When reality comes crashing in...

Nothing like trying to get to work to help open the door for reality.

Today I woke up early, determined to make it to school. Today was the graduation ceremony for the 3rd years (15 years old). If I didn't make it to school today, it was possible I would never be able to see these kids again and say good bye. Times like this make you value being able to say good-bye.

So I dressed nicely (aka not practically, which is not fun when there is a high probability of train complications...) and made my way to the station early. Yesterday the station had been packed. I was expecting something similar.

I arrived to the station, to find... very few people. Kinda creepy actually. But the trains were scheduled to run. The line I needed was actually scheduled to start at the very time that I usually leave. I was about 30 mins early, so I stopped by the convenience store to see if I could find some things I forgot and might need for the day. I was surprised to find food available. It was fully stocked with rice balls and sandwiches. I purchase my supplies and head to the nearly empty platform and wait.

The train was on time, and I was surprised. I guess you just expect them to be late. Well, there had also been two earthquakes this morning, so I hadn't been sure the trains were going to be running still. So I got on, even got a seat, and it felt almost like a normal morning commute.

Until it's time to transfer.

At the transfer station everyone is being made to leave from a selected two wickets only. On the other side, there is a large herd of people waiting to be let in. They want us out as fast as possible it seems. (I'm guessing they were enforcing one way traffic here.) Only when we get to the front, they are telling us something about not being able to use our pass cards or our tickets. So I have to just walk out without the machines registering my electronic card.

I go to transfer lines, only to find no trains are running. Of course. I mail my company to let them know, and wonder what to do next. I don't think I want to try to join the herd going back in the direction of my house. And I'd really like to make it to school today. But I'm definitely NOT wearing walking shoes. I knew I was going to regret that... Sad.

I go to try to talk to a station attendant, since I have some difficulty understanding what they are saying over the speakers, and usually they can use simpler explanations if I ask them directly. I am told that if I walk one station over, there are trains leaving in the direction I want to go.

YES! I can still make it.

This station is not so far away, so it's only a 15-20 min walk. Find a map, easy enough to find, and I begin my trek. Outside the station, the line waiting to get on the train goes on and on and on. Japanese people are VERY good at making lines (except for school children, who don't seem to think they need to follow rules for some reason... or perhaps it's the teachers who feel they don't need to enforce the rules...)

Make it past the enormous line, which was beginning to move forward at this point, and I make my way to the next station. Only to find...

You guessed it.

Of course there are no trains actually running there. I'm not sure if there were never any trains running from there, or if I had missed the last one or what. In any case, the next station is over 3kms away, and that's definitely impossible to walk in the shoes I had.

Stop and cover my options. My company said it can't be helped and I could go home. Only problem is I'm pretty sure there's no way home at this point. The trains are only running in the morning, and I don't think I'll make it back in time to join the herd. I'm stuck. But I really want to make it to school. I really want to make it to school. What can I do?

Well, for now, let's send an e-mail to Sing. He has a car and lives in the same city as my school. Maybe he can come pick me up and take me to school and I can make it in time. Problem being is that he's a night person and often sleeps late into the day. I wonder if my e-mail on his phone will be enough to wake him up... Probably not, but here goes anyway.

E-mail sent. Let's find a place to sit. Oh look, McDonalds is open. Buy some breakfast and sit down outside because all the seats are taken inside. Not wearing as much as normal because I was trying to look "nice" for the graduation. Slightly cold.

One hour passes. No e-mail from Sing. I don't think that's going to work. One last try. I'll e-mail him saying sorry for bothering him, and hope this one wakes him up.

Another hour passes. Spend some time contemplating if I am asking God with enough passion for the things I want. Not sure where the line between waiting patiently for God's grace and the widow's persistence is. Have a little talk with God about this problem.

It's cold. I've probably been camping out at McDonalds a little too long. Besides, the cigarette smoke is getting to me. Walking will warm me up. Lets find an ATM and maybe search for batteries or see if the book store is open. It's gonna be a long time until the trains start running again.

Halfway back to the other station, Sing wakes up. :-D God is funny. Sing tells me he'll come pick me up. Rescue! Get money from the ATM and make my way back to the station to wait. Found a place that sold AA batteries on the way! (all sold out in all the convenience stores. Drug store had a few left.)

Sing drives up and takes me to school. He tells me to send him an e-mail later when I find out more about the trains.

The day is suddenly better.

I make it to school just before 11AM (Left the house just after 6AM). I was stranded for a grand total of 3 hours. Makes for a good story. ;-)

I rush into the gym in the middle of the last song. And the graduation ceremony is over. But at least I get to see the kids. It's good enough for me.

After the graduation, there's a final "send off" for the graduating students. We all mill around outside for a while, saying good-bye, taking pictures etc. I can say good-bye. This is enough.







This is from the stragglers who just didn't want to go home. The kids were free to go after the send off, but many stayed behind for last minute pictures, book signings, etc.











The boys were exceptionally fired up. When they noticed me taking the picture, they decided to pose for me. I was happy, because many of these boys weren't so happy with me when I tried to make them behave in class. But in the end, they were shouting at me to not delete the picture. I promised I would put it up on my blog and treasure it. They are my cute students. I'm gonna miss them.










The festivities being over, I go back to the teachers room to eat my lunch. There's basically nothing to do for the rest of the day. I search the internet and find out the trains will start running at 6:30 in the evening, so I'm stuck until then. School decides to be finished at 3.

I e-mail Sing.

He offers to meet me for coffee and wait with me until the trains start running. One of the teachers drives me to his station, and then we go off in search of a coffee shop.

There is a Starbucks in front of a home center (type of shopping center, where you can find things for your home... Japanese stores are strange.) so we decide to walk through the home center to see what they have. They have a lofted bed which might be better than the other one I've found for my new room, but not quite sure yet.

After the home center coffee. But Starbucks is closing at 5 today because of the earthquake and energy problems.

I still have an hour and a half.

So Sing suggests we go look at plum blossoms. He knows a good place. So off we go. Not such great weather for looking at flowers, overcast and close to dark, but it was still nice.

Tons and tons of flowers, with their sweet smell filling the air. We were the only one's there. It was very peaceful. And all too soon, it was time to go.

As we make our way back, the power for that area goes off. Driving in darkness is something I haven't done in a really long time. I'm from the country side, so I'm used to driving in dark nights. I miss that sometimes. As we get closer to the station, he realizes it's his area that is having the black out. He hadn't figured out his block yet. :-D It's always funny when I know more than actual Japanese people.

He takes me to the station and makes sure the trains are running and checks some info for me. We fix my pass so I can use it again, and I finally make my way home. Exactly 12 hours from when I stepped on my first train of the day. (I just now realized that!)

This time I make a painless transfer.

On my way home. All in all not a bad day. Grab dinner for me and my roommate (my week to cook) and get home. But tomorrow I have to get up, check to see what trains are running, and see if I can't make it to school on time. Hopefully I won't get stuck. Only 9 more days of school.

Check the news, and find out two nuclear reactors have exploded and my city has now been exposed to 40 times the normal levels of radiation. (we aren't so close to the reactors, but the wind was strong I guess. Tokyo to the south got a bit less) Nothing to panic about yet, but still... disturbing.

Hmmm... not sure the visit to the plum trees was the best choice ever...

And then you realize the magnitude of what is happening, and it dawns on you. Life is never going to be the same. Not really. I'm writing this blog and there have been at least two earthquakes large enough to rattle our dishes. This is one of those events that you mark your life with. Our parents ask each other "where were you when JFK was shot?" We asked ourselves "Where were you when the planes hit?" And now I have another one... "Where were you when The Quake hit? When The Tsunami hit? When the reactors blew?"

It's funny, because I recently noticed this all started on March 11th. It reminds me of another 11th not so long ago. I was in college and an RA for my dorm. My friend's (then) boyfriend came to my room, opened my door (before guy hours) and told me the news. Classes were canceled. I remember it was a different friend's birthday. His birthday always to be remembered as the day the Twin Towers fell.

This also happened at school. Hours before we had just sang "Happy Birthday" to a newly turned 13 year old girl. Her smiles were tears the next time I saw her; her birthday never the same again.

But life goes on post 9-11.

Life will also go on post March 11.

But it will never be quite like it was before.

Father, have mercy on us.

Becoming more real. (part 2)

Here's the picture of our water that I couldn't add to the previous post for some reason.

Becoming more real.

Today things are becoming a little more real.

