The contemplative streak continues. I think I might have already passed last years mark for blog posts and it's only March. Well, I'm sporadic like that.
Today I finished reading the Journey of Desire. I had many thoughts during the day. About what my desires are really saying. What my fears are telling me. What lies I believe in my heart....
My friend had just commented on my last blog. (Once again I haven't replied to her, sorry! *waves*) She was encouraging me. And I really really appreciate her words. It's good to be affirmed. It's good to be recognized.
But as with most things in life, you get in a few hits on your enemy, and then you end up taking a few right back. Today I was taking hits.
My commute home was particularly hard today. While trying to find out what my desires are really saying, I came across questions that don't have answers yet. And left myself open for assault.
My desire to not be single is perhaps at the core of things lately. Why do I want to find love? Because I want to be recognized and affirmed as a woman. Not by other women. I want to feel complete. I want to feel chosen. To be special. To be a treasure. And I want it to be from a man. Someone who will cherish me, and desire me, and walk with me and enjoy me and put up with me. Not from obligation, but from choice. Yes, the way God desires to be desired by us.
But why can't I allow God to fill me? That is the question that taunted me today. And I heard the answer.
Because He's God. Because I know and believe that God is Good. I was made and created by God. He is my Father. This means... He has to love me.
This is the same reaction I have to my parents' love. Of course I appreciate my parents' love. I have never doubted they loved me. And I am thankful for all they have done for and given me.
But somehow, because they are my parents, it's just different. That love doesn't care what I do, or how I fail. It doesn't matter if I am beautiful, because I am their daughter, I am beautiful to them. Because I am a daughter, I am valued.
But I don't want to be valued as a daughter. I want to be valued as a woman.
And so this is the dilemma I find myself in: How can I accept love and value from God, if it is His nature to give it? He doesn't give it only to me. He gives it to everyone. In a treasure room full of treasure, how do you value one small piece, when the whole room is full of equally valuable treasure?
And so the fight in my heart began again. Me trying to not kill my desire, but not allow it to rule me, or become an idol; The enemy trying to convince me that I am worthless, and dead inside so I should just give up. The ache inside my heart growing, yet dying at the same time.
I'm tired. My spirit left without strength.
I don't know which way is up anymore.
And that's when it hit me. Not the enemy, but a little chunk of clarity perhaps. I think it came from the bleachers. Bleachers? you ask. Yeah, I was surprised too. Suddenly I was aware that I was surrounded by bleachers. And guess what, you are sitting in them. You and all my friends, and lots of others I don't know. I catch my breath, and then realize I'm in the middle of a tournament. I can see other matches going on around me. Only, I don't know the rules. I'm not even sure what kind of fighting we are doing here. But I'm in the ring and my opponent is taunting me, trying to keep me from getting back up.
Oh yeah. I'm fighting for my heart. That's what I'm supposed to be doing, right?
Time to get back up I guess.
But my body doesn't seem to listen to me. My muscles drain of strength. I only hear garbled noise from the bleachers. And the jeering of my opponent.
Man, I'm tired. I've never been good at things like this. What happened to a few days ago? I remember cheering when I landed a couple of good punches. But now I'm on the mat. A couple of good punches don't count for much in the end.
But is this really what it's supposed to be like? Isn't this supposed to be a battle??? Where's the army? Where are the troops? Where's my armor and my weapons? Why am I in a tournament instead?
I watch a lot of anime, usually young boys' anime. There's always fighting of some sort involved. And in 90% of anime with fighting, it always turns into a tournament of some sort. One-on-one. Of course you have teammates. But you always fight one-on-one, with your teammates off to the side, either fighting their own battles or cheering you on and worrying about you. (It doesn't even have to be fighting, it could be baking even!)
But is that really what we are supposed to be doing?
A tournament is different than a battle. In a battle, you are dealing with chaos, and masses of enemies coming at you. But you aren't alone. You are fighting with your battalion. You have friends and formations to cover your back. You see a comrade in need and without thinking shoot down his enemy for him. And a different one comes and does the same for you. "A strand of three cords is not easily broken."
Wow. That was a smart move by the enemy there. Somehow we've been convinced that warfare is not the answer. Well, we are aware that we need to fight now. He can't do anything about that. But if you change the game a bit, we are at a disadvantage. Fool us into thinking the only way we can fight is in a tournament, and he's practically won.
All the strain and injury of a battlefield, but without the advantages.
That's trying to fight with only my own strength. And I think we've already established I'm not strong enough to do this on my own strength. I'm not smart enough to figure out all the answers. I'm not devoted enough.
I can't make it on my own.
Enough with this tournament stuff. I quit. Hey, you, the guy in the corner talking trash to me, I quit. Say whatever you want. I'm not listening anymore. I think I'm going to go find a machine gun, or a tank. Or at the very least, some armor and a sword. And pick me up a few troops while I'm at it. This fighting alone stuff stinks.
I'm not trying to win a tournament. That's stupid. I'm fighting a war.
What are you fighting?