Fullness of Life

I went to a celebration dinner last night for the missionaries who are finishing up their terms this coming April. Since I'm a recent Alumni, I still know most people. But there was one missionary who was new, and it was the first chance I had to meet him. So, he's a friendly guy. Real friendly. And nice. And he walks up to me after I've had a chance to relax with one of my friends for a bit (since as a rule, I'm not good in groups, I usually have all my walls up and don't make small talk well if I don't know the group.) This meant that my walls had partially come down. I was in a good mood, and saying whatever came to mind at the time. Poor guy. So he walks up to me and tries to initiate a conversation. It went something like this:

"I've heard so many wonderful things about you! All kinds of bells and whistles and joy and dancing etc." (I don't remember the exact wording, but those are what stuck out to me.)

Poor guy.

My friend and I were instantly laughing in his face. Because none of those are words that I would associate with myself. (He also made the mistake of trying to flatter me, which I don't take well.) Poor guy.

But it's interesting. I'm not a joyful person. I'm not an optimist. I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm a pessimist (I prefer to say pessimistically leaning realist.) But it's true that I generate a lot of negativity. I'm good at hard cold truth. Law is my friend. Joy is something I see in other people.

Yet, I miss it.

In my bible study last week, we had a question that I couldn't answer. It was "What truth has been revealed to you this year that you are not putting into practice?" I was stumped. I couldn't really think of anything. Usually with questions like that, my guilty conscious jumps right in and gives me a nice long list of things I did wrong, things I'm not doing right or enough and things I'm just plain not doing. But this time there was nothing. What did God want me to be doing? What was I doing wrong? What habitual sin do I need to overcome? It was a blank slate. So I went to class with the question unanswered.

A different question in the same study had also stuck out at me. It was about the verse where Jesus declares "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no one comes to the Father except through me." The question asked us to explain the difference between the three words, way, truth and life. At first I thought it would be easy. But when I thought about it, it was harder than I thought.

Finally I found somewhat of an answer. In Japanese you can use the word 道 ("michi" or "dou") for the word way, or path. It's how you get there, what you do, what you follow. Budou is the way of the warrior. How to be a warrior. In traditional Japanese culture you have lots of examples. Way of the tea, Way of flowers, Way of the sword... I can understand the meaning, but I realize that I often fall from this path from lack of sight on my part.

Truth was a much easier word for me. I'm good at truth. Truth is what is real. Truth doesn't change. Truth is absolute. That's a comforting support for me. Truth is the foundation. In this world where it's difficult to understand the things around you, a world covered with lies and deceit, Truth is very comforting for me. I find that this is often the only thing I have to cling to. I doubt many things, but when I find Truth, I never want to let go.

Life was the hardest. Life, means to live right? But what does that mean? Life. We all have that right? But not really. This is where things began to "click" for me. Going way back to the beginning of the post, were I was laughing because I am not a person with joy, what I was really laughing about was that I was not a person with Life. I live, but I am not often alive. I harden my heart to protect it. I put up walls, and I counter compliments with sarcasm. So often I feel dead inside. I think a lot of that is habits gained from years of clinical depression. It's how I protected myself.

But Jesus is The Life. What does that mean? Recently I have been searching for The Way to improve my relationship with Jesus. Learn how to love. To understand what it means to be one with Christ. The feelings and emotions that can't be found in Truth alone. That is Life. The Bible tells us over and over again that God wishes to give us the Fullness of Life. He doesn't want us to live as empty shells, huddling in a war zone of emotional scars. He wants to give us Life. Now.

I realized that this has been building up for a while in my life. This theme keeps coming back. Several months ago, when I was thinking about Fukushima, my friend sent me a blessing. Apparently I kept invading her thoughts when she was trying to pray and have her "God time." She is a wonderful friend who I have often envied for the Life that she shows and the love that she gives. So she send me the blessing so that she could have her uninterrupted time with God back. (hehe, see I'm annoying even when in a different country!!)

The blessing was about choosing Life. Since I was in the middle of trying to choose to stay or to go to Fukushima, I thought the blessing must relate to that decision somehow. But it didn't really fit, and I couldn't figure out what it was trying to tell me. Eventually, I put it out of my mind.

But then, after the Life revelations from above, the blessing came back to me. I read it again, and that was it! That was the answer to the question. (the first question of what truth was I not practicing) I was not choosing Life. I am living in the darkness of my enclosed heart, yearning for the outside, but unable or unwilling to make the effort to get there. And I suddenly realized that I desired Life. I desired to be life giving. I would like to be a good wife someday. I want to be the kind of wife that gives life to her husband. I would like to be a Christian woman who gives life to the people around her. Now I spend most of my time protecting my own space and my own heart. I'm too busy thinking about me to give to others. I judge them when they don't reach my standards and I often resent the people who do have life.

But I want Life. I want fulfilment. I want to be the person I was created to be. I want to embrace Joy in my Life. I want to become the person that the missionary told me about. Bells, whistles, joy and dancing. I want that.

this story is getting long huh. Haha. I can't make anything short. :-D

So that night I decided that I wanted Life. My goal was to become a life giver. The kind of person who could give water to a desert heart and help a flower grow. That's the woman I want to become. So I began a 3 day fast for that purpose. To begin the process of submission and learning that would allow me to become a woman of Life. (how wonderful to be a woman, the bringer and bearer of Life!)

Those 3 days were filled with many confrontations of my ugly nature. My judgementalness, my bitterness, my greed, my lust, my desire for worldly posessions, and the desire to run back to the darkness. I don't often feel hungry when I fast (I have plenty of reserves!) but I do want to eat. I think about food all the time. But it's not so hard to keep doing it. But I was tired this time. I got easily irritated with my students. I ended up with a terrible headache that I thought was going to cause me to throw up (I had one that made me throw up the week before, so I was kinda afraid of it, but since I hadn't had any food that day, it would have been difficult to throw anything up. But I never knew you could be so nauseated without eating anything!) But I stayed with it until the end. All during an insanely busy week when I am trying to prepare for Mako's birthday with everything else going on. I was tired, and wondering how I was going to make it through the end of the equally long and busy weekend. After midnight I ate some of the food that my mom had sent me that week. Velveeta shells and cheese is probably not a good way to end a fast, but I don't worry so much if it's only been three days. ;-) I went to bed happy to have ended the fast and hoping to have enough energy for the next day.

Saturday I had a BSF fellowship event, I needed to go get the cake for Mako's birthday (I had been asked to choose the cake! Baskin Robbins ice cream cake was the final decision!), and then it was a Live event where we would also celebrate Mako's birthday. Sunday I knew I would teach Bible study for the first time in a long time and then go to the celebration dinner in the evening. And then work on Monday. No time to really relax and let down.

