Sometimes you just feel like something the cat dragged in.
I've felt like this for at least a month I'm sure.
It wears down on you. Just the little things, the daily living, piling up on you. And an abundance of small annoyances, each one insignificant, yet there are so many of them.
So I get frustrated, and I complain. I allow myself to be affected, and they slowly taint me. I've become sluggish, easily distracted, sleep deprived, and forced to go the long way all the time.
It hasn't broken my back yet, but I'm feeling the weight of straw...
(don't worry, not EVERYTHING is bad. There are good things that keep me sane enough. Probably. The sanity that is, not the good things.)
In my Bible Studies, we are reading about the Flood and Noah. This week we read about how when Noah came out of the ark, he then took some of all of the clean animals (aka food) and built and offer and gave them to God. And the "aroma" of his offering was so pleasing to God, right then God promised to never destroy the earth and all mankind again, even though He knew what their hearts would become like again...
Seriously, Noah is amazing. Not only did he spend how many ever years of his life building a huge boat in a hostile environment (and I'm assuming he would also have to do other work that allowed him to continue his daily living at the same time.) he then spent a whole year on a boat with just his wife and kids and a whole lot of animals. This means he has to take care of all these said animals. He watched the water go down, and then he had to wait until the land was able to support life again.
How many "little" annoyances were piling up on him? How much sleep did he loose?
But in the end, after the first taste of freedom, the first thing he does is...
What would be the first thing you do after being cooped up in a boat for a year? I'm thinking most people would not even think to kill some of the precious food animals and burn them completely up to honor the God who caused it all. Granted "most" people also died because they didn't do things like that in the first place.
This means Noah must have had a habit of honoring God.
Wow. That's really impressive.
As I was walking home tonight, tired after a long week, still carrying around a load of straw on my back, and feeling irritated at my response to it all, it struck me how little I honor God.
My complaints do not honor God. My just get through the week attitude does not honor God. My thoughts and inclinations of my heart do not honor God.
Yeah, I cried a little as I was walking home.
From the frustration of failing, from the knowledge of my position...
and mostly from this deep sense of loneliness and hopelessness that threatened to crush me. And the question: How DO I honor God in this mess? How am I supposed to honor God when I'm tired and twarted over and over again? What should I be doing when I'm lonely and my heart is aching?
Can you hear the great sigh I just let out?
The problem is there is no pat answer. Different people honor God differently. He created us like that. Even if I did everything that Noah did, it's not the same, because I am not Noah. I must honor God in my own way.
I just wish I knew what that was.
I suppose the first step is to stop thinking "oh woe is me" all the time. A little perspective tells me that my problems are not as bad as they seem when I'm tired, walking home at midnight on crutches. It could be worse. So many, many people have it worse than me. And yet I have the arrogance to complain about it.
Yeah, that was another sigh.
I don't have answers to these questions yet, but I'm asking the questions. And looking, even if it's only a little, for the answers. And that might be part of the answer itself.
But I do kinda wish I knew what Noah did when he was frustrated.....