallow me up again.
"Amber... You know... I AM supposed to be first in your life...." yet another gentle reminder....
"I know, I know. But I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do to make it that way!" and I go back to complaining about the weather and my aching body...
I complain I'm lonely, and I hear a sigh from somewhere.
I wonder why there is no joy in my life, even when I try to be more thankful and I feel the shaking of a head...
and slowly, but surely, doors begin to close. Things that distract me are taken away. My laptop dies a sudden death. My roommate goes on a sudden, months long visit back to her parents (whose home has burned down in the Colorado fires...) I have no more books to read. I have no money to go out and "play." I have no energy to go out and enjoy nature. Even being outside for too long in the sun makes me sick.
And I get the sneaking suspicion... God is trying to get my attention.
My friend even agrees, bringing up the subject today at lunch.
God is trying to get my attention.
I remember thinking before that it would be nice if God was pursuing me, but I think I had more of the image of being showered with blessings, and warm fuzzy feelings of being loved.
But when I refuse to allow myself to be captured, what should God do? Like a jealous lover, He starts hiding the things that are keeping me away from Him. One by one they vanish, until nothing is left but Him.
So now, I can continue to pretend I don't understand what's going on, or I can give Him my attention.
I can get angry because He has taken away things from me, or I can be flattered that He goes this far to get my attention.
I have no idea what the next few months are going to look like, but hopefully they will be spent with more attention on God.
So, for now, I will not have my own laptop (I have been firmly shown that it is impossible with my current budget to get a laptop at the time being.) In a few days my roommate will leave to be with her family in Colorado (prayers please for the victims of the fires there.) In one month I will be on summer vacation. My internet time is slowly decreasing here. So, I am having more and more time opened up for God. Maybe I will be able to post some of the revelations of this time, but it is possible I won't be posting until September or so. So please forgive me, for I have been neglecting the attentions of my Jealous God. I will return when He is satisfied.
