Bonsai, double-edged swords and ministry

It's been a few days since I have done anything productive on the internet. I've been in a bit of a "communication black-out" for a bit. I've experienced a wide variety of emotions lately, and it has left me feeling drained and lifeless. Usually when I feel like this I shut-down and try to distract and numb myself until I am able to deal with things again. Granted, I did a bit of that lately, but I also decided that I should share some of my thoughts here.

I have been realizing many things from some recent conversations with various friends. One is, it is very difficult for me to share my life here in Japan with people in America. There's this feeling that no one there can understand what it's like here, so it's best if I don't even try. I guess that's a lie from Satan trying to make me isolate myself. It's not fair to the people who care about me, and it deprives me of much needed prayers. I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. But, as I'm sure most people know, communication is not my strong suit. Please feel free to ask me questions. It's hard to know what to tell people, or what they are interested in. And forgive me if I can't answer right away. One, I really am busy most of the time. And two, it takes a lot of emotional energy for me to communicate. I'm trying to get better, I really am.

Another revelation is what it means to do ministry in Japan. I shared this analogy with some people, and I'd like to share it again here.

Last year for my birthday my good friend gave me a bonsai tree. Now, I am terrible with plants. They don't talk, they don't move, they don't let me know when they need something, so they are very easy to forget about and let die. (this is why I prefer dogs, cats and small children. They let you know when they need something, not to mention they are interesting and entertaining. Also explains why I'm not so fond of fish or birds.) So this wouldn't seem like the best gift to give me. (Especially considering that this friend of mine loves bonsai, and she had grown this tree from a seed herself. It's like taking care of one of her children.) But I had shared with her before that I thought I really needed to learn more about perserverence. I am not a patient person at all when it comes to anything long term. So especially in my prayers, when I want to pray for Japan and the people I love here, it's easy to quit when I don't see results right away. So I decided I needed something more to teach me about perservering. The ideal solution seemed to be bonsai. Needs patience, a symbol of Japan, not something I'm good at. So my friend graciously gave me one of her precious tress for this "lesson."

Well my birthday is in October, so this is fall. Most plants don't grow much in fall, and this tiny pine tree was no exception. In fact, it didn't do much of anything for a little while. And then, the needles seemed to get darker, and some died off. I was worried for a while about the little thing, but I kept watering it. All winter I was rather worried about the poor little tree. Nothing seemed to change it's condition, and I was wondering if it was dead. Then my friend wrote about the condition of her tree on her blog. For the first time I knew what kind of tree I had. And it inspired me to look up information on the internet about this tree. I found some very interesting information. It told me things like you shouldn't do anything to the tree other than water it for two years. Then you can start slowly wiring it and changing it's shape. You can also cut and prune it little by little. But you should be careful, because all these things are injuries to the tree. You have to make sure to give it time to heal etc. And all the while, you must continue to give it water.

Suddenly, I had hope once again for my little tree. And sure enough this spring I was rewarded with new growth. This of course made me think about my life here in Japan. For the first two years or so I felt the same. I was "watering" my relationships with people, but not much seemed to be happening. I was wondering if I was doing enough, or even anything productive. Believe me "watering" is not a glamorous job. Many times I doubted if my ministry was even "alive." (it's interesting to note that I also arrived in Japan in fall/winter) After my second year, I began to see "green" in my relationships. Suddenly my Japanese was good enough to take relationships to the next step. I could see the growth and it was encouraging. But of course spring doesn't last forever. There is a time to grow, a time to cut, a time to wait, but through it all, you must water. You have to keep investing in the relationships, being present, praying, etc. and above all keep the faith that spring will come again. This is the part where I get the most discouraged.

I look at what I do, and wonder "Is it enough? Am I really doing anything here?" It's hard to see results here. I can get excited about small things, but they never seem to grow into big ones. I can be please with the growth of my Japanese ability, only to be frustrated by all the things I still can't understand or do. I can rejoice when my students react well in a Bible study but mourn when none of them seem any closer than before to accepting Jesus. Or be happy with a well done event, but wondering if they actually touch anyone. Most of the time I am happy and satisfied with my life here. I love the people here. I have no desire to return to life in America. Or anywhere else for that matter. I love Japan.