But I woke up Saturday with anticipation and energy. Completely different from Friday. I prayed for Mako and the day before me. I prayed for life and joy. And the day was amazing! I had a good fellowship meeting, the cake didn't melt. The Birthday presents were finished and gathered. There was a girl with her two children there, a 1 year old and a 1 month old. I got to tickle and bounce around the 1 year old, and I was able to hold and cuddle the 1 month old. New life. And we all gathered to celebrate the life of Mako. It was beyond what anyone had expected. You could feel the joy in the room. It was full of life. I felt like it was my birthday I was so happy!



I woke up the next day still smiling. And the joy has continued. I went to the celebration dinner, which in previous years I would have dreaded and been stressed by, and I laughed with my good friends until I cried. And then I did it again. (there was the small matter of me being amazingly rude to the poor man who tried to get to know me, I'll have to apologize for that.) God had already began the transformation.

How quickly He pours out His blessings! These past two Days of Life have been wonderful for me. I can only pray that I can learn from them, and keep the lessons close to my heart. This is the woman I want to become. I want to laugh freely, so that the tears running down my face water the desert hearts around me, so that they too can also smile. I know there will be many ups and downs before me. But I hope I don't loose the way too often.

And in the end, isn't it amazing how the two questions answered each other?

What TRUTH has been revealed to you that you are not PUTTING INTO PRACTICE (WAY)?

and the answer is LIFE.

The Way, The Truth and The Life.

All who come through Me will reach the Father.

Time to move forward and truly Live my Life.

If you love me...

Check it out! I'm on a blogging roll! Well, I just go in spurts. Here's to a year's long "spurt!"

Anyway. So yeah. I have to admit it. I watch anime. I don't watch it as much as I used to. I actually run out of time for things like watching TV or anime. But sometimes I get the chance to watch it. Over the winter break I watched some anime. Good times.

Most of the time anime is kinda shallow and silly. But sometimes, it can really strike a chord with me.

So recently I've noticed a theme in a lot of love stories in anime. Two people will be together. Then something will happen that casts one of them in doubt. The other person invariably struggles with this new information. What will happen to the relationship? What seems to make it worse is that the person being accused often doesn't even defend themselves. They just allow the other person to assume things. This of course creates all kinds of tension. But then in the end, when the accused person is found indeed innocent, the other always asks, "why didn't you tell me?" then the reply is always along the lines of, "well, I just kinda thought you would believe in me without it..."

That's a humbling thought. What is love? I'm not experienced in this subject. I might even classify myself as "love impaired." (I can hear Pamela sighing from here. hehe) But I want to learn what it means to love. Sometimes I learn from watching others. Sometimes I learn from fiction. But this fiction is echoed so often in Jesus' life.

So many times, over and over, Jesus turns to someone close to him, and I can only imagine the hurt in his eyes as he says, "I thought you would believe in me... Where is your love? Where is your trust?"

ouch.

If you truly love, you will trust. If you truly love a person, and know his character, no matter what anyone else says or accuses, no matter the external circumstances, you will believe in and trust in that person. That is true love. Unshakable faith.

How often we fall short! Heck, I'm not even close!

But the good news is that in the end, all is forgiven, and the doubter is given a new chance, and the relationship has become just a little stronger.

Love is pretty amazing. Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing as strong as love.

Awesome. :-)

Back to work.

Today was the first day back to school. Despite being cold, half awake and having a headache left over from yesterday, I still remembered to take my camera to school today. Good thing too, because it was a beautiful clear morning and I could see Mt. Fuji from the bus windows. So here are a couple of bus window pictures! :-D

There were of course no classes today. Just an opening ceremony and then some cleaning. Then kids do club activities and teachers have some meetings.

Here's a little taste of a Japanese opening ceremony. (yeah, there are ceremonies for everything in Japan. They love them.)


Here the kids are all gathered and waiting for the official ceremony to begin. They are lined up according to class and are separated into alternating lines of boys and girls. Of course they have to wear their uniforms for the opening ceremony. (other times they are generally allowed to change into their jerseys, which are of course, all the same.) We had the ceremony in the gym. It was pretty cold. I could see my breath the whole ceremony! I felt sorry for the kids! I was wearing at least 3 layers plus my fuzzy fleece.



The vice principal starts the ceremony with the opening remarks, which roughly translated was, "The opening ceremony for the third trimester of the 2009-2010 school year has now begun." Simple, and to the point. Love it.




The kids are of course enthralled by the speech. (actually they do a pretty good job of sitting quietly. much better than in class.)




Next comes the school song, all three verses. Yeah, they are just as excited as American Jr. High kids here when it comes to singing the wonderful school song. On a side note, the accompanist is always a student!




Finally we get to sit down and listen to the speeches. *fun* and *cold*. Can't beat that! This is what I woke up at 5AM and traveled an hour for. Better than sitting at my desk though. Well, I did a lot of that too today.

After this was some cleaning of the school. In Japan students clean the school themselves. Well, kinda. They often play around instead.

Then the teachers had a lunch meeting, welcoming us back. It was fun and interesting. Then all the other teachers went to meetings and I sat at my desk playing with my new electronic dictionary. Eventually the teachers come back, and do whatever it is that teachers do to get ready for a new semester. I just sit at my desk.

Oh yeah. I did get a Christmas present from the school. They passed these out at the party that I couldn't go to. Here's my present! What is it???

Hello Kitty ear plugs of course! Just what I wanted! Standard equipment for any Jr. High teacher. Now I can use them in class when the kids get too loud. j/k

But actually the case is really cute, so I might find a use for that. :-D

The Beautiful Letdown

I can hardly believe that it's been two months since I have last written here. It feels so much longer, yet short. I think I'm living in a time warp right now. Haha.

So much has happened, yet not so much has changed.

I'm sitting here on my second to last day of winter break with my first major migraine of the new year.

It's been a good break. Time to get back in touch with people and catch up on communications. Unfortunately the cleaning didn't happen. We still have tomorrow. Maybe we'll be able to re-arrange the living room to a more comfortable place.

So here's a nutshell update. I'm not moving to Fukushima. I joined a group called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and I'm going to try to grow here, and learn to hear God's voice in the circumstances and communities He has graciously given me here. I guess I got a kind of wake up call, that I shouldn't just take the easy way out and that I really need to maintain the things I have here, at least for a while longer. So. That's the plan for now.

I've felt a lot of peace since coming to that conclusion. The future still seems foggy and difficult to see and understand, but I no longer feel like I'm going to be pulled under by hidden currents.

Even though I feel peace about the Fukushima choice, life still has a way of wearing me down. I'm tired a lot, even though I'm not really doing so much, or getting anywhere. There's a nice phrase in one of the songs I listen to that describes it well. It's like "swimming in a sea of peanut butter." You spend a whole lot of effort and don't get very far. Good news is that it's easy to float in peanut butter. ;-)

Today I was able to talk to one of my good friends for a while. It's really good to have friends like that, who support you and can lift you up. I wish it was easier to stay connected. But today we were supposed to be cleaning our house. But I ended up with a headache. After my conversation with my friend, I ended up having to go to bed to try to sleep it off. I'm sitting in the middle of winter, wrapped up in lots of blankets to stay warm, with an ice pack on my neck to help with the headache. The ice packs seem to be the only thing that does any good with these headaches. But really, hot water bottles at my feet and ice packs on my neck? Does this seem insane to anyone else? haha.