I woke up and tried to go to work this morning. I was expecting some trouble with trains, and I was pretty sure I would be late, but when I got to the station, this is what I found:
















No trains were running at all yet. I didn't know yet, but because of the power outages scheduled, the JR company (which runs the trains) decided to only run minimal trains today. There were no trains going north, so I was unable to go to work. My roommate was also unable to get to her school, so we were forced to come back home.



(There was a news station filming the people at my station, which is a major station for my area.)
















Taxis became a popular option for trying to get places. This is the taxi waiting area, and in the morning it is usually half full of taxis waiting for customers. Today there was a line stretching the entire length of the station waiting for taxis. I was happy to be allowed to go back home.


I was also fortunate to find a news feed in Japanese and another in English on YouTube and Ustream respectively, so we've been able to keep up on what's going on for the most part.


It looks like the rolling power outages have finally started, but we might not be effected until tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be able to go to work tomorrow, since tomorrow is the graduation ceremony for the 3 year students. I'll wake up extra early to try to make it tomorrow.

We filled up as many containers as we could with water today and bought some food supplies like nuts and boxed vegetable juice that doesn't expire quickly, so we can go for a while with that if we need to. Then we packed up some clothes, blankets, water and other various supplies and took them over to our new apartment. We now have two shelters where we have access to in case something more serious happens.

When we got to the apartment, we found there was a little structure damage, some broken tiles and some plumbing issues, but there were workmen there already fixing it when we go there. None of the damage was inside our apartment. Some of the sliding doors had been shaken open however.

We did find a little surprise from our rental company waiting for us: two water bottles outside our door with a note. That was really nice of them.




Later we decided we would like to buy a few more supplies and decided to walk to the shopping center, only to discover it was closed today. We met a little old lady along the way who was very delighted to practice English with us. Then she gave us broccoli from her garden and told us we must cook it tonight. I'll do that once I'm done blogging. ;-)

We are very lucky where we are. I have a friend who is married to a Japanese man, who is very kind in passing along information in English for us, and we have found plenty of news access and have some translation tools for figuring out basic stuff.

I am very thankful for all we have been given. The future is still very much uncertain, and we still have several weeks of aftershocks that could be quite large until we can really start to see how things are going to be for a while.

All I know is that I'm sure this is going to impact life here in Japan for a long time.

Not quite real...

It's a strange feeling living in Japan in an area with virtually no damage right now.

I have friends who are without water and food, trudging down to a canal to haul water by hand in buckets so they can use their toilets. (rather joyfully trudging I might add.)

I was late home one night, but made it hope safely. Even if I hadn't of received a ride home, I worked in a city where I had at least two options of people I could contact to stay with until trains were running again.

We had no damage to our house, and only a few things knocked over.

Even the bicycles were still standing.

Yesterday and today we didn't have to work, so we didn't have to brave the trains, but I know one girl who came to church by train from Tokyo and didn't have problems today.

There is almost no visible damage in our community. Although we are still feeling aftershocks.

The only things that prove this is really a disaster is a few shops that are closed, endless reports on the internet and TV, and random sections of the grocery stores vanished.

There is no bottled water anywhere. Lots of other drinks, sodas, teas, juice, but no water. Bread is gone. (we bought fresh baked bread from a bakery today instead.) Instant ramen is scarce (which is strange if people are afraid of having no water...) Strangely there are no bananas or tofu to be found. And the last store we went to had no milk. And no canola oil.

Flashlights can't be found in stores.

I'm not sure if it's because people are buying these things, or if it's because they can't be delivered right now.

The food center where lunches are prepared for my city is damaged, so I have to take my own lunch to school tomorrow.

But life here goes on. We continue to prepare for our move. We laugh and tell jokes. The sun shines and the temperatures are raising. Day after tomorrow our third year students will be graduating.

But there's a sense of strangeness about it. Like I shouldn't be doing normal things. There should be a sense of shock, or panic or something.

I worry that my heart shuts down on me at times like this. In fact, I can from my place of detachment, notice that this is how I always dealt with death in the past. No real mourning or distress. Just calm acceptance and then going on with life.

But I wonder if this is really life.

Can I really be living if there is so little passion in my heart? Am I not supposedly in love with this country and her people? I have a friend that is so distressed that she can't be in Japan during this disaster. She wants to help and comfort people and just be present with them in their grief.

I live surrounded by normalness. The people here are not wounded or grieving. It's like watching reflections of myself.

And I am disturbed by my own detachedness.

Sometimes it feels like this is not real. Like it's far away in another country. Like New Zealand or Indonesia. Egypt or Libya.

My friends on Facebook in America who were concerned for my safety, have already gone back to their lives. Basketball games and retreats. Spring flowers and antics of children. American news reports on the earthquake and tsunami and the nuclear crisis, followed by Charlee Sheen's financial crisis.

Such a strange state of limbo.

Just not quite real.


And by that, I think I mean my heart...


Please pray for Japan. Because no matter how real it doesn't seem, it is real. Those are real dead bodies. Real people with no food and water. Real damage and real need. The physical state of thousands and thousands of people have finally been brought to the same place their spirits have been: broken and needy. Pray for God's Holy Presence here. Pray for His Hand and His Wisdom. Pray for grace, love and mercy to abound here.

I understand how difficult it is to pray from a place of safety and comfort. Pray that our hearts can also be opened to feel even a little of what God's heart feels for these people.

Let our prayers be real, for the suffering and need is real. Finally, the false lies of self-sufficiency have been washed away. There is only grace.

Thanks be to God.


PS: I have two good friends who live in Fukushima right now (Haidee and Cindy). They are both safe, but sustained far more damage than anything that happened here. They are not close to the nuclear plants so that is good. Here is a link to Haidee's blog if you would like to read more from someone who is living closer to the actual "disaster."

By Faith in Fukushima

Earthquake

Well, I can now say I lived through the biggest Earthquake in Japanese history to date. 8.9
That's big.

It was 240 miles north of me, and we've been feeling aftershocks since 2:45 this afternoon.

Trains are all stopped, so a teacher offered to drive me home. Took us 4 and a half hours to get home. I'm sure he's still driving to his home thanks to the traffic and Japan's poorly planned street system.

My roommate and I are safe, as are most of the people I know. There were a couple more big quakes in Fukushima where two friends of mine live and their church. I haven't heard anything from them since those quakes hit, so prayers for them would be appreciated.

And prayers for the coastal areas of Japan hit by tsunami, esp Sendai and Ofuneto.

God be with us.

Battle vs tournament.

The contemplative streak continues. I think I might have already passed last years mark for blog posts and it's only March. Well, I'm sporadic like that.

Today I finished reading the Journey of Desire. I had many thoughts during the day. About what my desires are really saying. What my fears are telling me. What lies I believe in my heart....

It's overwhelming.

My friend had just commented on my last blog. (Once again I haven't replied to her, sorry! *waves*) She was encouraging me. And I really really appreciate her words. It's good to be affirmed. It's good to be recognized.

But as with most things in life, you get in a few hits on your enemy, and then you end up taking a few right back. Today I was taking hits.

My commute home was particularly hard today. While trying to find out what my desires are really saying, I came across questions that don't have answers yet. And left myself open for assault.

My desire to not be single is perhaps at the core of things lately. Why do I want to find love? Because I want to be recognized and affirmed as a woman. Not by other women. I want to feel complete. I want to feel chosen. To be special. To be a treasure. And I want it to be from a man. Someone who will cherish me, and desire me, and walk with me and enjoy me and put up with me. Not from obligation, but from choice. Yes, the way God desires to be desired by us.

But why can't I allow God to fill me? That is the question that taunted me today. And I heard the answer.

Because He's God. Because I know and believe that God is Good. I was made and created by God. He is my Father. This means... He has to love me.

This is the same reaction I have to my parents' love. Of course I appreciate my parents' love. I have never doubted they loved me. And I am thankful for all they have done for and given me.

But somehow, because they are my parents, it's just different. That love doesn't care what I do, or how I fail. It doesn't matter if I am beautiful, because I am their daughter, I am beautiful to them. Because I am a daughter, I am valued.

But I don't want to be valued as a daughter. I want to be valued as a woman.

And so this is the dilemma I find myself in: How can I accept love and value from God, if it is His nature to give it? He doesn't give it only to me. He gives it to everyone. In a treasure room full of treasure, how do you value one small piece, when the whole room is full of equally valuable treasure?

And so the fight in my heart began again. Me trying to not kill my desire, but not allow it to rule me, or become an idol; The enemy trying to convince me that I am worthless, and dead inside so I should just give up. The ache inside my heart growing, yet dying at the same time.

