I'm tired. Not so much physically, but emotionally; spiritually. It's not so much that there is one thing wrong. I've just been doing the same things for a long time. It wears you down a bit. This is the longest job I have ever had. This might quite possibly be the longest time I have ever done anything. If you think about it, before I was always in school. Something changed every year. Then I started changing/moving starting in Jr. High. So basically, since Jr. High I have not been in the same place for more than 3 1/2 years. Even then, things were changing because I was in school. So. This is definitely my first long term experience.
Don't get me wrong. I still very much love Japan. I'm so glad to be here. But I'm winding down. Last year around this time, I was praying to stay in the same job for one more year. I thought I could do this forever. This year I'm wondering if it really was a good idea to stay another year. Well, I don't really doubt that so much. But I do wonder what I'm going to look like at the end.
It kinda feels like there is a huge lead rock in the pit of my soul. It just sits there. For now I can still stand and function. But sooner or later I'll cave into the pressure it puts on me.
So I'm waiting. I'm waiting for God to show me what to do next. I keep thinking about my future. What will I do after this? Return to America? Stay in Japan? What kind of job can I do after this? How should I be preparing for my future now?
So many questions. But I keep hearing one answer. Stand. huh? Stand? Yeah, stand. I think my job right now is to stand. I know I can't control my future. That is God's territory. I don't sweat the big stuff. Heck, I probably rarely sweat the small stuff. (the stuff in the middle worries me sometimes though...) So for now, I'm standing where God has placed me, waiting to see what happens next. If I fall down because I am tired, or the weight pulls me down, my job is to stand up again. Just stand.
I guess if anything this is my new theme for now. Stand.
Sorry, I guess this post was kind of cryptic and weird. I don't usually write things like this here, but that's where I am tonight. Tired, but relying on my stubbornness not to fall. Actually, I prefer honest representation anyway. Life here is not always wonderful. But I wouldn't choose any other way. Even if I'm not quite sure what the heck I'm doing.
Tonight reminds me of how young and inexperienced I am. I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm making things up as I go along. But it's all the quick fix type of things. I'm good at that. But the lasting, long term stuff. Man. That's where you need quality. And that's where I'm lacking a whole lot.
Pray for me. It's not a crisis or anything. But I'm tired and afraid of falling. Sometimes I know we have to fall. I'm ok with that, as long as I'm falling into the arms of my God. So please pray for me as I stand and wait. Wait for the arms of my Savior to wrap around me and restore me. Yes, I'm definitely looking forward to the restoration. That will be nice.