Wednesday, September 30, 2009

swirling within the confines of a page...

still on the same page
what do I do?
how do I draw
closer to you?
still on the same page
unable to turn
away from myself
my lessons unlearned
still on the same page
still so far
because my goal
is where you are
still on the same page
what do I do?
how do I draw
my heart to you?
I was looking in my prayer journal today. I don't do well at keeping up with it. I usually write when I'm inspired or distressed, more frequently the latter. But I noticed that the last time I wrote was almost exactly one month ago. I was searching for God.
Today I went to write. And I realized that I had nothing new to say. All the things I was worrying about in my heart, have already been written, many times in the poor little journal. Today was just another repeat of the same litany. And I realized. I haven't left the page yet. A month has passed. My external circumstances have changed. I thought that was what I needed. But my internal circumstances haven't changed at all. I haven't moved forward in the slightest.
I'm ashamed of this. My shame continues to build. My own heart condemns me. And the cycle repeats, adding to my feelings of shame. If I allow myself to be distracted, I can pretend to have a functional heart, but it's only a farce.
I want to break free. I want to escape the cycle. I want to turn the page. I want God's hand to rescue me. So often I feel like my cries fall on unresponsive ears. But after the shame and frustration, I have to remind myself, that God is good. If He is unresponsive, then that is for the best. I should trust Him, even when I don't understand. But the feelings don't change. And the page doesn't turn.
I feel lost in a room of maps. There are so many maps to show me where to go, and how to get there. But not one of them tells me where I am. I can't use the maps if I don't know where I am.
So here I am again. Struggling against the confines of a single page... praying... waiting... crying... hoping... and trying, trying ever so hard, to trust...
Still on the same page...
What do I do?

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