I'm tired. My spirit left without strength.

I don't know which way is up anymore.

And that's when it hit me. Not the enemy, but a little chunk of clarity perhaps. I think it came from the bleachers. Bleachers? you ask. Yeah, I was surprised too. Suddenly I was aware that I was surrounded by bleachers. And guess what, you are sitting in them. You and all my friends, and lots of others I don't know. I catch my breath, and then realize I'm in the middle of a tournament. I can see other matches going on around me. Only, I don't know the rules. I'm not even sure what kind of fighting we are doing here. But I'm in the ring and my opponent is taunting me, trying to keep me from getting back up.

Oh yeah. I'm fighting for my heart. That's what I'm supposed to be doing, right?

Time to get back up I guess.

But my body doesn't seem to listen to me. My muscles drain of strength. I only hear garbled noise from the bleachers. And the jeering of my opponent.

Man, I'm tired. I've never been good at things like this. What happened to a few days ago? I remember cheering when I landed a couple of good punches. But now I'm on the mat. A couple of good punches don't count for much in the end.

But is this really what it's supposed to be like? Isn't this supposed to be a battle??? Where's the army? Where are the troops? Where's my armor and my weapons? Why am I in a tournament instead?

Huh?

I watch a lot of anime, usually young boys' anime. There's always fighting of some sort involved. And in 90% of anime with fighting, it always turns into a tournament of some sort. One-on-one. Of course you have teammates. But you always fight one-on-one, with your teammates off to the side, either fighting their own battles or cheering you on and worrying about you. (It doesn't even have to be fighting, it could be baking even!)

But is that really what we are supposed to be doing?

A tournament is different than a battle. In a battle, you are dealing with chaos, and masses of enemies coming at you. But you aren't alone. You are fighting with your battalion. You have friends and formations to cover your back. You see a comrade in need and without thinking shoot down his enemy for him. And a different one comes and does the same for you. "A strand of three cords is not easily broken."

Wow. That was a smart move by the enemy there. Somehow we've been convinced that warfare is not the answer. Well, we are aware that we need to fight now. He can't do anything about that. But if you change the game a bit, we are at a disadvantage. Fool us into thinking the only way we can fight is in a tournament, and he's practically won.

All the strain and injury of a battlefield, but without the advantages.

That's trying to fight with only my own strength. And I think we've already established I'm not strong enough to do this on my own strength. I'm not smart enough to figure out all the answers. I'm not devoted enough.

I can't make it on my own.

Enough with this tournament stuff. I quit. Hey, you, the guy in the corner talking trash to me, I quit. Say whatever you want. I'm not listening anymore. I think I'm going to go find a machine gun, or a tank. Or at the very least, some armor and a sword. And pick me up a few troops while I'm at it. This fighting alone stuff stinks.

I'm not trying to win a tournament. That's stupid. I'm fighting a war.

Big difference.

What are you fighting?

What if you really were a Princess?

When I was a child I devoured books. Before I started school, I apparently taught myself to read. I was so advanced in my reading skills that in Kindergarten they would make me go to 1st grade reading classes, and in 1st grade I went to 2nd grade classes. I wasn't allowed to compete in reading contests at school.

(I think this is where much of my social awkwardness comes from...)

Even as a young child, my heart yearned for something bigger than reality. When I wasn't reading, I would daydream. I imagined myself as a character in my favorite series. I never imagined myself as one of the already established characters. I always imagined that I myself would be transported into that world, and interact with the characters. I would always become someone essential to the story after I entered. I would have some special power or knowledge that would make me valuable to the characters. And they would love me.

Sometimes I would even pray that God would magically transport me into one of these worlds.

In those stories, my heart came alive. They were so much more real than going to school, or cleaning my room, or doing chores.

I didn't often read princess stories, but recently the idea has been floating around in my head (again, I have to credit John Eldridge for this latest bout of blogging). What if I really was a Princess? How would that change the way I live? How would it change the way I act? How would it change my relationship with God? What if it were True?

Have you ever thought of it? If we are Children of God, and God is a King, that makes us Princes and Princesses. That means we have glory, we have grace, we have responsibility. And we have access to and the delight of our King.

What if I am a Princess? How does that change my heart? How does that change my thinking?

Suddenly my head is held just a little higher. Fear of rejection and disappointment fade. I am a Princess.

With a mission.

My Father King has sent me to become an ambassador to another country. A country I begged Him to let me go to. A country He also loves and wants to form a Covenant with. It's a rather large country, so He chose many of my Brothers and Sisters to come with me. But He gave me my own area to be an ambassador to.

But somewhere along the way, I forgot that's what I was doing. It's easy to forget, or never quite realize that you are a Princess.

The Truth was cleverly hidden in this mess we call reality. And I doubted my glory. I doubted my worth. I doubted my heart.

But the stories call out to me again, and make me remember. They give voice and form to long forgotten yearnings.

And this time, I see. I see the Truth hidden in the fiction. And I find a measure of Peace again today.

Today I decided to re-read the book "The Journey of Desire" by (you guessed it) John Eldridge.

This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At it's core, Christianity beings with an invitation to desire.

- p 35

In other words, eternal life is not primarily duration but quality of life, "life to the limit." It cannot be stolen from us, and so it does go on. But the focus is on the life itself. "In him was life," as the apostle John said of Jesus, "and that life was the light of men" (John 1:4 NIV). Notice that the people who aren't so good at keeping up with the program but who are very aware of their souls' deep thirst are captured by Jesus' message. Common folk tear the roofs off houses to get to him. They literally trample each other in an effort to get to this man. I've never seen anyone acting like this in order to get a chance to serve on some church committee or to hear a sermon on why dancing is "of the devil." People act like this when it's a matter of life and death. Crowds trample each other to get out of a burning building; they press into the mob to reach a food line. When life is at stake and the answer is within reach, that's when you see human desire unmasked in all it's desperation.

-p 39

I look at my fellow "siblings" here in Japan. So many are dead inside. Sundays are spent filled with hollow services that have very little resemblance to actual worship to them, followed by meetings and obligations. Sundays are the only days off for some people and spent further sucking the life out of church members, keeping them in impotent bondage.

I feel so much frustration with it, but also I feel frustrated that I don't seem to be doing anything about it either. I'm upset with their blindness, or rather their inability to understand that their blindness can be/has been healed, but I'm also upset with my impotence.

This wasn't the Romance I imagined.

But now that my own blindness has been lifted, I can roll up my sleeves, bend my knees, and start pouring out my heart again for this country that I still love, that I still want to see in a Covenant Treaty with my Father.

To the weary, Jesus speaks of rest. To the lost, he speaks of finding your way. Again and again and again Jesus takes people back ot their desires: "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matt 7:7 NIV). These are outrageous words, provocative words. Ask, seek, knock - these words invited and arouse desire. What is it that you want? They fall in deaf ears if there is nothing you want, nothing you're looking for, nothing you're hungry enough to bang on a door over.
Jesus provokes desire; he awakens it; he heightens it. The religious watchdogs accuse him of heresy. He says, "Not at all. This is the invitation God has been sending all along."

-p 37-8

What do you want?

I want to be restored as a Princess.

And to resume my abandoned and misunderstood job as an Ambassador.

I want my heart back.

And I want to pour it out for the people of this land.

I want to love.

For Real.

Just like a real Princess.

Yeah.

What it means to be a missionary.

The road we travel will take us into the battle to restore beauty in all things, chief among them, the hearts of those we know. We grow in glory so that we might assist others in doing so; we give our glory to increase theirs. In order to fulfill the purpose of our Journey, we will meed a passion to increase glory; we will need love.

~The Sacred Romance p 158

Today was the day after tests, so all the teachers were handing back tests. Which means I don't have to go to class. I sat at my desk all day instead. Which gave me lots of free time to read some more John Eldridge and ponder love and the meaning of life. I even fit in a couple of naps at my desk.

The quote above really struck me today. John Eldridge talks a lot about the need to reclaim our hearts. We need to live from our hearts, for that is from where love flows. And that is where Christ and the Spirit reside as well. The heart is central. This is his main theme of all his books. It is of the greatest importance to live from the heart, out of communion with God. We are children of God, and therefore share in His glory. A glory bestowed upon us to reflect Him. Fear and confusion don't glorify God. Life filled with love does.

