Monday, July 02, 2012

My God is a Jealous God

"Amber, it'd sure be nice if we could spend some time together..."  a small voice tickling my consciousness...

"What?  Yeah, sure, gimme a min..." I answer, returning to checking my mail, or reading my book, or watching a video....

"Amber, I'd really like it if you would pay some undivided attention to me..." a note found in a conversation with a friend....

"Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to do that...." and I allow day to day life to take swallow me up again.

"Amber...  You know...  I AM supposed to be first in your life...."  yet another gentle reminder....

"I know, I know.  But I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do to make it that way!" and I go back to complaining about the weather and my aching body...

I complain I'm lonely, and I hear a sigh from somewhere.

I wonder why there is no joy in my life, even when I try to be more thankful and I feel the shaking of a head...

and slowly, but surely, doors begin to close.  Things that distract me are taken away.  My laptop dies a sudden death.  My roommate goes on a sudden, months long visit back to her parents (whose home has burned down in the Colorado fires...)  I have no more books to read.  I have no money to go out and "play."  I have no energy to go out and enjoy nature.  Even being outside for too long in the sun makes me sick.

And I get the sneaking suspicion...  God is trying to get my attention.

My friend even agrees, bringing up the subject today at lunch.

God is trying to get my attention.

I remember thinking before that it would be nice if God was pursuing me, but I think I had more of the image of being showered with blessings, and warm fuzzy feelings of being loved.

But when I refuse to allow myself to be captured, what should God do?  Like a jealous lover, He starts hiding the things that are keeping me away from Him.  One by one they vanish, until nothing is left but Him.

So now, I can continue to pretend I don't understand what's going on, or I can give Him my attention.

I can get angry because He has taken away things from me, or I can be flattered that He goes this far to get my attention.

I have no idea what the next few months are going to look like, but hopefully they will be spent with more attention on God.

So, for now, I will not have my own laptop (I have been firmly shown that it is impossible with my current budget to get a laptop at the time being.)  In a few days my roommate will leave to be with her family in Colorado (prayers please for the victims of the fires there.)  In one month I will be on summer vacation.  My internet time is slowly decreasing here.  So, I am having more and more time opened up for God.  Maybe I will be able to post some of the revelations of this time, but it is possible I won't be posting until September or so.  So please forgive me, for I have been neglecting the attentions of my Jealous God.  I will return when He is satisfied.