I've been reading some of my comments lately, and I noticed how many people were concerned about my foot. Actually, most people I meet tell me they hope I get better soon. Most people look at me and say "oh, that looks like it hurts!"
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate people's concern. I have said similar things before myself. It's an easy, genuine thing to say. And I don't doubt that people mean it.
I feel like it's a symptom of how people can only see the surface. Isn't it sad? How little we know about the people who are around us. How little we can see their circumstances and understand what their lives are like. It makes me sad. It makes me feel very very lonely.
(disclaimer! I am currently under the influence of what I have started calling PMSC - per-menstrual spiritual crisis. It happens monthly I promise. Just ask my poor roommates. That being said, if I am overly negative, my PMSC is 90% to blame... If I'm inspiring on the other hand, that's all me. :-D J/K)
This weekend has been filled with highs and lows, laughter and tears (the tears weren't mine, they were a 1 year old's, but that doesn't mean I haven't felt like crying...) The extremes highlighting the hollowness of my stone heart.
And it dawned on me. I'm happy when people hope my foot get's better soon...
I'd rather have a healed heart.
My foot is external. I can function with it the way it is. It might be inconvenient, but life goes on. There are much worse disabilities out there. A whole, healthy body is wonderful, but I'd rather have a whole, healthy heart.
A heart that lives, truly lives. A heart secure in Truth. A heart that can reject lies. A heart that seeks and loves God above all the external things that try to distract it. A heart willing to love and bleed for others. A heart not wrapped in the stones of selfishness.
Is that being unthankful?
Maybe just hormonal?
But right now, that's the cry of my heart.
I wonder if it will ever be whole on this side of heaven...
My God is the God of Miracles and Love, and the God of my heart.
So this is my hope for now. And maybe someday I'll know what real Hope looks like.