If you look at the highlighted part of the quote, you'll find what grabbed my heart today. "chief among them the hearts of those we know." In a battle to restore beauty to the world, in a battle to gain back memories of Eden, the most important places are in the hearts of those we know. Stop for a moment. Put faces to this. Who do you know? I know lots of people. And I love many of those. These are the people God desires beauty for. God desires for their hearts to be healed and redeemed. Suddenly this is much more real than distant theology. This is so much less abstract than "evangelism" or "missions." This is important. These people, these faces, they are important to you. They are more important to God. And God wants to use you to help heal them.

....

....

I can barely wrap my mind around this. God loves me. Therefore He wants to heal my broken heart. He wants to set me free from fear and cowering. And He wants to cover me in glory. So I can share Life with others. Not nameless, faceless others. Others I know. Others I love.

Among these others is a member of the band I listen to, Mako. He's the drummer, but he also does solo work. He wrote a song called "Arigato" (Thank You). This song has been haunting me for several years now. This was the song I requested played when I left the VYM missionary program 2 years ago. It's a song expressing unsaid thanks to a person close to you. The person who is always there, always supporting you. The person whose tears can bring to life the dying flower in your desert heart. The Life-giver.

The reason I chose the song when I left was two-fold. I wanted to thank the people who had helped shape my time in Japan for all they had done for me (although since the song was in Japanese, I'm not sure that feeling was properly conveyed.) And secondly, and the reason why the song haunts me, is because that is the person I wanted to be. A life-giver. Someone who is always present, giving and supporting. And my heart ached when I heard the accusation that I could never be that. I wasn't good enough. It was too far of a goal. It was beyond me.

And this is why I could never really be a "good missionary." I had no life to give. My own heart was a cracked desert with a dying flower.

But today my heart heard Hope. That is not my destiny. It is not what God desires for me. God created me to be a life-giver. It echoed so loudly in my heart because of the truth it held. I don't know what a "good missionary" looks like. But I do know this: as a child of God, I have been given a glory of my own. I am no longer bound by crippling fear. I am no longer left suffering in the desert. I am free to be a woman who gives life. I can stop striving and manipulating and fearing, and in my newly filled and rested heart, I can give. The very thought fills me with courage and peace.

I think now of all those I love. Those who are fellow Children of God, who are struggling with their still wounded hearts. Those who don't know God, and pretend like they aren't wounded at all. Right now those who don't know God are so many. I can't convert them. I can't suddenly make them understand God or their need for God. But I can be life-giving. I can be unashamed of my Glory, and be at peace, and bring a little piece of Life to them. Where they can rest. God is always with me. And even when I fail, He will sustain me.

And it's OK for me to love them, and dream for them. And it's OK for me to accept glory from God.

It's so easy for me to become overcome with fears. Fears that I'm not good enough, I don't please God. I haven't produced enough fruit. The other quote from today is this:

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

-Romans 8:6

Any "word" or suggestion that brings discouragement, condemnation, accussation - that is not from God. Neither is confusion, nor any counsel that would lead you to disobey what you do know....the voice of God is never condemning (Rom 8:1) never harsh or accusing. His conviction brings a desire for repentance. Satan's accusation kills our hearts. (2 Cor 7:10)

-Waking the Dead, 105-6

There have been some things I've been debating in my heart recently. What am I allowed to do as a Daughter of God? But thanks to the things I have been reading lately, my heart has arrived at a place of peace. I don't know if I have everything figured out just yet. But it's OK. As long as I keep seeking God, He will never abandon me, even if I'm a little off course. So I'm free to Live.
I'm free to Love. I'm free to Dance and I'm free to Sing. (yeah, I'm stealing from Ginny Owens now...)

Hope has become my friend instead of a tormentor. I no longer fear disappointment. (for myself, or God's disappointment in me.) And just a little, I've started to become a Life-giver instead of a Life-sucker.

I'd say today was a rather productive day for having no work to do. :-D

Just another day

For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her. Fallen Eve demands that people "come through" for her. Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire and willing to be disappointed. Fallen Eve has been wounded by other and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm. Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self.

Captivating 181-182

I have been bathing in grace recently. It's better than a Japanese bath! Last weekend was so good for restoring my soul to a place of peace. God is amazing with how He works. I was blessed by being with people, when that was the last thing I wanted. My fears were calmed and I felt peace from my stress.

I was in a good mood yesterday it seems. I was goofing off with some of the 1st years (who are really cute) when one boy asked me "Did something good happen?" I was surprised why he would ask that. I guess I'm not always so cheerful. Sad. He could see the change in me easily. Wow.

Yesterday we paid the deposit and all the fun stuff for our new apartment. We now have the keys and everything. This month will be a month of moving. I'm trying hard not to think of all the things that need to be done. This month will be a month of saying goodbye. I'm trying not to think of all the people I will no longer be blessed through. This month will be a month of new adventures. I spend perhaps too much time thinking of only the fun parts of the month. ;-)

One of my friends referenced a blog by Ann Voskamp today. I've been reading her blog for a few weeks now and am often inspired by it. Today's blog was about how being pushed out of your comfort zone is a blessing, because it is the only way to experience God in more intimate ways than can be done when everything is hunkie dory. (Hey, I've still got some Texas in me! Horray!)

Looking at my past month, and even farther back, I can agree with that. It is in my pain, in my stress, in my fear when I cling to God the most. It is in these places where I find new aspects of God and learn more about who I am. I can become vulnerable, because I am forced to. And I can grow. And I can be closer to God.

When things are comfortable and routine, I forget. I let things slide. I become lazy.

So mercifully, God shakes things up for me, reminding me that the best place is to be in His strength, not mine.

Today I read the quote at the beginning of the blog. It's so true for me. I am Fallen Eve. But thanks to this past weekend, thanks to being thrown out of my comfort zone, I've found a place of peace, where I'm not striving to be filled by others. I think that's why I was able to accept the blessings of the past weekend. I was too tired to strive anymore. I just accepted.

I notice that I am Fallen Eve often. I try to manipulate people into liking me, or pitying me. I want people to fill me and support me. And I judge those who don't. I judge all the time, critical of those who don't measure up. And I become miserable. I look at myself and see how ugly it all is. And I mistake it for myself.

But I don't need to do those things. I don't have to fear. I don't have to struggle. I don't need to be filled. Not by people. Not by manipulation. Not by judgment. And when I chase after those things for too long, God will shake things up a bit. So I can meet Him and be filled by Him. And experience peace.

Things seem clearer with peace.

Until I trip because I'm spacing out. :-P

Today, right after coming to these conclusions, I got mad at the Elementary school I'm supposed to go to tomorrow. They canceled the English classes that were scheduled for tomorrow, and I thought I had lost my chance to say goodbye to the kids. So they gave me 20 mins with the 5th graders to say goodbye. But then, at 4:00 today, they ask the Japanese teacher to prepare lessons for the 4th graders. All 3 classes of them. The 4th graders have not studied English yet. What kind of lesson do you prepare the day before? I leave at 4:45. We had about 20 mins to come up with a plan. This happens a lot in Japan. This last minute type of stuff. And I was frustrated that they don't bother to plan ahead. The Japanese teacher is currently preparing for the final exams and now she also has to prepare everything for a completely new set of kids last minute.

The other teachers were kind of surprised that I got mad. The Vice Principal gave us chocolate to make us feel better. They wanted to know if I wanted to call the Elem school and yell at them. That's not the problem. I just wanted to vent. We made the plan. It's just the way they think that bothers me.

And I get confused if this is my American culture taking over. I don't know where humility goes. Japanese humility is not always healthy. But am I just judging again?

I get lost in the currents of culture.

I lost my new-found peace so quickly.

But this is just another day. Tomorrow will also be a day of rediscovering God and peace, and falling, and getting back up. I may never understand Japanese thinking. I may never be able to separate my own culture from tainting the Truth.

But, there will always be the blessing of being pushed out of my comfort zone, where I hope to one day become a Redeemed Eve, who is a life-giver and a place of peace for those around her.

Even when I trip.

At the end of a long day...

I've known about today for a while, and I knew it would be a long day, in the middle of a long month (Funny how Feb feels like such a long month every year...) I take a look at my calendar and like to freak out. It's fun. (That last statement was not dripping with sarcasm at all...)

uhum.

Anyway, I knew it was coming. And I've been dreading today, like I've been dreading all the other things that are keeping me busier than I like to be.