But I'm at one of those points again where I can't see any change, any movement. I get frustrated with my life of routine. I become discouraged to realize that I am alone. I'm 28 and single. Usually I'm ok with this, but sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I worry about money. I wish I didn't have to worry about money, about the prospect of spending the next 20 years of my life paying school loans. Worrying about my parents worrying about my money. Wondering what's going to happen in my future. Will I have a meaningful job? Will I have a family? Will I find myself single the rest of my life? Will I ever grow up? I both desire change and fear it. You see, I'm a bonsai too. I grow slowly and my roots are fragile. Sometimes I wonder if my heart is even still alive.

This is when God graciously shows me the bigger picture. He shows me His faithfulness. I trust in God. I believe that He is good. So even when I can't see results, I must keep moving forward, keep "watering" because I believe eventually spring will come again. I've come to realize that ministry, and even loving God, is like a double-edged sword. I can change the world around me with God's help, but in the process I am also changed. And because God is gracious, the process is slow.

I remember reading in one of my classes about God talking to the Israelites as they were about to enter the Promised land. He promised them that He would defeat all their enemies, but He was going to do it slowly, so that the land would not become completely desolate in the process. God has the power to change everything at once. But He doesn't do that very often. He understands the needs of growing and changing. Give time to heal, time to be changed, time to rest, time to wait. These are all important things. God loves us. He loves Japan, more than I do. He loves me. And He is way smarter than any of us can imagine. His way is best. So it's times like this that I have to remember this. I have to remember, gather my perserverence, and pick up my watering can again. It's quite possible I'll be watering for the rest of my life. And I may never see the results of my watering. But I trust that God is working. This is the only truth that keeps me through the long times.

I know I'm just a little baby bonsai tree right now. But maybe, after a lifetime of watering, I'll become a beautiful, valuable bonsai that God delights in. I'm glad God's a better gardener than I am. Please pray for me as I water and am watered in this place. I appreciate your prayers and support so much.

Good times!

I was lucky enough to have this whole week off! It was very nice to have some time to relax and just take it easy. I'm very happy so far. Tuesday I got to spend the day with one of my friends. She came out, and we walked around. We never made any of our destinations, but we did manage to go to a small zoo. Then we went to the band. It was a nice day.

Wed. I was able to just take it slow. I did decide on a whim to start practicing the piano again. No, I don't really play piano. I took about two semesters of classes back in Jr. College. I still have the books, so I decided to pull them out and play around. It was fun. I've managed to "play" piano now for the past 3 days! My hands are a little tired. Haha. The sad thing is Yang Sensei heard me playing (I have to play at the church) and is convinced I should play for church. Yeah right. I'm definitely not that good.

Thurs I went to a baseball game. I think I got discount tickets from our director (who got them from somewhere, not sure where...). It was fun. It was pro teams and at the Tokyo Dome. It was my first Major League experience. It was really interesting. There were cheering sections, that closer resembled high school football than baseball. There were cheerleaders too. It was a wonderful experience. I also got free stuff. I got a free towel and a magnet and some stickers. Along with a book of all the names of all the pro players for all the teams in Japan. Nice.

The food was pretty expensive, as to be expected. But what is fun is, you can bring your own food into the stadium! How cool is that? I didn't find that out until I had already entered the stadium though. A little too late. haha. We had pretty decent seats, close to the field. The only downside was we were way out in left field. It was kinda hard to see the infield action.

Unfortunately the home team (the Giants) were really bad. Seriously. The other team (the Carps) shut them out, 6-0. I thought that the Carps was a pretty lame name for a baseball team, but that doesn't seem to effect their playing at all. Haha. They got a double first at bat, and had 6 men on base the first inning! I couldn't tell if they were a good team, or if the Giants were just really bad. But it is a bit hard to get excited when you don't really care about either team so much. Haha. I went with a friend, and it was fun anyway. I made a video to share the experience with you.