After a few hours of abandoning my poor roommate, I come out with my head feeling a little better, but moving and light quickly makes it worse again. :-( It's easy to get discouraged, and wonder, is this all I really have to look forward to? Pain that sends me to bed and keeps me from doing the things I want to do, the things I need to do? It's somewhat depressing. There's also a lot of discouraging news lately. Marriages in trouble, financial problems, things ending... But there's hope too. Other friends getting married, babies on the way, new starts. I guess it balances out.

But a lot of times I feel like a spectator watching other people's lives go by.

so I was thinking about all these things tonight, while waiting for my wonderful roommate to cook our dinner. (Chicken and veggie soup, wonderful!) I put on my music and this song came up.

The Beautiful Letdown by switchfoot.

It was a beautiful letdown,
when I crashed and burned
when I found myself alone
unknown and hurt
it was a beautiful letdown
the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do

in a world full of bitter pain, and bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in,
fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here, I don't belong
I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross and song
where I don't belong
I don't belong

it was a beautiful letdown
When you found me here
yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
that's what I'll forever be
and though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
in the rising sun
in our dark water planet still spinning
in a direction no one wins
no one's won

see, I don't belong here, I don't belong
well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross with a song
where I don't belong
I don't belong here, I don't belong
no I don't belong here, I don't belong
I'm gonna set side and set sail
for the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
won't you let me down?
my foolish pride forever let me down

ah, easy living, you're not much like the name
easy dying, you look just about the same
would you please take me off your list
easy living, please come on and let me down

we are a beautiful letdown
painfully uncool,
the church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
what a beautiful letdown
are we salt in the wound
hey let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here, I don't belong
it feels like I don't belong here
it goes like I don't belong here
I don't belong, I don't belong
won't you let me down, I don't belong
c'mon and let me down, I don't belong
you always let me down, I don't belong
so glad that I'm let down, I don't belong
c'mon and let me down, I don't belong
'cause I don't belong here
won't you let me down

This song does a good job of expressing the things I'm feeling right now. I think a lot of my discontent lately has been because I've been trying to find my identity. Who am I? What am I doing here? What am I supposed to be doing? But in my search, I try to find my identity in my job, or other people or outside circumstances. But those always leave me frustrated. I was able to meet one of my good friends during the break, and she is famous for her "sermons." She wasn't even actually "sermonizing" at me, but she said something that just cleared up so much for me. She said that we have to find our identity in God. When we search in other places, we will be frustrated. But if we have a firm identity in God, then our circumstances don't matter. I want that. I'm tired of being lost and looking in the wrong places trying to figure out who I am.

So just like the song, I've realized once again that I don't belong here. It's so easy for me to understand this. I'm a foreigner. I don't belong here. But I know now that it doesn't matter where I go, I will never belong here. Because this is not my home. The things of this world can't make me happy. They can't fulfill me. No matter how long I search or how much my circumstances change. I will never be satisfied. That is the beautiful letdown. I will never be perfect. I will never stop disappointing those around me. There will never be the final "click" that makes everything right. Not here anyway.

I don't belong here. But for now, I do belong here. And that's the grace. I can continue swimming in this sea of peanut butter, in this world where I don't belong. But it's not forever. There is always hope. This world is not forever. This world will end. And I will finally be where I belong. And now somehow the peanut butter doesn't seem so bad. :-D

I love Jr High

Sometimes my job can be frustrating. Often it is amazingly boring. But even so, I find that I really like my job lately.

I'm finally figuring out a bit of the balance between discipline and loving the students. I've been able to start developing relationships with some of the students, and it's so great to watch kids who weren't doing anything before, suddenly working hard and doing their best. I want to be a teacher who makes kids feel loved. Who inspires them to be better than they were before. Personally, I don't care if my students ever learn English. But I want them to learn how to be better people. The only way I have to reach them is by teaching them English.

I've been very encouraged these past few weeks with kids who are suddenly working harder than before. Kids who are trying and pushing themselves. I love my kids.

There are several problem kids in our school. Kids that no one really knows what to do with. And there are the "weird" kids too. (the weird kids seem to like me! Go figure.) I want to reach out to them. I want them to know they are loved. I want to love them and encourage them. On days like this, I hate the thought of moving, because I want to stay with these kids a bit longer. If I leave who will take care of these kids in my place? Who will praise them, and tell them that they have worth in this world? My heart is torn.

Today the number one problem student in the first years gave me a calendar he designed. He doesn't do anything in class. He can't get along well with the other students. But recently, I've been praising him every time I see him. I ask him if he'll try to do something in class. He hasn't done anything yet, but the ice seems to be melting. But he likes computers. He designed a graphic and then made it into a calendar. He's been making them for some of his teachers. I was happy when he offered me one today.

I feel so powerless sometimes. All I can do is ask for God to watch over these children.

It goes to show that I can find purpose even when I'm not working in a church. When I was in college I wanted to do Jr. High ministry. Looks like I've found my Jr. High ministry. Nothing what I envisioned it to be, but, it's still so important.

I like kids.

In other random news, I forgot to write the other day that Sensei has stopped smoking! He had given up smoking for one week for the praise service. And on that day, he decided to give up smoking for good. He's so awesome! Once he decides something, he really goes all out. I really respect people who can put so much into stuff.

Anyway... I'm tired. I've had a cold this week. I need to shower and go to bed. But I felt like writing first. That's all. Time to stop rambling.

Still waiting for an answer about Fukushima. But not nearly as stressed anymore.

Processing

I received another comment today on one of my posts. I'm always a bit surprised when I find that people have found my blog and are reading it. I was even more shocked today to discover that I have 7 followers (and only two of them are people I know in person! This is also not counting the people I know read the blog, but who aren't listed at followers.) I guess this means I should update a bit more often. :-)

So recently lot's of things have been happening. (this is a long processing, and I'm starting at the beginning here...) After I finished my job as a missionary, I found a company and started working as an ALT. At that time, it was very important for me to stay here where I had already built up relationships and friendships. As I started working in the secular company, I found that I felt isolated and lonely. I went to work, commuted long hours and came home to an empty house. The only thing that kept me going was seeing the band on Saturday nights. But even that had started to feel a bit hollow.

Slowly I came to the realization that I was stagnating here. I had no purpose, no ministry. I'm originally a lazy person, so when I don't have a program or a ministry to be responsible for, I slack off easily. The band wasn't enough to support me. I also needed to be connected with a Christian community. I still had contacts with former co-workers, but because I didn't have money for transportation, I was rarely able to meet them. The lack of money and community began to take its toll on me.

Then I got the suggestion that I move to Fukushima to live with a former co-worker and do ministry there. I could work as an ALT while she worked at the church. I had been offered chances to move before to Niigata, but I had never felt it was right, so I always refused. This time, I surprised myself by saying I would go.