Today was the closing ceremony for the VYM missionary program that I came to Japan with. (I left the program two years ago, but the program is shutting down this year, so it was a commemorative service.) I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Well, for a long time I didn't want to go at all. I'm not always the best people person. (What! I'm not a people person, you ask? So why did I become a missionary? >>> It seemed like a good idea at the time...) But eventually, I managed to shift my negative thinking, just enough to let me see that I might WANT to go, instead of feeling like it was just another obligation to stress me out with. So, I made my plans to go to the service.

So a few weeks ago, I decided that I would go into Tokyo with a friend from church, who was also a former missionary. She wanted to go, but was worried about traveling there with a young baby by herself. I was more than happy to help her out (AKA kidnap baby for a day!) So we made plans to meet at 11:30 so we could have plenty of time to get there with no stress. (Service stated at 1:30, trains take about an hour.)

Then I get an e-mail from a former Bible Study student, who wanted an urgent lesson to help prepare for an interview she had today. She wanted to know if I could meet her in the afternoon. I really wanted to help her out, so I asked her if she could meet in the morning. (Me, being the exact opposite of a morning person by nature, this is a small miracle. Don't ask me why I'm volunteering these things...) So we decide to meet at 10 at the same station where I was going to meet the friend from church.

Then I get an e-mail from my friend who lives in a different prefecture. We haven't seen each other in a while, and it would be nice to catch up. She's coming for the service and wanted to know if I had any time to meet. (deliberately NOT looking at Calendar at this point.) Why, yes, I would love to meet up with you. Let's see... How's 8:30 ish sound? (Did I mention I'm not a morning person? Oh yeah, this is my day off, my only day to sleep in... Why am I doing this again???)

So with full knowledge of what I was doing, I went against my very (current) anti-people nature and set up 3 meetings back to back today, starting in the morning. (I didn't make the first meeting until 9 actually... The time was kinda flexible.) And I also stayed up until 12 the night before finishing the birthday present I was supposed to have finished last week.

Yeah, I think I'm crazy too.

Yet somewhere in all of this, while I am calmly making decisions that will take away chances for sleep and rest (I am a huge fan of sleep, and am currently low on it at the moment) and possibly add to my stress levels, there is a sense of peace each time I add to my "too-do-list." No panic, no stress, just... Yeah, it'll be ok. It'll all work out.

So I prepared myself for a long day.

And I was Blessed.

Breakfast with my friend, who always shares her excitement for what God is going to do in this country, and gives me new perspectives to think about. (And is always generally excited to see people in "good" places of pain, growth, etc...) *waves* (Yeah, she reads my blog too... Love you!!!) ;-)

It was a blessing to me.

She walks with me to the meeting place with my student, and I feel like I am literally passed off from one person to the other. Baton pass. :-) I finish giving her directions for the trains, and then go to a coffee shop with my student.

My student and I have a good lesson, catch up a bit, and she wants to know if it might be possible to go to Bible Studies at my new job next year...

I was blessed.

She walks me to the meeting place where my friend from church is waiting with her precious baby girl. She coos over the baby, and passes me off to the next person. Baton pass 2. :-) We do a few errands and find our train. I get to take over the baby holding job (I practically wrestled the baby from her hands!) and play with the baby on the trains. Didn't take her long to just drop to sleep. I make a comfortable bed. Seriously. Ask any dog, cat or kid. Afternoon nap is a success! :-) We make it to the church in Tokyo just as she wakes up. That kid has some good timing I tell you.

I get to walk around shocking people who want to know where this baby suddenly came from. Hehe. I like shocking people.

We go to the service, and I notice how blessed I am. All 3 of my directors were present, the pastor I served with, and the pastor I'm going to serve with are all there. To my left is my friend and her baby. To my right is Sensei, the one person that I can hold up and say "This person was led to Christ because I was in Japan. I didn't do anything, but because I was here, he is now a member of my church(he was actually just sworn in as a new Elder for our church week before last!)" All that was missing were the two girls from my orientation group.

So much history. So much present. So much future.

And I was blessed.

We spend time talking to people who have been touched by the missionary program here until it's time to go.

My friend and I leave at exactly the time I knew I would need to leave to get back to the band. The future activities of the band had been declared "Undecided" a few weeks ago. There was today, and a concert next week. After that it's all "undecided." What does that mean? Is today possibly the last time I'll meet them at the station on a Saturday night? Maybe. It's undecided after all.

So I'm not really sure what to expect, or how much of the situation I understand. I just know it's important for me to cherish every moment. Because after all, life in general is "undecided."

And my friend walks me to the spot where one member is setting up his piano keyboard for the evening. He looks at me in surprise and wants to know when I had a baby. (I am obviously still kidnapping the baby.) We find her bus, and she goes home to her husband. Baton touch. :-)

Not very long after that, my roommate shows up, and then the rest of the band shows up. The performance begins. Music fills the air. And I notice Peace in my heart. Peace that has been there all day. Sustaining me. Giving me strength. Blessing me. A former student from last year's Jr. High school is at the station with his friends (he's a High Schooler now.) He see's me, and despite being embarrassed in front of his friends, waits until I notice him and can say hi. Then he quickly walks away embarrassed once again. I smile. And go back to the music with another blessing added to the ponderings in my heart. And I feel a touch on my shoulder from behind. Another student, this one from my time at the church, a woman close to my age, with her son who was born on my birthday, waving to me as they are on their way home. "Yeah, it's just been that kind of day" I smile to my roommate.

And I am blessed.

It doesn't look like "undecided" will mean a stop to the Saturday night street lives. It might mean a different format, or not as often. I don't know for certain yet. But they will continue. So I am thankful for that.

It's been a long day. Much much longer than I had thought it would be when I was dreading it as just a note in my calendar. But so much better than I could have imagined.

So much Blessing packed into one day.

This is my kind of long day. :-D







<~~~~~ (a picture of "sensei")





















On a random note... I smell like baby. :-D

Too Much, and Not Enough

For many years now I've been reading various books by John Eldridge. He focuses a lot on the Heart. He wrote a book with his wife Staci called Captivating that addresses women in particular. They talk about The Message of the Arrows that is used to wound our hearts and keep us powerless. One of the Arrows for women is the idea that you are too much and yet somehow not enough. This idea has stuck with me for several years now, giving shape to a hurt so deep I wish it could have just stayed buried. But I cannot treat buried wounds, so the pain must be dealt with.

Too Much and Not Enough.

Like an angry toddler unable to comprehend anything outside himself, the words accuse me and claw at me. And I am unable to fight back. There are too many places where there is truth. And I've made the mistake of listening and believing.

I say too much. And those who hear misunderstand what I try to say. My words aren't enough to convey what I want too share. And the misunderstanding tells me that I am a failure and have no value or I would have been understood.

So if I can't control my words to share my heart then what's the point of trying？ The wound drains my strength and I shut down. I don't want to fight to make myself heard just to be misheard. And I retreat to lick my wounds in my fortress of silence.

And that is also Too Much and Not Enough.

When I first read the description of Too Much and Not Enough, my heart immediately recognized it as the cause of many wounds on my heart. And there was a certain feeling of affirmation and relief found with knowing the Name of the Arrows. It made the pain valid to know there was a real weapon. I wasn't just making it up, or just naturally broken. There was a cause.

But that's where I stopped. I saw the Arrow, there is now a shape to what was only pain before. But I've gone no further...

And I realized today that I failed to find anyway to fight against, or protect myself from this weapon aimed at my vital heart. No defense. No counterattack. Even when you know what it is and that it's coming, there is nothing you can do without those things.

Duh.

So what is my defense? The fortress of silence, the become shut down to bare minimum functions approach doesn't work too terribly well. It's rather cowardly, actually. How do you counterattack? I make a pitiful attempt and then promptly loose all courage when my attacks lack power, have poor aim, and fall short of anything resembling effective.

I am not well equipped. And never before thought to train nor to equip myself. This is called suck in the victim mentality.

Yuck.

So now I'm trying to find the Ways to fight. I'm tired of shutting down. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of cowering in fear...

I'm doing a Bible Study by Beth Moore right now that's called "Believing God." Not "Believing IN God." Believing God. Believing what He says, and Who He is. And who I am...

One of the sections in the study says "I believe I am who God says I am." This is where I get stuck. It's easy to believe God. I believe He is Mighty and Powerful. I believe He is Just and Good. I believe and accept these things about God easily. But I somehow never manage to believe the parts that tell me who I am, as a Child of God. The words never really penetrate my heart.

I am who God says I am.

I am Too Much, and Not Enough.



I am who God says I am.




hmmm... Maybe this is the weapon I was looking for. I think I need to go back and review that section again....