Today I went out with some of my students. We went Karaoke. I love Karaoke. It was good, because when I practiced piano today, I also did some vocal exercises on a whim. It really improved my singing! I was happy. After Karaoke, two students and I went to get dessert. It was really good. One student is new (the same girl who went to the live with me) and we were teaching her different things about the school. The conversation quickly turned to church too. So she's going to come to church on Sunday to see what it's like! She seems really excited about it too. She's a fun addition to the class! And in other fun news, since tomorrow is a holiday, the same two students are going to come and see the band tomorrow! How fun is that! Let's pray it doesn't rain in the evening. Haha.

Next few days are going to be pretty full, and then classes will start again all too soon. Anyway, that's the update for now!

The Big 200!

Wow! This is my 200th post! That's a lot of writing! Of course it took me 3 1/2 years to get here, but hey! I made it!

Anyway, today was a great day. I was able to go to the prayer meeting after missing a couple of weeks. That was nice. Then I had lunch with a couple of friends. We laughed so much the shop workers were a bit worried I think. Then I went to Trash Box Jam's live! It was great!

I had one student and three friends come. (it's great, because I have a point card, and if I get 30 points I get a prize. I have 10 now, one for me, and one for each friend. It's great. I think I have the most points so far!)

Among the other bands was this one girl I had met two lives back. Of course it was pretty easy for her to remember me and pick me out of the crowd. I was looking forward to hearing her again, because the first time had impressed me. I bought her CD this time. So she decided that she had to take a picture with me and will put it up on her blog! How embarrassing! Haha. So my student also took a picture of the two of us together and then sent it. So this is Remi and me. She has a really awesome voice!

I also got a "present" from my friend Jenae. She has this thing where she likes to buy me really big, gaudy hearts to put on my cell phone. And because I'm a good sport, I use them. Haha. So here is the latest huge heart for my cell phone. This time it's really red and fuzzy. I've already gotten lot's of compliments for it (and I just got it today.) Haha. It's a great conversation starter! Thanks Jenae!

Anyway, it was a good night. I really like going to lives. They are really exciting and fun. Tomorrow will be a "normal" day. Church, Bible Study and then watch the band. After that I have a whole week off! Enjoy the 200th post pictures!

Shinjuku.

Last Monday I went to Shinjuku (a really busy part of Tokyo. There are business areas and shopping too. Very exciting.) with a friend. We went to eat at one of the few decent Mexican food restaurants in Japan. (she ate Mexican food, I improvised my own meal. Haha) It was a nice time. It's been a while since I'd been in Shinjuku. I like the place. Monday was really nice weather too, and I took some pictures of the buildings and the sky. It's kinda fun. So I decided to share.

Two pictures are of the first Krispy Kreme's in Japan. It's really popular, and it always has huge lines. Can you imagine, standing in line for over 40 minutes for donuts? It's the minimum wait time there I think. Somehow, I just don't think they are worth it. haha. When it first opened, the lines were even longer. Over 2 hours!

Gingerbread House

Last weekend was Gingerbread House. This is one of my Children's Outreach events. They come on a Saturday and play games, have some snacks, and then they hear a Bible story. I want them to get some exposure to the Bible, and have good memories of being at a church. Jenae, one of the missionaries who lives in Tokyo, came and helped out. She's really good with kids. And Fumi took some pictures for me. I do this event at least twice a year now. Here are some pictures!

いい天気だよね！

Wow, today is one of those really nice, beautiful days, that make you happy to be alive. It's wonderful.

Today I went to my student's house. His wife makes crafts from old kimono. She's really good, and today she was having a gallery of sorts at her home. So I went with another student from the class to go see it. It was nice. Afterwards we went to lunch.

On the drive, we saw many beautiful flowers and it was just a beautiful day in general. The temp is just perfect! I saw a beautiful walkway lined with blooming dogwoods that I woud like to go back and walk along sometime. Unfortunately, starting tomorrow it's going to be rainy for a while. Maybe I'll be able to make it next week.