Circumstances changed a bit, leading to me getting a roommate, and then it being said that a different co-worker would also move to Fukushima. I started to loose my certainty about going. I started worrying about it, and praying about it. (more worrying than praying I confess.) I was torn. Suddenly, I didn't want to leave all the things I had built here. I didn't want to leave the band, I didn't want to leave my students. I didn't want to leave my roommate. But at the same time, I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted new air, fresh adventure and change.

So now the deadline for me to decide one way or another is quickly approaching. This has increased my anxiety quite a bit. Last week I was praying about it. Wed, on the way to work, I suddenly felt an urge to fast. I was a bit surprised, because I had already eaten breakfast. I was wondering "is this really ok?" But the urge didn't go away, so I told the school I wouldn't need lunch that day. (they are getting used to me not eating sometimes now.) So I prayed and journaled, and still wasn't finding any answers.

On my way home, I started listening to my MP3 player. I have some Christian songs, and lots of band songs on the player. The song that came on is one of the band's new songs called "Smile." Part of the chorus is a repetition of "Why don't you smile for me?" in English. As this song was playing, I could feel God speaking to me. Why wasn't I smiling for him? Why did I worry so much? Of course my worry didn't please him. God desires my love and praise. He doesn't need me to figure things out or to have all the answers. He wants my love.

I was humbled, and suddenly felt released from my fast to eat dinner. (Shortest fast ever I tell you.) So somehow I felt a bit more peace, even though I didn't have any more answers.

Last week I had told Sing that I was 99% certain that I was moving to Fukushima. He was a bit shocked. Some other people are also starting to move on with their lives. I told him he's a bit like Peter Pan ruling Neverland. Lost Children come and can live and be loved, but eventually they grow up and leave Neverland. You can only be a Lost Boy for so long.

Yesterday we had a really long conversation about it. I had to tell Sing about what had happened Wed. I really didn't want to, because Sing has been telling me to smile for years, and I hate it when he does. His motivation is totally different. I resist Sing's message so much, because it's hollow and empty. But Sing was of course slightly triumphant when I told him that God used his song to give me a message. He went a bit too far, saying that it was his message and not God's, but I think he knew what I meant.

But then he started asking me a lot of really good questions. Why was I going to Fukushima? I told him I wanted to get stronger. Why can't I do that here? Because I'm lazy and too tied up with things like the band. He kept having so many questions, but it all came back to, why did I have to go away to get stronger? Why couldn't I stay? He told me he needed me. I argued of course that he doesn't need me, there are plenty of people there for him. But he was insistent. In the end, he said that he needed to make me happy, and then maybe I wouldn't go.

Now you have to understand a little about my relationship with Sing. A few years back, I fell in love with the guy. But he was in love with a friend of mine. I gave up on that love. It was a painful time. But he never left my heart. Over the years, I found that I still loved him, but I was no longer in love with him. (I'm instead in love with a different band member, but also probably not a good thing.) I have spent so much time praying and fasting and praying for Sing to become Christian. I tried talking to him about it at first, but found that I couldn't. We argue instead of discussing things. I couldn't understand where he was coming from, and he couldn't understand where I was coming from. We merely frustrated each other. So we eventually talked less and less. Lately, we barely said anything to each other at all. There were new fans to take care of, and I had been around long enough that it wasn't really necessary to talk anymore I guess. But still, I felt very far away from him. I began to wonder what it was I was doing here...

Now suddenly, I tell him I'm leaving, and he tells me things like he needs me and he'll try to make me happy. A couple of years ago, that would have made me very happy. Now... I know they aren't true. They are hollow words. He can't make me happy, no matter what he does. He doesn't understand that happiness is not my goal. I want to be fulfilled. I want to find joy. I can only find those things in God. He can never give them to me.

It was a rather emotional talk, but today I find that I have more peace than ever about Fukushima. Leave it to Sing to argue for me to stay and actually push me closer to going.

I'm still not at 100%, but I think I'm at 99.5 now. I do need to answer the question if I'm running away, or if it's time for me to go. But the more I think about it, the more I can't see myself here next year. I don't want to leave Sing, but maybe it's important that I do. I can't do anything for him. He can't do anything for me. But Fukushima will help me grow and mature as a Christian. (and hopefully get over the one-sided love with the other band member, who fortunately for me hasn't been coming lately...)

I have been in Japan 5 years, and March will mark the end of 5 years in Omiya. It's been a good 5 years. But it might be time for me to move on.

For the first time, I'm daring to hope and be filled with excitement about the prospect of moving.

I want to become a more beautiful bride of Christ.

Son of David, have mercy on me. Hear my prayers. Guide my feet, and fill me with your love.
Amen.

Praise service

Today we had a special praise service at church. There have been attempts at it in the past, but things never seemed to fall together. But now we have "Sensei." Yang Sensei has been very quick in getting "Sensei" involved in things at church since he was baptized in April. He's been helping in the Sunday School, doing Children's messages once a month and doing a bit of performing after church sometimes. Today he was the worship leader for a praise service. Did I mention he was only baptized in April? God is good.

It was wonderful to see him lead worship. It was not what American's would picture as a praise service. It was more meditative, more Taize style, and just a little bit traditional Japanese thrown in. It was beautiful.

The Japanese was simple, so I could understand almost all of the songs. For the most part, it was very easy to follow.

I feel so blessed to watch Sensei grow like this.

I pray that God will continue to bless Sensei, and strengthen him, that he may also bear fruit someday.

Foreigners in a Foreign land

Usually I'm pretty easy going. I don't stress too easily. I don't often get hit with culture shock. I get along well in Japan. It's a good life. But sometimes, I get reminders that I'm an outsider, and will be for a long time yet...

Before, when I worked in the church English School, I was basically the only teacher. I did just about everything myself. Which meant I wasn't often bored. I was in control. That's always fun. :-D

Now I work in a public school. I live this rather odd half existence there. Half the time, I'm not sure why they bother to pay for someone like me. I rarely have anything to do. I'm not a full teacher, so I don't have teacher responsibilities. But I'm not a part time worker either, so I need to show up when the other teachers show up. I understand some Japanese, but not enough to know all that's going on around me. And of course, everyone is busy. It's not really practical to expect them to translate everything for me. When the teachers actually have time and are not stressed out and running around, they have fun casual conversations. They joke around with each other and tell each other stories. I can rarely join in. I am a staff member, but not really.
Even the students pick up on this. They like me for the most part, but they don't respect me as much as they do the "real" teachers. (although, I suspect that I get more respect than most ALT's because I actually attempt discipline.)

Like I said. Usually this doesn't bother me. But today it kinda made me sad. It feels... lonely.

I am living here, but I don't know if I will ever be fully accepted here, no matter how long I live here or how fluent I become. I love Japan, and that makes me sad.

But I can't just go back home either. I'm not the same person I was before. I have grown, changed my perspective. I don't fit in at home either. I don't see things the same as before. There is a gap in experience between me and my peers. I no longer fit.

I'm a funny shaped peg without a hole.