Let the training begin!

*****

Random digression:

I've made some wonderful friends here in Japan. As fellow missionaries, we've been through a lot together. We've fought with, for and against each other often. Wielding clumsy swords, fighting life's battles together (unprepared though we are), we've been injured by friendly fire just as often as enemy fire. But we stick together with bonds that transcend distance and wounds.

I got an e-mail from one of these friends of mine. (does this count as a reply???) I've known her the entire time I've been in Japan. We usually get along well because we both share an appreciation of analogies, usually the kind that make other people squirm. And we both take the Point-And-Shoot approach with Truth. We have a lot in common.

She's been in America visiting some of her sisters who were giving birth. so it was no surprise that she e-mailed me to tell me she's been reading my blogs and wanted to "encourage" me by telling me how my struggles reminded her of childbirth. (She even offered pictured if I wanted some visual help with the analogy. Very kind of her.) I have awesome friends. ;-)

I'm not sure if this is a time of childbirth or perhaps instead a time of skin molting, or cocoon shedding... (changing myself vs producing new life) But in any case, welcome to my hospital room!

Please excuse me if I don't get up right away...

Let's call it a "Moses Moment"...

Moses wasn't the only guy in the Bible with stress, but he often comes to mind when I think about my own stress.

I can see it now: Moses freaking out when the interesting phenomenon he went to investigate turns out to be the God of his forefathers demanding him to go back to the place he ran away from and "set his people free." Yeah, I would argue with God too.

I can just imagine poor Moses as he's walking up the steps to Pharaoh's place for the first time, muttering to himself. "This is crazy. Why am I doing this again? This is not going to be fun at all. Why am I doing this again? This is crazy..." He looks over to Aaron. "Why are we doing this again?"

Then I can see him walking up the stairs for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times as well. Staff in hand, message from God prepared. Past proofs of God's might and power behind him... "Why am I doing this again? Can I get a new career plan please? *deep sigh*" And he takes another step along side Aaron.

Before the Passover. Before the Red Sea. Faced with a people on the verge of revolt, wanting to run back to the hated Egypt at the first sign of hardship. "Why am I doing this again? *sigh* I miss my sheep... Maybe I could slip away in the night... When do I get to retire again???" And he looks at these same people, and from somewhere he is filled with a compassion that causes him to stand up to God again and argue, this time to prevent God from killing them in His anger... "Oh yeah. This must be why I'm doing this..."

And He ever moved forward.

I think Moses could win most stress contests, hands down.

So on days like today, when I just want to hide in my bed and wait for Feb and March to be over with and just start over in April, when I go to school in the rain (that of course stops as soon as I get to school), when I hide in the bathroom crying because I just can't deal with anything well today, when I look at my calendar and see no days of rest for a very long time, when I feel like a failure, when I cry out over and over "Why am I doing this again?"....

I try to remember perspective. My stress is small. I'm not being asked to lead an entire nation. It's not anything big or powerful.

When I cry out in fear, because I know my weaknesses, and all I can see is me making messes and not being able to clean them up. When I remember the fact that I am NOT a good missionary, and wonder "why in the world was I called to do this job again???" When I'm afraid of people and relationships and messiness. When I stand at the base of the stairs, looking up, and all strength drains from my legs...

When I get a call telling me that the Jr High School I'm working for is requesting me for another year because they like me, and would I re-consider quitting the company? And my heart aches, because I have already committed to the church, but I had been wanting to be able to stay at the same school for more than just one year, to watch the kids grow and change. To be with them longer. To love them more...

and

I remember.

It doesn't matter how small I am. God is bigger. It doesn't matter how weak I am. God is stronger. It doesn't matter how many mistakes I make. God's grace covers them. It doesn't matter how stupid or inadequate I feel, God has a plan. It doesn't matter how painful or difficult or stressful it is now. God is calling the shots.

All I can do is trust. And move forward. And stop looking back...

Today was a bad day. There were good things in it. But over all, it was just one of those days. I'm sure Moses could empathize. I pray tomorrow I can stop looking at all the obstacles and just move forward in trust. I pray for the strength to make it til April. I pray for the grace to have a heart that reacts in trust and not in "murmurings."

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Mat 11:28-30

Another broken mirror

When I was a kid I loved snow. It's got to be a requirement of being a kid. Of course being from Texas snow had super powers like canceling school and getting us un-grounded.

When you are a kid you are content taking things at face value. Snow is for play. Snow is pretty.

But I'm not a kid anymore. And somewhere along the road to adulthood I've traded my childhood love of snow for a deep dread and scorn. Yes. I hate snow. This makes many of my friends very sad.

It's true that I dislike snow for some superficial reasons. It's annoying to travel in especially when you don't have a car. It's cold and wet. It's dangerous. It's only pretty undisturbed. The little annoyances pile up into a wall of dread. My friends pray for snow. I pray against it.

But those aren't really why I hate snow. I hate what it represents to me. Snow is the perfect reflection of Japan.

In Japan it's rare to actually clean or fix anything. Just slap on a fresh coat of paint or wipe the counter with a rag and cold water. Who cares about soap？ Why fix the problem when you can cover it up？ As long as it looks nice right？

Right.


This is the condition of hearts in Japan. The Winter landscaped hearts, broken, lifeless, dried out and malnourished. Or waterlogged and rotting. So many different combination's of brokenness and hollowness. And take all those pitiful hearts, all the ugliness of Winter and cover it with a pure white blanket of snow.

At first I associated it with redemption, covering our sins and brokenness with righteousness. But then I saw it instead as our own feeble attempts to hide our ugliness. Oh and lets numb the pain while we're at it. Oh yes, just look at the beautiful world we have now！ The cold numbs and preserves our hearts for us. The snow makes us beautiful. Like exquisite kimono or works of art or brand names. Now we can ignore the truth right？ Just pretend everything is OK because we can't see it any more.

And it's beautiful. Until we move. Our footprints leave dirty marks and puddles revealing things hidden. Our cars rip ragged ribbons from the fabric. The sun and heat from our not quite dead hearts melt from both sides.

Then we become aware of the dangers. We slip and fall from unseen ice and holes and obstacles we've forgotten. Everything takes more energy. People die.

And the beauty becomes marred.

And I long for the bare starkness of the truth. I long to see the reality and not guess at what's hidden. I want to walk without fear.

I would trade hollow beauty for truth any day.

So this is why I hate snow because I see the pathetic human condition reflected back at me and it makes my heart heavy with the weight of it.


And I find I am no different from those I have Judged for trying to vainly cover their naked woundedness. I too try to cover my reality with a comfortable blanket, until the snow takes it away. And I want to ignore what I don't like or that which is uncomfortable.

So maybe I should accept the snow instead of hating it. It's yet another truth of our broken world.


(the pictures are taken from the Elementary School I worked at today. Going to school wasn't fun at all, but fortunately it melted by the time I needed to go home. Yay!)

The God Who Hears - reprisal

"My God is a God who Hears."

"My God is a God who Hears."

I've been repeating this to myself today. God has good timing, to teach us something right before we need to believe it.

It's easy when things don't go the way we think they should, or our lives aren't where we think they should be at to get frustrated with God. We wonder what we aren't doing right. Maybe if I try a different tactic... Maybe I'm not praying the right way... Maybe I'm just not good enough... The Maybes build a wall to form my prison.

When I get frustrated, I remember the record of Hannah. A woman who had her husband's love, but wanted a child. She wanted the affirmation of being a woman. To become a mother. Such an important thing for her society.

Sometimes I berate myself for my perceived weakness. The ache of my heart is to be loved. To find a partner. To be appreciated as a woman. To be married. And so often, I try to tell myself that it's a selfish desire. I should love God more instead. I should be content with what I have. I try to convince myself how much I would loose from my current lifestyle if I were married. I try to beat it down and stop causing me pain. But it never stays down. Sometimes I can ignore it for a while. But it always comes back. No matter how much I try to reason, or guilt trip it away, it never listens to me.

And I remember Hannah. She wanted a child. This desire too could be seen as selfish. For her own sake, she wanted a child. Her husband already had children. But she wanted her own. Flesh of her flesh. She wanted the proof that she was a whole woman.

So she cried, with a broken, longing heart. And she prayed. She pleaded to her God.

And God listened. He had compassion on the barren woman, and gave her children. How comforting. God cared about this woman's heart. He cared about her. And He provided for her.

