So recently, I have been asked twice, by two different people, "What's wrong with America?" My family and my friends in America seem troubled by my lack of desire to return to my homeland. Well, I guess that's normal.
But I think the question is a bit off. I don't think it should be "What's wrong with America?" (although there are quite a few things I could think of...) I'm not sure what exactly the question should be, but a better one would be "Why not America?"
Of course when my friends and family are asking this question, what they are really asking is, "What's wrong with us? Why don't you want to be with us?"
Of course, this is very difficult to answer. Of course, there is nothing so wrong with any of my friends or family that would drive me to another country to take refuge. This is not a question of what's wrong with what I left behind. It's a question of where is my heart.
My heart doesn't reject my family and my friends. I don't even think it rejects America. But my heart loves Japan. There are not enough words to explain my love for this place, these people. This has to be something like getting married. You leave your family and your friends to be with the person your heart loves most. You don't reject them. But you do have to make a choice.
I don't know if I will ever be able to make my family and friends understand. I can see the hurt in their eyes, the confusion and the non-comprehension. I love Japan. I want to live here for as long as I am able. If God calls me back to America, I will go, but I'm sure it will be with many tears and a heavy heart. But for now my soul rejoices that I can live here. God loves these people, more than I ever can. But I want to watch Him move in their lives. I want to be a Christian presence in a dark country. I want my family and friends to understand that.
I don't love them less... but I might love Japan more...
Is that wrong? Is that an answer anyone wants to hear?
I can only give my heart to God in response. Only God can judge what is right in this case. And I pray that those who love me, and desire me to be in the same country with them can forgive me for wanting to be elsewhere...
My heart is here... If I left now, I would leave it behind. Who can live without a heart?
What's wrong with America? Nothing more than any other country. Why do I love Japan? I can't answer that question either. But I do. One of the few things I know with absolute certainty.
But on days like this, I regret having to give somethings up for something that I love...