Well, that's not really new for me. I'm used to not fitting in and being different. Sometimes I embrace that. Sometimes I mourn it. (I'm guessing you can figure out which one I'm doing today.)

But it reminds me once again of a thought that I have often. This is a good reminder of what it means to be Christian. When we become Christian, we leave our old country behind and enter into a new and glorious Kingdom. We gain a new citizenship. But we can't enter it fully yet. We are waiting in our old country with our new passport and certificates, and we don't know when we can go in. But now we don't fully belong.

Sometimes we can hold a duel citizenship. Some countries let you do that. Some don't. But it's never the same. There are choices you have to make. The cultures don't match. You have to choose which to follow. The culture where you are? The culture where you are going?

We are stuck in a land of red tape, trying to live our lives here until our new ones begin.

There was a bigger, grander point to all of this when I started writing, but I've lost it. There's meaning somewhere burired in all this rumination.

But I guess for now, I'm left with a more real experience of what it means to be "in the world, but not of it." I wonder if Jesus felt like this too, living in this sinful world, in but not of it. Always present, but never really fully accepted. If so, then I can rejoice a bit, knowing that Jesus mourns with me, and I have a shared experience with my Lord.

The fresh breath after the storm

Today a typhoon hit Japan. It said in the news that this was something like the first typhoon to directly hit the mainland since 2007. I don't know so much about typhoons. We hear about them every year, but I guess the don't often hit directly. From this far inland, I can't tell much of a difference from when they hit and when they don't. There's lots of wind and rain in both cases.

Anyway, today the school was worried about canceling classes. They were talking about it yesterday, and we were supposed to wait for phone calls in the morning telling us if there was school or not. Problem is that they make the decision at 6:30. I leave my house at 6. :-( So I have to get up and get ready and get most of the way to the bus before they let me know if I have to go or not. Fun.

They called me, and said that school was canceled for the students, but the teachers needed to come in. So I kept walking to the bus stop (30 mins in the rain, in not so comfortable shoes, but the only ones I have that are sufficiently rain proof. I really need some rain shoes.) I get on the bus, and right before the bus takes off, I get an e-mail from my company, telling me that I don't have to go to school. I e-mail back and said that the school told me to come in. Bus starts, and I don't really have much chance to make a decision. I'm on my way to school.

First part of the walk, the long one, didn't get me too wet. There's good sidewalk in my area. But near the school, there are almost no sidewalks. The rain started to fall harder. Fortunately I had thought ahead and brought a skirt to change into, and spare socks. I had planned on getting wet. What I forgot was that the on the road to school, it's very easy to get splashed by passing cars. And there are lots of big trucks on that road. Yeah, I got splashed. Less than a 10 min walk, and I get way more wet than the first walk. Now what I didn't think to bring was a change of underwear. Yeah, I got soaked that much. Great start to my day!

Go to school, change clothes, laugh with some of the teachers about it. I like days when the kids aren't there because the teachers are really relaxed and we can usually eat together and I can talk more with them. It's a nice atmosphere. But when the kids aren't there, I have absolutely NOTHING to do. I brought a book. Been at school less than an hour when my company calls the school and tells them that I don't have to work. (seems to me that it would be common sense. the other part time teachers hadn't been called in. I live freaking far away, and I have to commute either by bus or train. Trains don't run in typhoons.) So they tell me I can go home. After all that. Time to go back out. Fun.

Problem being that my next bus didn't come for an hour and the wind was blowing really hard (rain had stopped though.) I wanted to ride my bike back to the station so I could save money and have it to ride in the morning(I had left the bike at the school the day before because of the rain.) So I decided to see if the wind would die down. I waited about an hour. The time for the bus came, but the wind was still pretty strong. The schedule I had said there would be other bus during the 10 o'clock hour, so I decided to wait a little longer. When I decided that the wind was just not going to get any better any time soon, I decided to walk/ride the bike. I left my wet clothes at work, changed into the better shoes for walking now that the rain stopped, and went out.

Turns out it wasn't so bad riding the bike in the wind. The wind was warm (morning was cold.) so that was nice. Going out, I notice tree branches and leaves littered everywhere from the wind. I actually like wind. Reminds me a bit of Texas, minus the dust. Made it in time to grab breakfast from McDonalds before getting to the bus stop. Only to find the schedule had changed and there was no longer a bus during the 10 o'clock hour. The bus really does run at the most inconvenient times for me. :-( Next bus? 11:35. I have an hour and a half. That's a long wait, so I decide to try the trains.

Get on the trains, which are all delayed or canceled because of the winds. I can actually get home using trains in either direction, so after some deliberation, I decide to take whichever train shows up first. It goes one stop, and then... stops. No trains are moving again. I wait for about half and hour and decide that it would just be better to go back to the bus stop and take the bus. Buses can operate in the wind. Trains don't like wind.

So I exit, (paying for a completely useless train ride.) and walk back to the bus stop, about 30 mins. I make it in time. But now there is a huge line. I'm not kidding. It was long. Everyone else wanted to ride the bus too, since the trains weren't' running. I wondered if we could all fit. Somehow we packed onto the bus. Quite the adventure.

Get back around 12:30ish I guess. I get a little something to eat and drink and head home. Almost 2. 8 hours later, very tired, poorer and accomplished nothing. Yes, adventures in commuting. But walking outside wasn't so bad after the rain stopped. It became a nice day actually. I took a nap.

Anyway, the main point wasn't to tell you about my day, as fascinating as that was (please insert dripping sarcasm here.) I had a nice little analogy that I thought of while coming home and seeing the after effects of the storm.

The whole week leading up to the typhoon (which happens to be the week of my birthday) was rain. I hate rain. It's troublesome and depressing. And I just don't have the right shoes for commuting in the rain. (I didn't commute so much before, so it hadn't been this big of a problem for me yet.) It's oppressive.

The typhoon comes in, stirs things up. Brings more rain, and then wind. But the wind begins to blow the rain away. After the rain, the sun comes out and the air is fresh. I love the air after a typhoon. It's so clear. The wind is refreshing to me, clearing out my soul. You can see the debris of the storm. Branches and garbage littered about. There will need to be some clean up, but it's easy to see where. Dead branches have been ripped off trees. Weak things torn off. It just feels like a new start.

It feels to me like how God moves through our lives. We get caught up in the dreariness of living in our rainy hearts. The air is humid and oppressive. Skies are cloudy everyday. Not hard rain, just persistent rain. Bringing our spirits down.

Then God brings His Spirit moving among us. Things get a little hectic for a little while, but that's what happen when you have something as powerful as God moving around you. But when it's over, the air is cleared. You can breathe again. You have some cleaning up to do. No one stands before God without realizing the need for "clean-up." But God has done some of the work for you, stripping of dead branches, pruning things that aren't were they belong, or overreaching themselves. Sometimes taking healthy parts too. Now all we have to do is pick up the pieces. Not as hard as pruning ourselves. But there is hope in the air now. Hope left from God's Spirit. The darkness has been chased away. Light shines again. And I smile as the wind frees my spirits.