So today, when my heart cries out from loneliness, I remember. My God Hears. My God Cares. I may not get the answer that I want, but I know that He Cares. He sees the pain in my heart. And He Listens to my cries.

And suddenly the pain is less. The desire remains, but just knowing that God has heard me, and He cares, has soothed my heart. I can wait again, remembering to trust my God with my life and my heart. And when my heart falters again, He will surely Hear me once more.

Thank you Father for Hearing me in all situations. Thank you for caring about my heart. Thank you for reminding me of Your love. Thank you for hope. Please bestow upon me wisdom, patience and a heart that aches after you. Amen

In the quiet heartbeat of midnight...

Night has long since fallen. My roommate asleep for hours now. But I am yet awake.

In the wee hours of the morning, just before the birth of a new day, sitting watch while the night takes the dying breaths of my today, I listen, captivated by song.

The music stirs my soul, and moves me to reach for God.

In the dark, I read the musings of a love story being written on a woman's heart. Small pieces of her journey with her husband. The jewels of wisdom she shares from her romance with God. Two lovers. One story.

And I weep. To know that love is true. To feel connected to another's story. To feel my soul stir with longing.

And I listen to the music of a piano. And think this must be just a small glimpse of the beauty of heaven. And I feel connected to my God through the beauty of music.

And I close my eyes, and worship my God, who gives us words and music, things to connect us, and pull us back to Him. Things that are meaningless without those to share them with.

At 2:30 in the morning, is the day dying, or just begun? The only answer I receive is a heartbeat. It has neither died, nor been born. It is. He is. and I am.

And I too feel the need to share words. Put shapes to abstract thoughts and feelings. It is now when I feel most alive. Here in the grey between today, tomorrow and yesterday. Somehow I find a certain freedom in the place where the lines of definition have been removed.

Some beauty is best appreciated in the stillness of night.

A teachable spirit.

Change is coming. Closer and closer. Yet at the same time, it feels like time is frozen. I'm still doing the same job as before. Nothing has changed yet. But still it comes.

There is preparation to do, yet for most it is still too early.

So I think. I ponder the future. I rebuke the fear. I reflect on the image that my warped mirror shows me, and I wonder. What will happen? What is God doing? Where is He moving? I have no answers yet. But I have realized how important the time of preparation is.

I'm thankful for this time for me to prepare my heart for the next stage of my journey.

I have been teaching and living in Japan for 6 years now. I have done 4 years of work teaching English conversation in a church, and am about to finish my 2nd year of working in Japanese public schools. No certifications, no awards. Just experience. Yet the thing about experience is that it puffs us up.

I know more now than I did when I first came here. I know more about Japan now than when I was only teaching in a church. So sometimes, it's easy to think I know it all. Of course my opinions are right. The way I want to do things is best. I have the best view.

And then I look in my warped mirror again. This time all I see are my faults. Wow. Why was I asked to do this job again? Why did they choose me? Why did I say yes? I might be a decent teacher, but I'm certainly not a good relationship builder. I'm inconsistent. I don't communicate well. I complain a lot. Drag my feet. Hate meetings.

Am I inflated, or deflated? I can't tell.

So this week it occurred to me that I should be seeking God's will, and not my own. I mentioned in my previous post that I was going to pray and fast one day this week for God's guidance. I'm not good at listening to God. I don't have a close relationship like others I know. But I long for it. I long to throw off the chains of "knowledge" that often fill me with pride. I wish to instead be blessed with wisdom, and eyes that see as God does.

I pray that I will continue to be humbled, and that God will bless me with a teachable spirit welcoming the Spirit Who Teaches.

The God Who Hears

When those in ancient times encountered God, they gave Him a Title to define Who He was, or What He did. They were big into naming things. I remember the story of Hagar. When she encountered God in the desert, and He saw her, and rescued her and her son, she declared that He was "The God Who Sees me." That must be pretty significant for a slave.

So while I am not being saved from starvation in the desert with my discarded son, I too feel the urge to adorn my creator with a title. Not original by any means. But coming from a thankful heart, I don't think God gives originality points.

Today I was riding the morning train, thinking about time, or rather, the lack of it. I do that often lately. Last night as I was coming home past my bedtime I was pondering why it is so difficult for us humans to manage time. God created the world to give us the right amount of time. We have seasons, night and day, and they are all meant to bless us, not confine us. This must mean we end up confining ourselves.

Well, this is all random ponderings from someone who has a lot going on, and doesn't like working so much. Haha. I'm just lazy, and complain when I don't get to be lazy.

So this morning I wished for more time. I tweeted it to be exact. Not even a prayer really. Just an abstract wish for something I had resigned myself not to have.

But God is bigger than my expectations. And kinder than I deserve.

Today God heard me.

There was something going on at school (have no clue what) but we only had 4 periods today, and all the teachers were going to be doing something. So I got sent home after lunch.

Wow. How wonderful.

I was able to enjoy the sunshine as I walked leisurely to the bus. At the bus stop, I had some time before the next bus, and I was able to just sit, enjoying the clear air and sunshine on my face. I was able to do a little bit of shopping, then buy a tapioca drink (bubble tea) and a matcha taiyaki. Then a nice slow trip home, with nothing pressing to do. Hopes of maybe playing the guitar a bit tonight, or taking a shower. Maybe do the dishes. Maybe just listen to some music. I sang while my roommate wasn't home yet.

Such a peaceful, restful afternoon.

What an amazing present, from a God who is active and cares about even the small things in my life. A surprise gift, from a God who loves me, and just wanted to give me something I wanted.

Today is a blessed day.

My God hears me, even when I wasn't asking Him directly.

That's awesome.

Tomorrow I hope to humble myself so that I can hear my God in turn. I am praying and fasting for my up coming job at the new church. I often want to do things my way. I have my own judgments and opinions of things. I come in, and pass judgment. My own arrogance astounds me. (I could blame American culture for this, but that would just be passing the buck. I just happen to think I'm right all the time. It's amazing anyone puts up with me.) So instead of me trying to do things my way this time, I hope to know what it is that God wants done at this church in this time. God has called me to this place once again. Maybe He will be working in me. Maybe He will be working in the church. Quite possibly He'll be doing both. In any case, I would rather be lead by Him than just go charging in making a mess and breaking things as I go along.

But that's for tomorrow. Today, I'm enjoying my surprise from my God who hears me. One day I want to be a Child who hears God. That would really be awesome. :-D






A snapshot of the bus stop I enjoyed sunbathing at. :-D

The ache of separation

I'm overwhelmed.

It's easy to do. Life gets a little bumpy or busy, and suddenly I find myself shutting down, trying to find a hole to run to, and something that can distract me from reality until it's safe to come out again.

I'm a wuss.

Lately, I find myself in yo-yo land. One minute I'm marveling at all the blessings God has seen fit to bestow on me. The next I'm so frustrated with people and the human condition, and completely disgusted with the nastiness that wells up in my heart when I encounter it. Probably because anytime I encounter undesirable things in others, it serves as an accusing mirror, laughing and taunting me for my own ugliness. Then I spend time with children, and find all manner of peace and joy has wormed it's way into my heart, and I'm thankful for the chance to be with them. Then I try to have "adult" relationships and I'm right back into "I'm sorry, I'm an introvert and I can't deal with you right now" mode.

These ups and downs make me tired.

Really tired.

And in my tiredness, I find myself once again in a place where the aching in my heart envelops me and becomes my entire reality. The ache that screams my separation from God. The ache that accuses me, and increases the gravitational pull on the chains that are torturing my poor, blistered, starved heart.

From my prison, I watch those around me. People who are diligent, and seek God with all their strength. And I feel my strength fail. How far I am from that. I feel... fake.

And I cry. I cry for God to chase after me. I cry for Him to meet me in my chains. I cry for Him to gently heal the pressure sores that fester all over my soul. I cry to hear His voice. I long to hear Him tell me I am loved, and valued, and accepted. I ache to be wooed, and invested in. And I cry, because I know this is also the ache in His heart.

So why are we still separated?

My sin cannot be great enough to keep us apart. Is it the fault of my heart which cannot accept love? I am helpless to close the distance even a little.

So I cry.

And pray.

And then, mercifully, the ache goes back into hiding, and I'm able to move around within the confines of my hollow life once more. I go to work, eat, sleep. I eventually fight the urge to shut down and shut everyone out. I reach out to try to maintain the relationships as best I can, praying that they become real, life-giving relationships, and not just another obligation. I remind myself when my ugly negative reactions come up, that I don't have to live that way. I go up, and I go down. And little by little, I learn new Truths about who I am, and Who my God is. I remind myself that relationships are about Honor, and not obligation. It's not all about me.

