Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Must be a heart condidtion.

 Recently it feels like I don't give mission updates to talk about life in Japan so much as I talk about anime or books I have been reading and reflecting on...

And in keeping with such trends...

There's a story re-visited lately.  (it's on going, so I don't know how it ends yet.)  It's the story of a girl.  She grew up with out a father, and with a mother who didn't love her.  There was no meaning to her existence if she wasn't perfect.  And of course, since no child is perfect, she often failed to meet her mothers demands.  She spent much of her childhood crying, or stressing over how to make her mother love her.  Eventually she gave up.  The only solace she found was at the place of her childhood friend.  Eventually, she innocently fell in love with her friend.  Everything she did was either to please her mother, please her friend, or please her friends parents, who often looked after her.  She put her whole heart into working for them.  Eventually, her friend, who rebels against his parents, asks her to run away to Tokyo with him so he can seek his fortune as a star.  She of course replies without hesitation.  She would follow him anywhere.

So she works for the sake of her friend, who she believes is her prince.  He quickly becomes a star, while she is working several jobs to support him.  Then one day she is faced with the reality of her situation.  He does not love her at all.  He is only using her as a maid and a servant.  Her pure heart was shattered.  The unselfish love and devotion she had poured out on him was scorned.  And in an instant her love became hate.  She swore revenge on him, and set out to enter the entertainment industry so she could  put him in his place.

She is now faced with a heart that is closed off to love.  Hate becomes her strength and her motivation.  But she catches the eye of the company president, who is a self-proclaimed warrior of love.  He makes it his mission to help her heart find love again.  She joins his company with the statement "Please help me regain a needed human emotion."

I like this series a lot.  It gives me a lot to think about.  It's cute and funny, but dark at the same time.  The main characters all have this big gaping holes in their hearts, and they try so hard to fill them.  The main character has many set back, but the losses help her find her true talent and help her to shine.

I'm reminded of myself so often.  I choose small, petty idols who will disappoint me and throw me away after using me and then after pouring out my love, time and energy uselessly, I become afraid and  lock up my heart so I can't be hurt again.  And I allow my life to be ruled by fear and hate.

I feel like the more I lock up my heart, the more it becomes filled with trash.

It's crazy when you look at the mountain of trash.  And I want to give up.  How can I possibly do anything with all this junk?  Where do I start?  Will there ever be an end?  And what exactly is that smell?

I get discouraged, and try to hide the trash behind closed doors.

But God is looking out for me.  God, who wants me to learn how to love - the needed human emotion - has planned things out for me.  Yes, it hurts if He takes away my idols and exposes them for what they are.  But, would I really have been happy in that false place, a place that was so small and weak compared to real life?  If the girl in the story looks back, can she really say she would have been happier living in the shadow of her false prince all her life, and never knowing that she herself could also shine?  Wasn't it the loss of that "happiness" that helped her find the path to her true calling?

And so isn't this how God leads me as well.  I can look back and see where things didn't go my way, and I was frustrated and thought I had lost my "happiness."  But if I had settled for those things, I wouldn't be living in Japan, I wouldn't have met the people important to me now, and I wouldn't be writing this insightful blog.
And looking back it's easy to see.

The problem is that it's so hard for us to see when we are in the middle of it.  When we don't get what we want, or when we are struggling.

We close off our hearts, cry, and blame God for our heartaches.

When really, my heart hurts because I locked it away.  Because I won't allow myself to love anymore.  Because I'm afraid I've chosen yet another idol who will betray me.

But one day...

I will rise up.

And I will move past these times, with a heart stronger and wiser that will open to the sky and truly love.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Delight in the Lord.  Not scorn.  Not distrust.  Not doubt.  Delight.

First, to open my heart...  I must delight in the Lord.

Recently, "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay has been on repeat on my music player.

Because this is what I know I'm missing.  And what I want to be able to do...

I want to fall in love with You.
I want to fall in love with You.
I want to fall in love with You.

It's not just on repeat on the music player.

It's on repeat in the depths of my heart.

I have a heart problem.

And it can only be solved by falling in love.  Not with an idol.  But with the Love of my Life.

Oh yes.

I want to fall in love with You.


Y Watts said...

Beautifully written as usual. Inciteful. And who knew you could learn a lesson about Love of God from an anime toon, or life's whatnots...

King's Scribe said...

Truth all through.

mama said...

a beautiful blog post, thanks for sharing.