I am tired and sore from today's adventures in commuting. But when I look back on it, it's not such a bad day after all. My spirit is just a little fresher, my breathing just a little clearer. It's good typhoons don't come everyday. But I do like the air after a typhoon.

Today wasn't a bad day at all. Praise God.

snapshots of my week

I took my camera to school last week and the week before to help some students with a speech contest. (two of the three girls placed and get to go to another speech contest next week!)

I decided to take some pictures to put up here. I have trouble putting up multiple pictures for some reasons, so please just bear with me. Enjoy!

School life

Some pictures from my school.

Starting with the entrance. Teachers and 3 year students go directly to the second floor. The rest of the students use the first floor.

When you enter the school, you have to take off your outdoor shoes and put on indoor shoes.



There's not so much difference. But that's what you do. In my school, all the kids have the same shoes as part of their uniforms. The shoes are white sneakers, but with color coded accents. The colors are red, blue and green, but I've forgotten which colors go with which years.

There is also a locker area for the teachers. We get doors on our lockers. The one picture is my locker with my name on it.

And then there is a picture of the sinks that are everywhere. I don't know why, but they are everywhere. You can wash your hands, get a drink, etc.

a hitchiker and the way home

Here are some pictures of my trip home. First we have sunset from the school entrance.

Next a couple of shots of my bus stop. It's more often dark than not recently. But now I can ride the train home at nights, which get's me home faster. Costs a bit more, but I like saving time too. Makes me less stressed. (and less bored waiting an hour for the silly bus.)

I ride a bike from my school to the train station (where I can catch either a train or the bus). One day I found a hitchhiker! (and I ride the bike for about 20 mins! I'm just impressed!) So cute!

Bibles and manga

I mentioned in the previous post that the Gideon's had come to my school recently. It was fun. I was greeted by some first year students asking me if I was a Christian. I told them yes, and they showed me a Bible they had just received. They weren't quite sure if they were allowed to keep it or if it was a bit too suspicious. I told them it wasn't suspicious, but if they didn't want the Bible I would take it and find it a home. One kid gave me a Bible, and one kid who didn't get one was like, "I want it." I spread word around that I would take any unwanted Bibles. Then one of the kids asked me "Who is Matthew?" I said "Jesus' student." "Who is Jesus?" What a wonderful opportunity! During the morning meeting the Principle made an annoucement about the Bibles. The schools are not allowed to promote religion (yet they were reading about Mother Teresa?) but since the Bibles were handed out before the kids entered school property, they were allowed to keep them (just not read them in class.) I told the teachers too that I would take any Bibles that weren't wanted. I ended up with a nice stack on my desk. I like the Japanese style of Bibles. It feels nice in your hands. One of the teachers seems a bit shocked that I wanted the Bibles. She was like "you will get so many! There will be hundreds!" Turns out, I only got 40 something Bibles. That's pretty good considering there's about 900 students in my school! I gave them away to some missionaries who were happy to get them. It was fun.

The other pictures is of this cool new Manga Messiah book series. They are telling the Bible stories in Manga form. This has been done before I know, but this time they did a good job! It looks professional and nice! It's quite believable. It's wonderful. Comes in English and Japanese. This is one of my Japanese versions of the old Testament. (a new one just came out this month. I can't wait to get that one too!)

books

This is a picture of the English textbooks we use at my school. Actually, I think all the schools in the city use the same books, but don't quote me on that.


Notice that they are thin and paperback. Not what I remember from jr high. But this is basically what all the textbooks look like. Some are a little more thick. But these are actually given to the students and you don't reuse them like we do with textbooks in the states.

The open page is a reading section for the second years. It's about Mother Teresa. I found that interesting. (same week the Gideon's came to our school handing out Bibles.)

swirling within the confines of a page...

still on the same page

what do I do?

how do I draw

closer to you?

still on the same page

unable to turn

away from myself

my lessons unlearned

still on the same page

still so far

because my goal

is where you are

still on the same page

what do I do?

how do I draw

my heart to you?

I was looking in my prayer journal today. I don't do well at keeping up with it. I usually write when I'm inspired or distressed, more frequently the latter. But I noticed that the last time I wrote was almost exactly one month ago. I was searching for God.

Today I went to write. And I realized that I had nothing new to say. All the things I was worrying about in my heart, have already been written, many times in the poor little journal. Today was just another repeat of the same litany. And I realized. I haven't left the page yet. A month has passed. My external circumstances have changed. I thought that was what I needed. But my internal circumstances haven't changed at all. I haven't moved forward in the slightest.

I'm ashamed of this. My shame continues to build. My own heart condemns me. And the cycle repeats, adding to my feelings of shame. If I allow myself to be distracted, I can pretend to have a functional heart, but it's only a farce.

I want to break free. I want to escape the cycle. I want to turn the page. I want God's hand to rescue me. So often I feel like my cries fall on unresponsive ears. But after the shame and frustration, I have to remind myself, that God is good. If He is unresponsive, then that is for the best. I should trust Him, even when I don't understand. But the feelings don't change. And the page doesn't turn.

I feel lost in a room of maps. There are so many maps to show me where to go, and how to get there. But not one of them tells me where I am. I can't use the maps if I don't know where I am.

So here I am again. Struggling against the confines of a single page... praying... waiting... crying... hoping... and trying, trying ever so hard, to trust...

Still on the same page...

What do I do?

Pharisee cleaning

In my entire life, no one has ever once accused me of being a clean person. I have never been confused with a neat-freak. I am messy. I always have been. Anywhere I go, I just explode. When I was younger, my mom had many terms for my room. "Trash Can." "Pig Sty" are just a few of the examples. I was never able to go and do anything extra, mainly because my room was never clean and I was always grounded.

Yes, I am messy.

I have lived alone now for almost 5 years. Before that I had my own room, and lived in a dorm on campus. I have never really learned how to clean and stay clean.

It shows.

And yet, I now have a roommate. She very bravely moved into my house. Now, I just have to give you a scope of my messiness. It's WAY worse than you are picturing in your head (unless you actually know me and have seen examples of my previous rooms). Picture something like, CPS coming to take away children messy. Humane Society taking away pets messy. Scary messy. I'm not really exaggerating either. :-(

It's amazing what you can get used to living in. When you are alone, it's amazing the kind of conditions you can accept as normal. Well, for me, it has always been this way. Living alone just made it worse. Well, bigger anyway.

But now I'm not alone. Now, I have another person who needs her own space, and has rights to live in a clean house.

This week was called "Silver Week" in Japan. We had a nice 5 day holiday. Many friends are traveling or had fun plans.

Me and my roommate? We are cleaning.

I hate cleaning.

But it's interesting sometimes.

My roommate, she's quite the industrious person. I have to work really hard to keep up. She is still working and going strong, so I find that I work way past the points I would have usually given up. (I'm also lazy btw)

She works without complaining. She cleans up my messes, and works hard. She is amazing.