And I forget.

And the cycle repeats.

And I remember...

And I cry out for My God to close the gap between us, take me in His arms, and teach me the ways of His love...

And I trust, that these tears born of pain will be renewed into tears of joy and understanding.

And I wait. Feeling just a little stronger than before.

Overflow of blessings

It's very humbling to be the recipient of many blessings. Once again, I find myself being blessed, in more ways than I can count.

God is good.

Recently, it's easy to think of my near future and be a little apprehensive. There's a lot of change coming. All kinds of new relationships to build (and maintain! yuck! maintaining is the hard part!), lots of responsibility, work, a new area to get used to... plus trying to keep up with old relationships and maintain a healthy sense of balance (healthy being a relative concept.)

But God has been gracious to me, and has seen fit to encourage me and bless me greatly still. There are so many little things that He speaks to me from, soothing my fears, and confirming my place here. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed and just shut down when I think about things too much. But there has been an almost constant flow of encouragement for me, right when I need it.

I'm naturally a negative person, but right now, I almost feel like I've got little positive "floaty thingies" on. (imagine the little floaties that you put on your arms when you are a kid)

God is good.

I've mentioned it before, but another thing that never ceases to amaze me is the encouragement I receive from writing this blog. Seriously, it's weird. As of today, I have 30 followers. I have no idea how that even happened. (Hello followers! *waves*) I get comments from people who are searching for missionaries in Japan. How do you find my blog??? I've searched for my blog before, and I never have the patience to ever find my blog. I usually give up after about 20 or 30 pages of search results. The only thing I can think of is that God is bringing people here to this place.

I just got a comment from someone who had found my blog and wanted to contact me. I now have a couple (man and wife) who are committed to praying for me daily. Wow. That just blows me away. I know several other followers are also praying for me.

I can't even put into words what that means to me. People who I have never met, are praying for me.

Blows
me
away.

It's funny, because I get the funny impression that people think I'm working really hard for God over here or something. I think people get excited by the word "missionary." I'm not complaining, really, I'm not. I'm just observing how very far I feel from that word and all the connotations it brings. Granted, I'm about to start working as a "special church worker" again, but I've been kinda "on break" for almost 2 years now. But that's when the prayer supporters started showing up. It's funny how that works.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm not doing anything at all. But I'm actually not doing anything special either. Right now, I'm just living as a Christian in Japan. That takes a lot right there I think. But, I think, in essence, that is what a "missionary" is. Living as a Christian where you are. Being as much of a light to the people around you as possible.

Even when I was an official missionary, the biggest results I ever "produced" (not the best term out there) came from outside my jobs as a church worker. It came from where I lived. It came from inside the people I loved with my whole heart.

Ah, maybe that's the key. Loving with our whole hearts. (this thought just occurred to me while writing this blog, this is a bit of a tangent, so you'll have to bear with me as I process it out. ) When we love, truly love, from the deepest part of our hearts, that is the place we will see "fruit", is it not? Personally, I'm not good at love. Actually, I'm quite bad at it. But it has been my prayer for a long time that I learn what love really is. Not the selfish emotional things that we often associate with love. But the real kind, that overflows from a heart that deeply loves God above all else. I'm far from that place. I often feel far from God. But even when I'm far from Him, He's still showering me with blessings.

Have I mentioned that God is good? I didn't think so.

In any case, tonight I'm thankful for all the blessings God is giving me. Every now and then, I stop, step back, and become slightly frightened from the abundance of it all. (seriously, when God starts dropping prayer supporters in your lap, it can only mean you are going to need them, and probably soon! That's a thought that can keep me worried. Until I remember God doesn't want me to worry or live in fear, which is why He's giving me people who are supporting me with prayer.) When I look at the blessings, it's easy for me to look at myself, and think of how much I don't deserve these blessings. It's easy to shut down.

But that's just silly. Because after all, God is giving me such wonderful gifts. Wouldn't He be more pleased if I took them, gratefully and thankfully? That's how I like people to receive gifts from me.

So, here is my random processing of accepting the blessings, and challenges set before me. I pray I continue to receive joyfully, and I pray for wisdom to use them wisely. I pray for soft cushioning as I fall, and maybe a trampoline to help me jump right back up again. I pray for perseverance, and I pray that I never fail to be thankful for all I have been given. Amen.

The winds of change...

Today was really windy. Yesterday was windy too. Change is in the air. ;-)

Well, maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but a little drama can be a good thing. :-)

But there is certainly lot's of change going on around here. After two years of working as an ALT, I'm going back to working for a church. In April I'll start working for one of the churches in Tokyo that doesn't want to close down it's English school. What? Close down you say? What do I mean? Oops, I guess there's part of the story missing.

This April will also be the end of the missionary program that I came to Japan with. It's a two and a half year commitment with the option of extending for a year at a time. I spent 4 and a half years in the program. But there aren't enough volunteers, and other issues, so after decades of missionary volunteer work, the program is closing. So many of the church English schools are also closing down. But one of the churches in Tokyo decided they wanted to continue. So I was called to see if I wanted the job.

The return to Church work.

Just that is enough to completely change my life around. But wait! There's more!

Last fall I met a friend of a friend who was living in Japan. She came to visit us, and through random conversations, we invited her to live with us. After much pondering and weighing of pros and cons, she agreed! So in April she's moving from her current place in Nagoya, to here in Saitama. Since the house we are in now is nice for two, but not so great for three, we went apartment hunting yesterday. (me and my current roommate that is.)

It's a bit intimidating to go looking for an apartment on your own in a foreign country.

OK, make that a lot.

But we braved it and today we made arrangements for a cute little three room place not terribly far from here. We looked at the apartment today, and I fell in love with it. It's really cute. Mostly convenient. Lot's of shopping area's near by!

This means lots of money up front (scary!) and lots of work to be done. And lots of things I won't be able to do for a while thanks to no extra money. :-( We'll have to pay double rent for about two months, but hopefully we'll be able to recover quickly. These next few months are doing to be crazy with no extra money, lots of packing/cleaning/organizing/decision making thrown in. But there's the excitement of a new place, new things to explore, new shopping centers, new students... And there's the sadness of leaving your old neighborhood behind, and having to start again in a new area.

I'll have to see if all of my stuff can fit into a tiny room! Ah the challenges of organizing three people's stuff in one small apartment!

So this coming year is going to be full of new things! Things are getting exciting again!

Every Now and Then...

Generally I'm in love with Japan. I love life here. I love living here as a foreigner. I love the people I meet.

But sometimes... Every now and then... I just get frustrated.

I think holidays show it the worst. The complete hollowness of this country.

There's no life here. Just empty actions by empty people. There's no meaning to anything. Even deeply ingrained religious activities, have no meaning to the people who follow them. It's ok to follow whatever, because there's no meaning.

Just blind following, with no understanding. Apathy and ignorance abound, eating people away from the inside, until only empty shells remain. Then they try to fill themselves with equally empty things, and excuse it by claiming it's "Japanese culture."

I get frustrated with the way Japanese people idolize people like John Lennon and Michael Jackson, but have no understanding of what kind of people they were or the meaning of their lives. I get frustrated with people who live in their comfortable, safe country, complaining about how terrible war is, and then bully someone to death.

I get frustrated with my own lack of understanding. I still spend most of my time guessing about what people are saying, or what is written, or if my answer was understood. I get frustrated with my lack of knowledge or experience of Japanese culture and traditions.

I get frustrated with the lack of ability to think logically. I hate the lack of consequences here. I hate the way they go through the actions of cleaning, without really cleaning anything at all.

I hate the way I react sometimes... Maybe it's the hollowness of the people, resonating with the hollowness of my own broken, sinful heart. It's the loneliest sound ever.

Every now and then.... the frustrations rise to the surface, and all the little irritations join together and have a big ol' party.

Japanese like parties...

I know that some of my frustrations are universal. And I am often frustrated with America. And I know that given enough time, the little irritations will go back to their dark little caves until the next time they feel like coming out and having a party.

But today... I'm frustrated.

Father... Be present in this country. Expose the hollowness, the shallowness and the emptiness. And provide healing and guidance. Father, only You can save. Only You can love. Only You can heal. Be present here. Don't turn your face away. Let your heart break with compassion for these empty people chasing after empty things. Pour out your Spirit upon this land. And Fill it with Yourself.
Amen.