It wasn't one particular thing. In fact, it was more like the accumulation of my summer, or maybe more like this season of my life... But I found myself in the middle of a field, tall grasses waving in the light of a sun thinking about setting. The sky was open and clear and big, like West Texas sky. I was in the middle, in the place where I've chosen to be for now. All around me were people I loved, who I wanted to share my life with me. But every one of them was in the process of moving away. Some north, some south, some quickly, some slowly, some moving towards other people, some just growing up and moving on. And suddenly I felt the tears spill over, mourning the loss of what was, of what is. Because the future is never the same as the past. I can't stop the flow of time. And I know God is good, and I know the future is in God's hands, but just for the moment, I mourn the loss of the present, for it will never come again. My throat tightens with this overwhelming emotion. I close my eyes, and more tears streak down my cheeks. Even now I still feel the trails, stinging slightly in memory.
I mourn the loneliness of the human condition. I cry because I know no matter how many people surround me, we are each trapped in our own loneliness...
I mourn the passing of summer into autumn.
At least for today.
But I know I can't mourn forever. Tomorrow brings new beginnings, new opportunities, new adventures and maybe new people to love. Tomorrow will not erase today. Tomorrow can't exist without building upon today. But I did love today, and the people who lived there with me...
It was a pretty picture in my mind, as I stood at a train station, listening to the same musician I have been listening to for 7 years now. But I cannot hold onto that picture forever. Reality is stronger, and I can not live in my tears.
I wonder what it will be like...
I remember other times when I wanted to hold on to my todays... When I was in elementary school, I wanted to live at school. In High School, I wanted to stay forever at the dorm I lived in. In college I wanted to live forever at the camp I worked at one summer. But after I left each place, and look back, I can see there was always a better place waiting for me as I matured. And I don't regret leaving those places.
But I still feel the melancholy of transition and the uncertainty of the future.
Yet, I know... My God will never fail me.
I remember Jesus mourning for Jerusalem, for the people he loved who would not love him, who would not see the truth. Jesus mourned for the pain that awaited him, for the lostness of the people, and maybe he understood loneliness then too. But Jesus knew there would be joy in the future. There would be many saved. But still, that moment, those people, that season, was worth morning over.
So this time, I mourn differently. I don't try to hold on longer than I
should. I mourn the passing of today, while waiting in anticipation of
So, summer has come to a close. I have gone back to work, my roommate has returned, I have been given a new computer. Summer was good for me this year. I spent some time with a community of friends, I spent time with God, I read books. I was encouraged, fed, rested and stretched. I'm still processing everything that has happened, and what it all means. I'm learning every day how little I know about my future. Every time I think I have a grasp on the situation, something else is left up in the air.
I waiting to see where everything lands.
Hopefully I'll be able to find more concrete words later to describe what I'm thinking.
But for now, I leave you with my picture, watching people move away from me, waiting for what comes next.
But the sky certainly was beautiful....