Monday, March 14, 2005

of looserness.

I've come to this conclusion before, but I continually re-affirm it. I'm a looser. There's just no other way around it. My life can be going great, but I always screw it up.

There is nothing really major that I am complaining about, just the little things that add up. Of course, I don't feel good today, so I guess that brings me down too. But on days like this, all I do is see my loud, blaring, big, honkin faults. It stinks. And then, rather than try to fix things, I push away these thoughts and feelings and try to loose myself in something meaningless.

I think the biggest problem is that I know it's a problem, and yet, I am not changing myself or preventing these actions (or in most cases inactions.)

The good news is, this leaves me rather dependent on God for everything. The bad news is, that sort of thinking allows me to rationalize my sins. Yes, quite the condrum.

I know God loves me (and several people as well, though I can't imagine why), but right now, I don't really like myself all that much.

2 comments:

mad-max said...

we are all special in our own way. However change requires actions. If you are in a boat in the middle of the sea , you have these two oars. But you are just sitting back and relaxing, hoping that you are going to set ashore one day. Then that might never happen.

Shihu said...

Thanks for your comments. I am actually aware of the actions I need to take. I just can't follow through in the long run. But I have to keep trying, and maybe some day I'll get something right.

Anywho, I was wondering how you came across this blog?