I can see huge differences between her and me. I am usually of the opinion, if it looks clean enough, that's good enough for me. After all, it's an improvement of what I have been living in, right? Too clean kinda stresses me out.

But she started cleaning the shower this week. She worked very hard. Now there is a slight mold problem in Japan. (Slight being an overstatement.) Now, I had already cleaned the shower before this summer, so it has been cleaned somewhat recently. (I actually have no idea how often one should clean showers... As long as it's not too gross for me, I'll shower in it.) But the mold was starting to come back, so we decided it should be cleaned again. So she started cleaning. She used the regular cleaning and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. She worked really hard. But there was still mold stains. So we went on an adventure to buy special mold cleaner. She scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed some more. A little bit more mold came off. But that wasn't good enough. Today we bought MORE mold cleaner. And she scrubbed and scrubbed again.

I probably would have given up after the regular cleaner. I have no problem living with stains.

But then I realized that my way of thinking is very much like the Pharisee way. Clean the outside of the cup, without cleaning the inside. I always thought that was a stupid analogy, because when I wash dishes, I would think the opposite would be more logical. Clean the inside, but don't worry about the outside. But that's neither here nor there.

I guess all this rambling means that I have taken a good look at myself. I am messy. My outlook is messy. My heart is messy. And I'm lazy. I don't care about cleaning the whole cup. As long as it looks good enough, I'll give up.

But that's not what Jesus wants from us. He want's us to be clean. To have clean lives. He wants us to fight the mold that gets into our very souls. To go back time after time after time to fight the stains. He doesn't want us to settle for what's good enough. He doesn't want us to give up.

The Pharisee's had good enough. They didn't care about the reality of their situation. They were used to things the way it was. But they couldn't follow Jesus.

When I look at my own weaknesses. The fears and doubts. My inabilities. I know that this is because of my lazy, messy heart. But once again, God has shown me grace. He has given me more blessings than I deserve.

He sent me a beautiful girl with a servant's heart, who was willing to accept me as I was, messiness and all. She came into live with me, in a house most sane people wouldn't visit. But she didn't leave it that way. She is helping me clean. She is working and helping me change the conditions of my house. She models how to persevere and how to clean. She challenges me to a new standard. And she does it with no condemnation or criticism. She has accepted me, but is willing to help me change.

How amazing is that?

And the funny thing is, I think she would have tolerated me, even if I didn't change (or clean.) She didn't initiate the cleaning. I knew we needed to clean. I suggested it, and planned for it. But she's the one who silently starts before me, and works after I'm past my limits. She helps because I am willing to change, even when I'm unable to change by myself.

And so, I've seen a little bit "cleaner" picture of Jesus today. The One who loves us no matter how messy we are. And will love us even if we continue being messy. But who, when we say we want to be clean, will roll up His sleeves, and work beside us, cleaning the stains of our hearts.

There is still a long way to go for my poor house. We have one more cleaning day left, and I'm afraid there is still a mountain of cleaning left to do. Sometimes I fear the task will never end. I become completely overwhelmed by the size of the task.

But then I watch as she silently starts cleaning, and I am humbled, and I have the strength to push myself just a little bit farther.

I'm tired, frustrated and confused.

But just a little bit cleaner.

There is hope yet I'll become a disciple and leave these Pharisee robes behind. One cup at a time...

Just one headache after another...

Well, I like dramatic titles. ;-)

I don't know how much I've written about this topic here, but today I felt like writing about it.

I get headaches. Actually, I get a lot of headaches. I don't remember having all that many headaches before, but since coming to Japan, they have been dramatically increasing. (mostly in the past 2 or 3 years) At first I thought they were possibly sinus headaches, since they seemed to occur more often when the weather was changing. But I went to the doctor, had lots of fun tests (fortunately there is good health insurance here, so the tests did not cost me an arm and a leg like they would have in America. Closer to a manicure and pedicure...) and it was determined I have "beautiful sinuses." Well, that's good to know. (I even got a brain scan, so I can't claim that there's something wrong in my head anymore...) So we decided I have migraines.

fun.

Let me tell you.

For a while I got some medicine, but it costs nearly 100 bucks a month (for about 14 doses) and having recently changed jobs, I haven't been able to afford it. So I've just gone back to tolerating the headaches. Usually they don't interfere with things too much. But recently they seem to be getting worse. :-( Some months I can have as few as 5 or 6, but bad months leave me with 15-17.

When I get bad headaches, they almost always come with nausea. This is good for saving money and loosing weight, but rather annoying. Recently I just pretty much feel nauseated all the time. Yuck. I was hoping it was just the summer heat, so we'll see if that goes down soon. But the headaches have started increasing in intensity too. I've had three now that, although they didn't knock me off my feet (I've had only two do that, but fortunately on days when I was able to spend all day in bed and not miss anything important) were pretty dang bad. The last one being yesterday. And they also cause me to vomit. Again, not fun.

Yesterday just wasn't a fun day at all... :-( (I had been asked to stay after school to help students with speeches, which I don't mind, but I had had a headache all day long, and it caused me to miss my bus. Which meant I had to wait an hour for the next one and got home pretty late. Riding the bicycles and the bus didn't help so much either. By the time I got home, I was just miserable, threw up and went to bed. 9 hours of sleep was nice though. :-) )

Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of these headaches. I'm (kinda) trying to find out what causes them, but there are SO many things that might cause headaches that trying to find the triggers is very difficult and time consuming. There might even be several. They can be triggered by weather, food, stress, tension, light, noise etc. Basically living causes these headaches. Haha. It's also hard trying to figure out if these headaches are spiritual in nature or not. There's a lot of spiritual warfare in Japan, and I know of a couple of people who have experienced headaches as a form of spiritual attack. But praying doesn't seem to relieve me of mine.

So, usually I'm left at square one. With another headache.

(Prayers and/or advice appreciated.)

あたしの可愛いの生徒達。。。(My cute students)

So it's been a really long time since I've actually given a factual update for my situation here (for those who don't know me personally and might have been wondering...)

I am now working at a Jr. High School as an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher.) It's not a hard job, and I don' t have to do so much prep work or anything annoying like that. It was a bit of a "second" culture shock to see Japanese schools, but I'm getting used to it now. Hopefully in the future I might write a bit about that.

In Japan, Education is mandatory until the end of Jr. High. (most still go to High School after that, but it's not required.) Jr. High is the equivalent of seventh, eighth and ninth grades in the states. In Japan they are called first year, second year and third year of Jr. High. Pretty simple.

I teach at just one school, and I help teach all of the students. There are three first year classes, two second year classes and three third year classes. First years tend to be cute still, and more eager to learn English. We get along well together and I seem to be popular. Second years are becoming more bratty, and dislike doing work. But they are still cute, and when they put their minds to it, they do pretty well. The third years at this school are insane. Most of them don't like school and don't want to study. There are the really good students, and then everyone else. I think English might be the most hated subject among the third years. Haha. But there is still cuteness to be found. ;-)

The classes are actually primarily taught by the Japanese English teacher (in Japanese.) So many times I have no active role in class. So I end up patroling the classroom trying to enforce discipline. (this has given me a few kids who hate me.) Fortunately, I have overcome the need to be liked by my students. I of course like them regardless of whether they like me or not. I've developed a tough enough skin that there's not much these kids can say that's going to upset me. Hehe. I have fun with that. They don't really know what to do with me most of the time. :-D Just the way I like it.

