Last year I was given a guitar for my birthday by Sing. This wasn't the first time I've been given a guitar, but it was the most meaningful for me. I've tried to learn guitar several times, but never got very far.
This time seemed like it would be a similar failure for me. But this summer I decided to try once more. This time I've seen results. I can mostly play two songs now, and I'm working on a couple more. I've still got a long way to go, but I don't feel as hopeless anymore. Each time I pick up the guitar, I feel like I get just a little better...
But I've learned some interesting things from this little endeavor of mine. The two songs I can play are "They'll know we are Christians" and "Humble Thyself." These were pretty good choices for me, the first one I can play with only two chords, and both of them are in E minor, which is the easiest chord for me to play, and quite possibly my favorite chord ever. (I really love minor keys...) But this means, I have been repeating these songs over and over again trying to be able to play them decently. I've had lot's of time to meditate on them...
Recently I haven't been posting much. I've been in kinda a spiritual slump lately. I'm tired and easily discouraged by my financial and lack of time situations. It's easy to feel all alone, and get caught up in myself. That's always a bad thing. I don't necessarily like myself all that much, so it becomes problematic when I only think about myself. (haha) But God really blessed me this summer. He gave me lots of good quality time with my fellow Christians. And time with my guitar.
Sometimes it's so easy to look at the "church," the established, organized political bodies and get so frustrated. When people get involved, things usually turn messy. I don't know any church body that doesn't have its share of annoying and sometimes nasty politics and administrative problems. But it's so easy for me to get angry and frustrated with the church. I want to scream out, "where is the love?" "How exactly is this following Jesus???" "No wonder you can't get people to join, I don't want to be here!!!" type things at the top of my lungs. But lately something has been causing me to hesitate, and reflect again.
How am I different from the church? These very organizations that I am so angry and frustrated with are no different from how I treat people in my own life. I was playing the song "they'll know we are Christians" over and over again, and the words really began to convict me. They are so simple, yet so difficult to do.
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand... yet we fight among ourselves, and shun our fellow members, not to mention the very people we are supposed to be ministering to...
And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land... How much this land needs to hear that God is present and active here!!!
We will work with each other, we will work side by side,
We will guard each man's dignity and save each man's pride... I can't even begin to express the places where I see this not happening, in my own life and in the church...
And they'll know we are Christians, by our love, by our Love, They'll know we are Christians by our love... Maybe that's why so many don't know God... They can't see our love. I can't see our love. I can't see my own love...
There have been several people I've been talking with lately. People that I don't always think highly of or always respect the way I should. And every time I leave feeling humbled and shamed. Where is my love? There are so many people hurting, yet I only love those who are easy to love. The people I like, my friends. And even then, how many of my friends do I talk to about God? Am I really loving them??? How many people have I blocked my heart away from, and become cold to, using the excuse that I'm just not good socially at that kind of thing. Or they make me uncomfortable, so I just ignore their pain... Yet I get full of so called "righteous anger" when I see the church doing similar things. Congregations don't reach out to the lost and the hurting. They sometimes barely tolerate each other... But they are no different from me. Why should I expect them to do things I can't do? The plank in my eye is piercing my heart...
I long to rid myself of this critical spirit that sees only the negative in all situations. I want to stop complaining about petty things. I want to still my acid tongue that all too often spews forth unnecessary and uncomplimentary things. Yet, I feel out of control, unable to stop. My brakes seem to have been cut. Satan didn't even have to try so hard. Just start me going and cut the brakes. I'll take care of the rest myself.
But the second song provides soothing for my caustic soul... "Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord... Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord... And He will lift you up..." Those words, reminding me that when I give up my pride, and bow before my Lord, and acknowledge my weakness and my inability to change myself, He Himself will lift me up, offering me forgiveness and the grace and mercy that I cannot seem to offer to others.
Little by little my anger fades. I feel hope for change in myself. I pray that I can become a person who others around me know I am Christian because of my love. Little by little, I trust that God will refine me... But it's a somewhat painful and humbling process... rightly so.
In other lessons... My practicing has also become prayers for Sing, who gave me the guitar. My heart aches to see him. He is searching for something, missing something essential, but he doesn't know what it is. Or he doesn't want to acknowledge it. He has heard about God, but refuses to humble himself before Him. So I also pray for Sing when I play "Humble Thyself." I long for Sing to be made whole before God. Especially since Sing is so much better than me at loving people. Sing is on another trip for the whole month of September. If you feel so moved, please pray for him. That he might find God, and admit his need for salvation.
Anyway, this is my new blog entry. (I had really really wanted to go to bed and go to sleep, but it seems like it's not meant to be...) It feels disjointed and confusing (but then again, my mind is past the functioning correctly stage...) but most people tell me my posts make sense even when I'm not sure. I hope this one does as well.
Things are not as dark as they seem to be. I really am blessed, and God continues to bless me during difficult times. I'm humbled even more by God's faithfulness and kindness to me. Maybe I'll eventually be able to learn some chords that let me praise God more!
Now it's time to try to go to bed once again. Tomorrow might be another long day... haha. Might as well get used to it. ;-)
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