So my first class today is a class of gardeners. We talked about flowers the whole time. We saw some beautiful pictures and heard good stories. One student brought me some bluebonnet plants. I had given seeds last year as souviners from Texas. They are just starting to bloom, so now I have my own bluebonnet plants for in front of my house! Horray!

After class we went out to my house to check out the flowers there. I don't actually garden at all, one of the church members who likes to garden, but lives in an apartment takes care of it for me. It's a happy situation for both of us! We spent about half an hour of our Bible study time looking at flowers. But it was really good. When we went back inside, instead of reading our scheduled text (we are in 2 Samuel, David, war, etc) I decided to change it up. (the change was just too big!) So we read Psalm 19 instead. I really love the description of God's handiwork and the beauty and awe it inspires. It was a good way to share a different aspect of God's character.

Then I walked to get my "lunch". It was such a nice day, I ate cold ramen for the first time this year! Horray! I also bought some little ice cream snacks to eat. Ahhh... such a nice day... I'm happy.

These are pictures of flowers around my house and church.

Pictures!

Well, here are the pictures from my trip to America. I finally finished editing all of them and uploaded them to the web so I can post the slideshow now.



In other news, I just got back today from my second visit to the dentist. The good news is that I haven't had to had anesthesia either time and neither time hurt. This time was even cheaper than last time. I am so far satisfied with my trips to the dentist. I still don't know exactly what my problem is, but the dentist took out my filling (the problem was in a tooth that was already filled) and then somehow applied medication to the tooth. Then put in temporary fillings. He put in more medicine today. It looks like I'll have one more visit next week for medication, and then the week after that should end up with a permanent filling put back in. That's a whole month of dentist visits! wow!

Moving on to more interesting things... Work is going well. I have 23 classes this year (plus 5 Bible studies) and 63 students (plus 8 or so who only come to Sunday Bible class, the number changes every week though.) I'm a little busier than last year, but I don't have to go to meetings in Tokyo anymore, so that helps out a bit. And this week I was able to start studying the Bible again with my pastor. We do it in English and Japanese, so it's a good chance for me to study Japanese a bit more, and learn some of those "Christian words" in Japanese. During the fall it's just too busy to do it, but spring is a little more relaxed.

This weekend I went to a birthday party for two girls I know. It was quite the event. We went to an Arabian themed restaurant. It was really elaborate. I wish I had pictures, but my camera was out of batteries. There were 12 or 13 people in the end. It was fun. I got to walk home with Sensei too. We had a nice conversation. Speaking of Sensei... It's been really exciting lately. One of the members of my church here has become a fan of the band, and she made friends with Sensei. It's been really good. She even brought him to church week before last! As we were walking home he told me he is going to come back to church. (he draws people's faces, and he did that for the Sunday School Kids, and I think he's going to come back and do it again maybe. But then afterwards, he stays for church.) I wasn't sure what he thought of church, but he said it was interesting and not bad. So I'm glad he didn't have a bad experience. And some of the church members recognized him from when he played with the band. This is really super exciting for me! God is good.

It finally feels like spring is here. It's great. Not just weather wise, but in general. I feel like a lot of relationships that had been in "winter mode" are now in "spring mode", growing and opening up again. It's wonderful how God uses seasons of our life.

I'm learning more and more how to deal with tiredness and such in my life. Hopefully soon I'll be able to do more with my time (like keeping my house clean, and e-mailing more people.)

Well, I think this is good for today. Hopefully soon I'll try to put up the pictures I took on my trip to Hakone. Those are some fun pictures too.

Finally done with travel

Wow. It was a bit of a crazy spring break for me. Two trips packed into a small space. But it was good. I am back safely from my trip to America. I meant to post sooner, but as soon as I got back, I was busy again. I was so busy in fact that the jet lag couldn't even kick in until Monday. Haha.

The big news is how much God continues to bless and provide for me. I am now the proud owner of a new laptop. Not only that, it's another VAIO, which I love. My wonderful church in America, who so generously supports me, raised enough money to replace my poor dying laptop with a new one. Buying it was quite the adventure, but now everything seems to be fine again. I am always so blessed by that church and everyone there. I am so thankful for all the support.