Anyway, I do have plenty of kids who like me.

Today I went to a dance recital that many of my students were in. I think I recognized 5 girls from different grades. It was a nice recital. {Much less shocking than the first one I went to several years ago with completely inappropriate music for kids to be dancing to.} When I got there, I saw some of my favorite second year boys. They are nice kids, but they like to goof off in class a bit too much. They are a handful sometimes, but they are cute. So I went to say hi. They actually invited me to sit with them! I was very happy that they didn't chase me off. ;-) It turns out that they had already watched the (more than two hour long) dance recital in the morning, and were back to watch the second performance! I was told that at least one of the boys must like one of the girls in the recital. And his buddies came along. Talk about impressive. That's dedication. I mean, these kids have trouble sitting through class without talking and they sat through TWO dance recitals. Ah, the power of young love. haha.

After the recital it was fun finding the students in the recital and congratulating them. Most of them didn't know I had come, so it was fun to shock them. I was also invited to another dance recital of a different set of students in November. That was nice. My students are cute.

I really like meeting my students outside of school. For one thing, it's kinda fun to see them in street clothes. (they have to wear uniforms at school.) But I just like connecting with them.

Going all the way to school made my Sunday a bit long (it's about an hour commute plus 30 mins walking) but was worth it. I smiled a lot today, and got to see my students being cute and could praise them. On the bus ride home, God treated me with a soft sunset and some beautiful scenery including multiple baseball games, boats on the river, white cranes, and burning rice fields (after they have been harvested.)

I like having students. I think it's official. I'm a teacher at heart. <3

Lessons learned from my guitar...

Last year I was given a guitar for my birthday by Sing. This wasn't the first time I've been given a guitar, but it was the most meaningful for me. I've tried to learn guitar several times, but never got very far.

This time seemed like it would be a similar failure for me. But this summer I decided to try once more. This time I've seen results. I can mostly play two songs now, and I'm working on a couple more. I've still got a long way to go, but I don't feel as hopeless anymore. Each time I pick up the guitar, I feel like I get just a little better...

But I've learned some interesting things from this little endeavor of mine. The two songs I can play are "They'll know we are Christians" and "Humble Thyself." These were pretty good choices for me, the first one I can play with only two chords, and both of them are in E minor, which is the easiest chord for me to play, and quite possibly my favorite chord ever. (I really love minor keys...) But this means, I have been repeating these songs over and over again trying to be able to play them decently. I've had lot's of time to meditate on them...

Recently I haven't been posting much. I've been in kinda a spiritual slump lately. I'm tired and easily discouraged by my financial and lack of time situations. It's easy to feel all alone, and get caught up in myself. That's always a bad thing. I don't necessarily like myself all that much, so it becomes problematic when I only think about myself. (haha) But God really blessed me this summer. He gave me lots of good quality time with my fellow Christians. And time with my guitar.

Sometimes it's so easy to look at the "church," the established, organized political bodies and get so frustrated. When people get involved, things usually turn messy. I don't know any church body that doesn't have its share of annoying and sometimes nasty politics and administrative problems. But it's so easy for me to get angry and frustrated with the church. I want to scream out, "where is the love?" "How exactly is this following Jesus???" "No wonder you can't get people to join, I don't want to be here!!!" type things at the top of my lungs. But lately something has been causing me to hesitate, and reflect again.

How am I different from the church? These very organizations that I am so angry and frustrated with are no different from how I treat people in my own life. I was playing the song "they'll know we are Christians" over and over again, and the words really began to convict me. They are so simple, yet so difficult to do.

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand... yet we fight among ourselves, and shun our fellow members, not to mention the very people we are supposed to be ministering to...
And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land... How much this land needs to hear that God is present and active here!!!
We will work with each other, we will work side by side,
We will guard each man's dignity and save each man's pride... I can't even begin to express the places where I see this not happening, in my own life and in the church...

And they'll know we are Christians, by our love, by our Love, They'll know we are Christians by our love... Maybe that's why so many don't know God... They can't see our love. I can't see our love. I can't see my own love...

There have been several people I've been talking with lately. People that I don't always think highly of or always respect the way I should. And every time I leave feeling humbled and shamed. Where is my love? There are so many people hurting, yet I only love those who are easy to love. The people I like, my friends. And even then, how many of my friends do I talk to about God? Am I really loving them??? How many people have I blocked my heart away from, and become cold to, using the excuse that I'm just not good socially at that kind of thing. Or they make me uncomfortable, so I just ignore their pain... Yet I get full of so called "righteous anger" when I see the church doing similar things. Congregations don't reach out to the lost and the hurting. They sometimes barely tolerate each other... But they are no different from me. Why should I expect them to do things I can't do? The plank in my eye is piercing my heart...

I long to rid myself of this critical spirit that sees only the negative in all situations. I want to stop complaining about petty things. I want to still my acid tongue that all too often spews forth unnecessary and uncomplimentary things. Yet, I feel out of control, unable to stop. My brakes seem to have been cut. Satan didn't even have to try so hard. Just start me going and cut the brakes. I'll take care of the rest myself.

But the second song provides soothing for my caustic soul... "Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord... Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord... And He will lift you up..." Those words, reminding me that when I give up my pride, and bow before my Lord, and acknowledge my weakness and my inability to change myself, He Himself will lift me up, offering me forgiveness and the grace and mercy that I cannot seem to offer to others.

Little by little my anger fades. I feel hope for change in myself. I pray that I can become a person who others around me know I am Christian because of my love. Little by little, I trust that God will refine me... But it's a somewhat painful and humbling process... rightly so.

In other lessons... My practicing has also become prayers for Sing, who gave me the guitar. My heart aches to see him. He is searching for something, missing something essential, but he doesn't know what it is. Or he doesn't want to acknowledge it. He has heard about God, but refuses to humble himself before Him. So I also pray for Sing when I play "Humble Thyself." I long for Sing to be made whole before God. Especially since Sing is so much better than me at loving people. Sing is on another trip for the whole month of September. If you feel so moved, please pray for him. That he might find God, and admit his need for salvation.

Anyway, this is my new blog entry. (I had really really wanted to go to bed and go to sleep, but it seems like it's not meant to be...) It feels disjointed and confusing (but then again, my mind is past the functioning correctly stage...) but most people tell me my posts make sense even when I'm not sure. I hope this one does as well.

Things are not as dark as they seem to be. I really am blessed, and God continues to bless me during difficult times. I'm humbled even more by God's faithfulness and kindness to me. Maybe I'll eventually be able to learn some chords that let me praise God more!

Now it's time to try to go to bed once again. Tomorrow might be another long day... haha. Might as well get used to it. ;-)