After a month of living alone again things have finally settled down enough for discontent to sneak up behind me and start whispering heartaches into the hollowness that is my heart.
It's only my second week back to work.
And I feel listless, numb, and just a little lost and a whole lot of lonely.
But there's no real concrete reason.
There never is. Just an ache that never really goes away.
So tonight I ponder a bit and feel like I'm a puzzle piece looking for it's puzzle. When I say I'm lonely, I sometimes hear well meaning suggestions.
Why don't you stay here? What about this place? Look there are a lot of pieces around you so why are you lonely?
And I just sigh in frustration a bit.
Because it doesn't click.
I'm looking for my place, where I connect with the people/surroundings around me. I'm not saying I'm looking for a place to be completely happy or fairy-tale like. I just want to click. I want to be in the place I was made for in community with the people I was made to be in community with.
There are many options and many look good or seem to be logical, but they don't seem to click...
Well, at least I feel like Japan is the right puzzle, but I can't seem to find my place in it easily.
Well life is not simple enough to be explained by something like a puzzle, and God is watching over me and I'm sure my discontent is me chasing after idols...
Tomorrow I will sing and dance and smile with toddlers and wonderful students. Tomorrow there will be sunshine and opportunity. Tomorrow is full of grace waiting to be poured out on me anointing me as a Chosen child, a bride of the Son.
But tonight I feel the blisters of old lies irritating my heart.
This is also proof of my struggle.
Thankfully grace automatically clicks.
And now I should go to bed before I fall asleep writing.
I hope this makes enough sense to click with you too.