So now, I have no excuse for not updating as often. I have to figure out a bit of the fun things you can do with the new Vista, and finish transferring some files, but hopefully I'll be back at 100% in no time. Of course, that's assuming I have time. Haha. My teaching schedule went up again this year. I am now the proud teacher of 23 classes a week, and 63 students.

Hmmm... Anyway, my trip to Hakone, Odawara and Yokohama with Aya went really well. I'll put up some pictures once I get them on this computer. It was a really great time. I think it was the first time I have ever been on a "road trip" with a friend. We were a good match. We both like very similar things (like samurai and ninjas...) and she was very patient with my inability to communicate past the level of an intelligent 5 year old. haha. But she's good with kids, so that probably had a lot to do with it. Haha.

My trip to Texas was also good. By that time I was pretty exhausted from travel and work, but I did manage to get some sleep in there. The biggest shock for me was to go from living alone to sharing a house with six other people! My brother came down with his family to visit while I was there. I had the unique problem of having jet lag, waking up every night, and not being able to move from my bed because I had two sleeping children (very cute sleeping children I might add) in my room, and my brother and his wife were in the living room. Next time it might be better for me to sleep in the living room so I can at least get up and move around during the night. hahaha.
There wasn't nearly enough time though. I just barely missed one of my friends who made it back to Texas the day I left. But I was totally a bum and I didn't contact anyone else. Sorry! I was super tired and there just wasn't a lot of time.

Well, I think that is all for this update. Today I have to go to the dentist again. fun. It seems there is something wrong with one of my teeth. I have no idea what the problem is as the name of the condition was given to me in Japanese and it's not in any dictionary I have access to for now. I think I might be having a root canal, but I'm not sure. I think the root, or nerve or something inside my tooth is dying, and leaking out or something. Anyway, he has to drill and remove it, but I guess it's gonna take three visits to get it done. Not happy about that. Actually, I just really hate the local anesthesia. And I have to teach with that stuff in my mouth! Fun stuff. Ah the joys of medical problems in a foreign language. You learn a lot of trust. haha. At least the insurance is good.

Well, ok, because I need to go to the dentist, I need to stop writing now and get ready to go. I will try to put up some more pictures soon. The first two pictures are on my way to America, sunrise in the plane and a beautiful sunset that God blessed me with once I got home. The last two are from the bus I was riding home in Tokyo.

Keeping up

So, turned out the cold I had was much worse than I thought it was. Last week, I ended up loosing my voice for a whole day, and in danger of loosing it for most of the week. Very sad. Even now, I'm still wating for my voice to get back to normal. I'd like to be able to sing again!

In random news, I found out from a student a theory of why medicine is so weak in Japan. Apparently the government is very strict about what kind of medicications they allow into Japan. If there are even small side effects, it's not likely to be allowed in. So, much of the medicine is weak. That, and difference in physique.

So the good news is that I'm finished with all my classes but one. I still teach this Friday. This means, since today is Monday, I don't have class for three days, and then I come back to teach one day. This left me with a really strange spring vacation. The solution? A short trip with one of my friends. Starting tomorrow, I'm going on a three day trip with a Japanese friend. This will be fun and exciting for me. This might be my first "road trip" with a friend. And it might be my longest time spent only in Japanese. We'll see how long I manage to last! Haha. Please look forward to the awesome pictures I'm sure to take!

This spring break, like most spring breaks, looks like it's going to stay pretty busy. This week is my mini-trip. Then come back, teach for one day, then Easter, one day off (probably spent packing) then it's off to America for a quick trip. There's a lot I need to pack into that trip too. I just hope I get some time to rest in there too. Travel can be fun, but it's certainly not restful for me. But, I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway, here are some random pictures. First is a nice sunset in front of the church. Second is one of my students with his head in his bag. Yeah, I don't know why his head is in his bag. Last picture is of my house on one of the days it snowed this year.

Ok, I guess that's all for now. I'll try to post when I get back from my first trip. If not, it'll be when I get back from America.